


Short Message Service

by solrosan



Series: Short Message Service [1]
Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: 20 Questions, A Scandal In Belgravia, A Study in Pink, Airports, Allergies, Bickering, Board Games, Chess, Chicken Pox, Christmas, Cluedo, Cold Weather, Democracy, Drunk Dialing, Exploding Umbrella, Fireworks, Friendship, Funeral, GFP mutants, Gen, His Last Vow, Hot Weather, Jossed, Karaoke, Music, New Year's Eve, Nicotine Patches, Nobel Prize, Poker, Rain, Sci-Fi Pet, Scrabble, Security Clearance, Sexting, Sickness, Smoking, Texting, The Empty Hearse, The Free Press, The Great Game, The Hounds of Baskerville, The Reichenbach Fall, The Sign of Three, Travel
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-02-12
Updated: 2015-05-17
Packaged: 2017-10-31 00:52:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 23
Words: 32,771
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/338105
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/solrosan/pseuds/solrosan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sherlock  has a secret friend (since long before he met John) who also prefers to text.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Beginning

**Author's Note:**

> These fics are brought to you by The power of Procrastination, not to mention the support and betaing from Zedille.
> 
> From first text to the end of ASiP.

Mr Holmes, stop texting  
your brother. He is in  
a meeting.

_The obnoxious bastard can  
turn off his phone.  
SH_

He is waiting for a call.

_Who are you?  
SH_

I’m sure you’ll figure  
it out.

_Is that a challenge?  
SH_

It’s an observation.

_Give me a clue.  
SH_

Stop texting your brother.

_That is not a clue.  
SH_

Stop.

_If you tell me who you  
are.  
SH_

I thought you’d have figured  
it out by now. Should I be  
insulted?

_You obviously work for my  
brother; you need no further  
insult.  
SH_

Now you’re getting somewhere.  
I was starting to think your  
brother thought too highly of you.

_I find it a bit unfair that you  
probably know everything from  
my school grades to my DNA  
profile and I don’t even know  
your gender.  
SH_

Life is unfair.Would my  
gender matter?

_No, it wouldn’t.  
SH_

And don’t flatter yourself.  
I don’t care about your grades.

_But my genomic sequence?  
SH_

Chromosomes are very hot.

_I think I like you.  
SH_

I’m sorry Mr Holmes, but  
I’m married to my work.

_You work for Mycroft.  
Get a divorce.  
SH_

Oh, the troublesome  
bureaucracy.

_At least I hope it’s  
a sexless marriage.  
SH_

Isn’t that the definition  
of a marriage?

_Touché.  
SH_

-x-

Your brother wants  
to know if you’re going  
to your mother’s.

_He knows the answer.  
SH_

Is that your final answer?

_Yes. Feel free to improvise  
an insult of your choice to  
accompany it.  
SH_

-x-

The car is outside.

_Not going.  
SH_

-x-

I’ve been asked to remind  
you that it is illegal to  
rob graves.

_Thank you for reminding me.  
Going to write it on a post-it and  
put it on my bathroom mirror.  
SH_

Sarcasm doesn’t work well  
in texts.

_Stating the obvious today,  
are we?  
SH_

I apologise. I’m tired today.

_You’re excused, you work  
for Mycroft. The fact that you  
don’t have a constant  
migraine is unbelievable.  
SH_

My migraines are never  
work-related.

_Again: unbelievable.  
SH_

-x-

_Bored.  
SH_

Magnetic.

_?_

Thought we were  
picking random  
adjectives.

_I thought you were  
intelligent.  
SH_

Ditto.

_I’m bored.  
SH_

I’m important.

_Self-important  
maybe.  
SH_

Pot, kettle, black.

_Stop using random  
words.  
SH_

jfgi

_Amusing.  
SH_

But you’re not bored  
anymore.

-x-

Your brother is  
driving me up the wall!

_Told you this would  
happen.  
SH_

Kicking when I’m  
down? Classy.

_You have better  
opportunities to kill  
him than I do, so there’s  
not much I can do.  
SH_

How do you think  
I should do it?

_Exploding umbrella.  
SH_

That’s not very refined.

_Didn’t know killing one’s  
brother needed to be  
refined.  
SH_

Poison? You’re a chemist  
after all.

 _Please don’t say  
this is a hypothetical  
conversation.  
SH_

Either way, you made  
me smile. Thank you.

_You’re welcome.  
SH_

-x-

Scrabble app available!

_The game is on!  
SH_

Zymase? Really?

_Says Ms Amniote.  
SH_

So you figured that out  
at last. What gave me  
away?

_The 29 day migraine  
cycle and the  
murder by poison.  
SH_

Maybe you do have a  
brain after all. The  
poison was a bit  
prejudiced though.

_But not incorrect.  
SH_

JUKEBOX, 3xword.  
Read it and weep. 

_Rematch?  
SH_

-x-

Guess who I just  
picked up.

_Case. No time.  
SH_

Wrong.

_Serial suicide.  
SH_

Heard about those.  
Anything yet?

_Theories. Definitely  
murders.  
SH_

Fascinating. Lestrade  
invited you?

_Finally.  
SH_

He’s hot.

_Please stop.  
SH_

Guess who I just  
picked up.

_You know I don’t  
guess.  
SH_

A Dr John H Watson.

_God. How can  
you work for that man?  
SH_

He’s hot too.

_I just vomited.  
SH_

I’ll bring your doctor  
soon. I think he’s  
flirting with me.

_Haha! Go for it.  
SH_

The cane is a bit of a  
turn-off.

_It’s psychosomatic.  
SH_

The cane?

_The limp, obviously.  
I’ll get it fixed for you.  
SH_

Married to my work,  
remember?

_I thought I told you  
to get a divorce.  
SH_

Do you want me to  
eavesdrop on the  
conversation? 

_No, I think I’ll mess  
with him myself.  
SH_

You’re texting him?

_Yes, but I was think  
about you all the time.  
SH_

Thank you.  
On our way back now.  
Went by his place to pick  
up a gun (or something  
similar, he has it inside  
his jeans. Hard to say).

_Or maybe he’s just  
happy to see you?  
SH_

He is. But he brought a  
gun.

_If the limp is a deal  
breaker, I can fix it.  
Honest.  
SH_

Don’t you have a case?

-x-

Told you he had a gun.

_Told you I could fix  
the limp.  
SH_

Thought you’d like to  
know I’ve raised your  
surveillance.

_Worried about the  
army doctor much? I think  
he can take care of himself.  
SH_

Not my orders.

_I can give you a  
poison of your choice to  
feed him.  
SH_

Only I wouldn’t.

_I was so close to  
falling in love with you.  
SH_

Good night, Sherlock.

_Good night.  
SH_


	2. Sexting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sherlock and not!Anthea engage in a disturbing form of sexting.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sometime between ASiP and TBB

* * *

  


_Just to make it_  
 _clear: you were the_  
 _one standing next to_  
 _my poor excuse for_  
 _a brother yesterday?_  
 _SH_  
   
I’ve never met your  
brother.  
   
 _Oh ha ha ha._  
 _SH_  
   
I find it fascinating  
how you have a  
compulsive need to  
sign your texts.  
   
 _It’s not compulsive._  
 _SH_  
   
Your brother does the  
same thing.  
   
 _I thought you hadn’t_  
 _met my brother._  
 _SH_  
   
Nine hours ago you had  
never seen me.  
   
 _So it was you._  
 _SH_  
   
What if I was the one  
putting a blanket on you?  
   
 _You would never!_  
 _SH_  
   
You make it sound like  
I don’t care about you.  
   
 _Do you?_  
 _SH_  
   
You know that.  
   
 _Sometimes I think_  
 _you just like me for_  
 _my chromosomes._  
 _SH_  
   
They are hot! My God!  
A woman can take  
just so much.  
   
 _You’re an idiot._  
 _SH_  
   
My IQ is higher than  
yours.  
   
 _How very pedestrian._  
 _SH_  
   
It’s just the truth.  
   
 _Do you have any_  
 _proof for this absurd_  
 _statement?_  
 _SH_  
   
Besides both of our IQ-  
test scores? How about  
every game of Scrabble we’ve  
ever played?  
   
 _I’m a victim of a poor_  
 _random generator and_  
 _can’t be judged by the_  
 _letters a phone app is_  
 _giving me._  
 _SH_  
   
You just keep telling  
yourself that luv.  
   
 _Luv?_  
 _SH_  
   
No, it didn’t feel right  
for me either.  
   
 _Good._  
 _SH_  
   
It was me.  
   
 _Was that so hard_  
 _to admit?_  
 _SH_  
   
No, but this was more  
fun. Like what you saw?  
   
 _Married to my work._  
 _SH_  
   
Such a me-wannabe.  
   
 _Am not._  
 _SH_  
   
And he’s four years old!  
   
 _Am not._  
 _SH_  
   
Go to bed!  
   
 _I thought I saw a_  
 _dominatrix in you._  
 _SH_  
   
Should I come over  
and spank you?  
   
 _You just want an_  
 _excuse to see John now_  
 _when he doesn’t have_  
 _a limp. Shallow woman!_  
 _SH_  
   
Would never do that.  
His chromosomes  
are not as hot as yours.  
And your brother's. God!  
His genome is sexy as fuck.  
   
 _My brain just exploded._  
 _SH_  
   
Was that the only thing  
exploding?  
   
 _What?_  
 _SH_  
   
You’re in bed, thinking  
about me and MY hot  
chromosomes. BOOM!  
   
 _I don’t follow._  
 _SH_  
   
You’re a clever boy.  
You’ll figure it out.  
   
 _Are you suggesting_  
 _I’m using you as a_  
 _masturbatory fantasy?_  
 _SH_  
   
Don’t deny it.  
   
 _Wouldn’t that borderline_  
 _rape?_  
 _SH_  
   
No.  
   
Wank away.  
   
 _This is uncomfortable._  
 _SH_  
   
Then you’re doing it  
wrong.  
   
 _Ha. Ha. Ha._  
 _SH_  
   
-x-  
   
 _Anthea? Really?_  
 _SH_  
   
What?  
   
 _The name you_  
 _gave John when_  
 _he asked._  
 _SH_  
   
Oh. That.  
   
 _So why Anthea?_  
 _SH_  
   
I was texting you,  
it just popped into  
my head.  
   
 _What is your name?_  
 _SH_  
   
It took you a year to  
figure out my gender.  
Why do you think I’d  
just tell you that?  
   
 _I can just ask Mycroft._  
 _SH_  
   
I’d like to see how that  
turns out.  
   
 _You don’t believe I will?_  
 _SH_  
   
I don’t think it’s important  
enough to you that you  
would speak to him.  
   
 _It or you?_  
 _SH_  
   
It. I know you love me.  
   
 _Pride is a sin._  
 _SH_  
   
Not when you do it right.  
   
 _Does Mycroft know your_  
 _name?_  
 _SH_  
   
Of course he does. How  
else would he know what  
to shout in bed?  
   
 _If you’re screwing my_  
 _brother I’ll never speak_  
 _to you again._  
 _SH_  
   
Technically, we’ve never  
spoken.  
   
 _So you don’t deny it?_  
 _SH_  
   
Riding him as we text.  
   
 _Call Lestrade, shot fired_  
 _at 221B Baker Street. Brain_  
 _substance on the wall._  
 _SH_  
   
Keep texting, the vibration  
is amazing.  
   
 _Fuck you._  
 _SH_  
   
Yes I am.  
   
 _Brain substance all over_  
 _the wall._  
 _SH_  
   
Or semen?  
   
 _If I were getting off at_  
 _the thought of my friend_  
 _riding my brother I’d_  
 _need to be admitted._  
 _SH_  
   
Why would you think  
about Dr Watson  
riding my boss?  
   
 _Gah! Mental images_  
 _be gone!_  
 _SH_  
   
And you say you’re  
not a compulsive  
signer.  
   
 _You broke my_  
 _brain._  
 _SH_  
   
Ask John to put a  
bandage on it when  
he’s finished.  
   
Or when your brother  
finishes.  
   
 _You’re truly terrible._  
 _SH_  
   
-x-  
   
 _Can you make_  
 _Mycroft look away_  
 _for a week or two?_  
 _SH_  
   
Migraine.  
   
 _That’s two days too_  
 _early._  
 _SH_  
   
Tell that to my head  
and uterus.  
   
 _Are you okay?_  
 _SH_  
   
No.  
   
 _Anything I can do?_  
 _SH_  
   
Stop texting.  
   
-x-  
   
 _Feeling better?_  
 _SH_  
   
Yes. Thank you.  
   
 _You know, you_  
 _can always get an_  
 _hysterectomy._  
 _SH_  
   
Women really aren’t  
your area.  
   
 _So that’s a no?_  
 _SH_  
   
Don’t pretend to  
be stupider than you  
are.  
   
 _Can you make_  
 _Mycroft look away_  
 _for a week or two?_  
 _SH_  
   
Why?  
   
 _If I tell you, I’d_  
 _have to kill you and_  
 _that would be a_  
 _waste._  
 _SH_  
   
With an exploding  
umbrella? Please,  
you’d never manage  
to kill me.  
   
 _Challenge?_  
 _SH_  
   
Observation. But  
please try.  
   
 _Watch your tea._  
 _SH_  
   
Tea is for wimps!  
   
 _Well, coffee then._  
 _SH_  
   
You’ll never get  
close to my coffee.  
   
 _We’ll see._  
 _SH_  
   
 _So that’s a no_  
 _on distracting Mycroft?_  
 _SH_  
   
You catch more flies  
with honey than with  
death threats.  
   
 _Oh well._  
 _SH_  
   
-x-  
   
I hate you.  
   
 _What?_  
 _SH_  
   
Don’t play innocent!  
   
 _I don’t understand_  
 _what you’re talking_  
 _about._  
 _SH_  
   
My coffee.  
   
 _No? Did something_  
 _happen to it?_  
 _SH_  
   
It’s decaf! I hate you.  
   
 _Don’t blame me. It_  
 _must have been_  
 _Mycroft._  
 _SH_  
   
I can play dirty too.  
   
 _I’m so scared._  
 _SH_  
   
You should be.  
   
-x-  
   
 _You’ve ruined my_  
 _brain!_  
 _SH_  
   
Been there, done that.  
   
 _I’m scratching my_  
 _eyes out as we text._  
 _SH_  
   
And people say men  
can’t multitask.  
   
 _How did you even_  
 _get that picture?_  
 _SH_  
   
 _No, don’t tell me!_  
 _SH_  
   
 _Yes please tell me!_  
 _SH_  
   
Magician and their  
tricks you know.  
   
 _This can’t be real._  
 _You must have_  
 _photoshopped it._  
 _SH_  
   
You can ask John to  
authenticate it.  
   
 _Is it John’s!?_  
 _SH_  
   
Well, I guess you  
can say that it is.  
In a matter of  
speaking.  
   
 _John has not seen_  
 _that part of Mycroft!_  
 _SH_  
   
Are you sure?  
   
 _I’m the world’s_  
 _only consulting_  
 _detective! Of course_  
 _I am!_  
 _SH_  
   
Blah, blah, blah. I’m  
the woman behind the  
man who, according to  
you I might add, IS the  
government. And I  
render your argument  
invalid.  
   
 _Well at least I see_  
 _where he got the “minor_  
 _position” part._  
 _SH_  
   
Studies show that  
partners of men with  
small cocks are more  
satisfied sexually than  
partners of men with  
large ones.  
   
 _Who does that sort_  
 _of study?_  
 _SH_  
   
A man with a smaller-  
than-average penis I  
would presume.  
   
 _Is that what he spends_  
 _taxpayer money on?_  
 _SH_  
   
Damn you! Now I got  
coffee all over my phone!  
   
 _Serves you right._  
 _SH_  
   
Truce?  
   
 _Yes please._  
 _SH_


	3. Bored!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sherlock is bored and takes it out on not!Anthea who doesn’t always have time to indulge him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Takes place sometime after ASiP.

* * *

_Bored.  
SH_

_BORED.  
SH_

_BORED!_

Busy.

_You hate me.  
SH_

Shut it.

_I’m dying of  
boredom and you  
don’t even care.  
SH_

War. Economic  
crisis. Olympic  
Games.

_Your random  
word generator  
is on again.  
SH_

Go and make an  
exploding umbrella.

-x-

_Bored.  
SH_

You annoy me.

_Bored!  
SH_

It’s 4am. Sleep.

_Sleeping is  
boring.  
SH_

For being brilliant,  
you're quite an  
idiot.

_People tell me  
that repeatedly.  
SH_

Well then….

_People said you  
could create gold too.  
People are idiots.  
SH_

Can’t argue with  
that.

_I’m bored.  
SH_

So you keep telling  
me.

_What are you  
doing?  
SH_

Your brother.

_Poor girl.  
SH_

Go to bed.

_I’m in bed. It’s  
4 am.  
SH_

Then I have some  
ideas of what you  
can do.

_Please stop with  
the sexual innuendos.  
It’s beyond tiresome.  
SH_

YOU are beyond  
tiresome.

_What are you  
doing up at this hour?  
SH_

_And don’t say  
Mycroft.  
SH_

It’s need-to-know.

_I need to know.  
SH_

No.

_Yes.  
SH_

Stop behaving  
like a child.

_Stop treating me  
like one. I’m fairly  
sure I’m older than  
you.  
SH_

Yes you are, by 4  
years.

_The information  
dynamic in our  
relationship is a bit  
off.  
SH_

You love a mystery.

_I do love that.  
SH_

I have an idea!  
Surprise John with  
breakfast in bed.

_I do hope your  
Work-related ideas  
are better than that.  
Otherwise our  
country might be in  
trouble.  
SH_

Oh funny.

_You’re right. It  
already is in trouble.  
SH_

Not sure you can  
blame that on me.

_Don’t worry, I  
blame it solely on  
my brother.  
SH_

Not sure you can  
do that either.

_Watch me.  
SH_

You’re so  
predictable  
sometimes.

_Is whatever you’re  
doing going well?  
SH_

No, I’m constantly  
interrupted by my  
boss’ baby brother.

_Well I’m sorry  
I’m bored and that  
you’re the most  
interesting person  
in my life.  
SH_

You’re forgiven!

_Don’t let him  
force you to work  
too hard.  
SH_

I won’t, but he  
never does.

_Good.  
SH_

_I’m still bored.  
SH_

Shut up Sherlock.

-x-

_Bored.  
SH_

Just…go to Bart’s  
and cure cancer.

_If it was that easy,  
someone would have  
done it already.  
SH_

God! You’re stupid.

-x-  
 _Do you call  
Mycroft by name?  
SH_

Hello random  
question.

_Just wondering.  
SH_

Bored much?

_What tipped you  
off?  
SH_

Years of experience  
dealing with the two  
of you.

_Well? Do you call  
Mycroft by name.  
Don’t say “only in bed”  
because, honestly,  
it’s getting old.  
SH_

I’ve called him by  
his first name twice.

No. Three times.

_What were the  
occasions?  
SH_

Not telling you that.

_So it concerns  
me.  
SH_

I’m not going to  
tell you.

_You don’t have to,  
I know it does. If I  
guess right, will you  
confirm?  
SH_

No.

_You’re so not fun  
right now.  
SH_

-x-

_I’m bored.  
SH_

How novel.

_Aren’t you ever  
bored?  
SH_

I help run this  
country; I don’t  
have time to be  
bored.

_How I envy you.  
SH_

I’m sure your brother  
can find a position  
for you.

_I’m bored, not  
suicidal.  
SH_

You’re too fond of  
yourself to ever  
commit suicide.

_How well you know  
me.  
SH_

If you only knew.

_That sounds a bit  
disturbing.  
SH_

Don’t you worry  
your pretty little  
head with that.

_Why not? That’s  
the most interesting  
thing I’ve encountered  
today.  
SH_

Go ahead and worry  
your pretty little  
head then.

_Thank you.  
SH_

-x-

Still bored?

_Yes. Not that  
you care.  
SH_

Oh hush.

_Bored. Alone.  
Unwanted. Unloved.  
SH_

Drama seeking,  
over-grown child.

_Uncalled for.  
SH_

Not really. Want to  
play a game?

_Depends.  
SH_

No it doesn’t. You  
always want to play  
games with me.

_True. What do  
you have in mind?  
SH_

I was thinking  
20 Questions.

_BORING!  
SH_

…to figure out  
my real name.

_Intriguing. Rules?  
SH_

Except the obvious?  
I only answer one  
letter perquestion and  
I won’t be fussy about  
spelling with silent  
letters.

_So you have a  
name with a silent  
letter?  
SH_

Do you want to waste  
a question on that?

_No. Is it a female  
name?  
SH_

Tss. Yes.

_Could have been  
unisex for all I know.  
It is of Latin origin?  
SH_

No.

_Hebrew?  
SH_

I see what you’re  
doing here. Clever.  
But no.

_I’m known to not  
be all looks and charms.  
Does it originate from  
the British Isles?  
SH_

No.

_French?  
SH_

Yes.

_Do many women  
your age share your  
name?  
SH_

No.

_Do you like your  
name?  
SH_

What? Do you want  
to ask that?

_Yes. I don’t care  
too much about my  
name.  
SH_

I like my name.

_Good. Does it have  
any connection to the  
Bible?  
SH_

Yes.

_Not sure that  
narrowed it down that  
much. Is it a  
connection to the NT?  
SH_

Yes.

_I hope it’s not  
Mary. Or the French  
version thereof.  
SH_

Why?

_You just don’t look  
like a Mary.  
SH_

Thank you?

_You’re welcome. Is  
the name (or “name”)  
mentioned in all four  
Gospels?  
SH_

Yes.

_That leaves two  
and since I hope it isn’tMarie (and  
it would have been  
common among  
your peers as well) I’m  
going to say:  
Madeleine.  
SH_

Sure? If you get it  
wrong you’ll not get  
a second chance.  
Ever.

_I’m sure.  
SH_

You’re right.

_Of course I am.  
SH_

Still bored?

_No. I feel a bit  
strange though.  
SH_

How come?

 _It feels like I  
know you for the  
first time.  
SH_

If it helps, you’ll  
never figure out  
my last name.

_Don’t be so sure.  
SH_

What did you list my number as before?

_It has changed  
over the years.  
SH_

Tell me.

_No.  
SH_

Just the last one  
then?

_It’s embarrassing.  
SH_

You’re making it  
worse.

_”A friend”.  
SH_

Strange. I have  
you listed as  
the same.


	4. The Great Game

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Great Game told by Sherlock and not!Anthea’s texts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The end of this fic got jossed when ASiB aired, but I didn't feel like changing it.

Are you all right?  
  
_You’re fast.  
SH_  
  
Your flat blew  
up!  
  
_Technically the  
flat across the  
street blew up.  
Gas leak.  
SH_  
  
Are you all right?  
  
_I’m fine. Please  
tell Mycroft.  
SH_  
  
You tell him.  
  
_No.  
SH_  
  
-x-  
  
Your brother  
is on his way  
over.  
  
_Just wonderful.  
First I almost  
get blown up and  
now this.  
SH_  
  
Hush.  
  
_How much time  
do I have before he  
gets here?  
SH_  
  
I’d say three  
minutes.  
  
_Why didn’t  
you warn me  
earlier?  
SH_  
  
Well, he does  
pay me.  
  
_Then I know  
where your loyalty  
lies.  
SH_  
  
Play nice.  
  
_Never.  
SH_  
  
-x-  
  
_Why don’t you  
ever stop him?  
SH_  
  
Indulge him.  
  
_Hm, no.  
SH_  
  
It’s a matter of  
national security.  
  
_So he said.  
SH_  
  
He has a point.  
  
_He never has  
a point.  
SH_  
  
Please? Pretty  
please?  
  
_What’s in it  
for me?  
SH_  
  
A knighthood?  
  
_Just what I  
asked Santa  
for.  
SH_  
  
Cute.  
  
_Why do you  
want me to do it?  
SH_  
  
National. Security.  
  
_Just keep calm  
and carry on.  
SH_  
  
Your Courage,  
Your Cheerfulness,  
Your Resolution  
Will Bring Us Victory!  
  
_So you’re our  
propaganda minister  
now?  
SH_  
  
You started it, but  
yes.  
  
_Tragic.  
SH_  
  
Come on  
Sherlock. I know  
you're bored.  
  
_I’m not.  
SH_  
  
You’ve been  
texting me  
obscene  
emoticons every  
other minute!  
  
_YOU!  
SH_  
  
What?  
  
_YOU sent him  
here!  
SH_  
  
I don’t know  
what you’re  
talking about.  
  
_Terrible woman!  
And it’s not even  
an interesting case.  
SH_  
  
I was pressed for  
time. Best I could  
do.  
  
_You made it  
up?  
SH_  
  
I might have  
exaggerated the  
severity when I  
informed your  
brother about the  
situation.  
  
_So no national  
security?  
SH_  
  
It might be.  
  
_Does Mycroft  
know about this?  
SH_  
  
I don’t think he  
does, he was  
happy to get  
a reason to go  
and make sure  
you were all right.  
  
_I told you to  
tell him I was fine.  
SH_  
  
I don’t take my  
orders from you.  
And he didn’t  
care what I said.  
  
_He should  
learn to trust.  
SH_  
  
He trusts me with  
his life, but he  
trusts neither of  
us with yours.  
  
_How sweet of  
him.  
SH_  
  
-x-  
  
You’ll enjoy this:  
your brother has  
a dental appointment  
today.  
  
_Ha! He hates  
dentists.  
SH_  
  
I know, thank  
you for re-informing  
me.  
  
_I’ve been spending  
too much time with  
John. I’ve noticed  
I’ve started to  
state the obvious.  
I’m sorry.  
SH_  
  
It’s fine. I’ll send  
you a picture  
from the dentist’s  
office later.  
  
_I’m forever  
in your debt.  
SH_  
  
I’m going to  
save that text.  
  
-x-  
  
_You gave  
Mycroft John’s  
number?  
SH_  
  
You don’t  
respond so I  
had to do  
something.  
  
_You’ve admitted  
it was just a case  
to entertain me.  
SH_  
  
I’m not going to  
tell your brother  
that.  
  
_And by the way,  
you have John’s  
number?  
SH_  
  
I have the Internet.  
  
_Ha! You have  
it for your  
entertainment.  
SH_  
  
Can you blame  
me? He’s a  
doctor in uniform.  
  
_So?  
SH_  
  
You’re so sweet  
when you’re  
innocent.  
  
_Would that  
make him more  
sexually appealing,  
for whatever  
reason?  
SH_  
  
Yes, but your  
chromosomes are  
still hotter. Don’t  
worry.  
  
_Pfft. Tell Mycroft  
I don’t have time.  
I only have five  
hours left until  
the bomb goes off.  
SH_  
  
Another one?  
  
_Isn’t it  
wonderful?  
SH_  
  
No!  
  
-x-  
  
_Root canal?  
SH_  
  
Yes.  
  
_Wonderful!  
SH_  
  
-x-  
  
Guess who just  
walked by.  
  
_I do not  
guess, but...  
John Watson.  
SH_  
  
Yes, your doing?  
  
_Of course. I  
wanted to  
surprise you.  
SH_  
  
Thank you,  
that was sweet.  
  
_He is better  
without the cane,  
right?  
SH_  
  
Quite!  
  
_You have to  
make a move  
soon! He spends  
far too much  
time with Sarah.  
SH_  
  
Stop playing  
matchmaker.  
  
_Just trying  
to help. You  
should really  
get a divorce.  
SH_  
  
I like my job,  
Sherlock.  
  
_You’d like  
John too. Even  
though he’s a  
bit slow.  
SH_  
  
He’s leaving  
now. Your brother  
doesn't look  
pleased or  
convinced.  
  
_John was there  
for your sake,  
not for his.  
SH_  
  
Find the plans  
please.  
  
_Boring. Even  
an idiot could  
do it. Actually, I  
might just let an  
idiot do it.  
SH_  
  
Be nice to the  
doctor.  
  
-x-  
  
Does the latest  
explosion have  
anything to do  
with what you’re  
doing?  
  
_It wasn’t my  
fault.  
SH_  
  
It never is, is it?  
  
_No, never. I  
won.  
SH_  
  
Not even going  
to ask about that.  
To confirm:  
we haven’t had  
two massive gas  
explosions in just  
a couple of days?  
  
_No. Semtex.  
Don’t tell Mycroft.  
SH_  
  
Good, that’s a lot of  
taxpayer money saved  
if we don’t need  
to investigate. I have  
to tell your brother.  
  
_Why?  
SH_  
  
Because someone  
is running around  
blowing things up  
with Semtex.  
  
_I’ll handle it.  
SH_  
  
That’s not very  
comforting.  
  
_John’s upset  
with me because of  
the latest  
explosion.  
SH_  
  
How come?  
  
_I think he  
blames me for  
not stopping it.  
Or for not caring.  
SH_  
  
I’d guess the  
latter.  
  
_Would you be  
upset about that?  
SH_  
  
I’m a finger on  
the hand that  
sends people to  
war.  
  
_What does  
that mean?  
SH_  
  
That I know how  
to not care about  
the means when  
it justifies the end.  
  
_Thank you.  
SH_  
  
You’re not a  
terrible person.  
  
-x-  
  
_I’m brilliant!  
SH_  
  
Sure you are.  
  
_Why do  
people care  
about  
astronomy?  
SH_  
  
It’s fantastic.  
  
_Not you too.  
SH_  
  
-x-  
  
_I was wrong.  
SH_  
  
What was that?  
I’m saving that  
text as well.  
  
_An idiot couldn’t  
find the plans, but  
he was pretty close.  
SH_  
  
Be nice to John.  
  
_Just for you.  
SH_  
  
Hush. So you have  
the stick?  
  
_Yes, but it’s  
empty.  
SH_  
  
Oops.  
  
_You knew?  
SH_  
  
Maybe. You  
shouldn't have  
opened it.  
  
_I’m not  
trustworthy.  
SH_  
  
I know. Bring  
it by tomorrow?  
  
_Whatever.  
SH_  
  
-x-  
  
_In which  
office is my  
dear brother  
today?  
SH_  
  
Coming with  
the plans,  
are we?  
  
_No, sorry. Just  
me. Which one?  
SH_  
  
He only has  
one office.  
  
_Don’t even.  
SH_  
  
All right. He’s in  
that one though..  
  
_See you both  
in a bit, then.  
SH_  
  
We’ll see.  
  
-x-  
  
_You looked  
tired.  
SH_  
  
I am a bit.  
  
_Don’t let  
him work you  
too hard.  
SH_  
  
I never do. It’s  
the Chinese  
market keeping  
me up late.  
  
_That was a cute  
nickname for John.  
SH_  
  
Haha. You looked  
tense.  
  
_I was meeting  
Mycroft.  
SH_  
  
More than usual,  
I meant. You all right?  
  
_Yes. I just  
missed something,  
and it bugs me.  
SH_  
  
I’m sure you’ll  
figure it out.  
  
_I’m sure too.  
SH_  
  
Humility suits  
you so well.  
  
-x-  
  
_Show my brother  
my website.  
SH_  
  
Why?  
  
_Just do it. Now.  
It’s important.  
SH_  
  
You’re not  
going to tell me?  
  
_You’re a clever  
girl, you’ll figure  
it out.  
SH_  
  
You’re taking the  
plans to a pool?  
  
_You know the  
stick is empty.  
Please, tell  
Mycroft!  
SH_  
  
Why don’t you  
do it yourself?  
  
_I need the  
extra time this  
will give me.  
Please?  
SH_  
  
I’m on my way.  
  
_I don’t know  
what I would do  
without you.  
You’re my best  
friend.  
SH_  
  
Sherlock Holmes,  
are you saying  
goodbye to me?  
  
_Hopefully not.  
I have John’s gun.  
SH_  
  
Where’s John?  
  
_With Sarah.  
Sorry. Just  
show Mycroft.  
I’ll be fine.  
SH_  
  
You’d better!  
  
-x-  
  
Are you all right?  
  
Sherlock?  
  
Answer me! Your  
brother left  
without me!  
  
[Message undeliverable]  
  
Sherlock!  
  
[Message undeliverable]  
  
Don’t force me  
to call you!  
  
[Message undeliverable]  
  
Please….  
  
[Message undeliverable]  
  



	5. Sorry...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> not!Anthea is not amused by Sherlock's stunt at the pool and he tries to make amends.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The reason Sherlock has a new phone is supposed to be because his old one got blown up at the pool. Just smile and play along.

* * *

_I hate my  
new phone!  
SH_  
  
 **You can  
always buy  
one yourself.  
MH**  
  
 _I can’t do  
anything with  
this phone!  
SH_  
  
 **You can text,  
evidently.  
MH**  
  
 _My brother  
the comedian --  
he states the  
painfully obvious!  
SH_  
  
 **Your ways of  
thanking me grow  
more and more  
indirect every  
time.  
MH**  
  
 _I can’t do  
my job with  
this phone.  
SH_  
  
 **You  
underestimate  
yourself.  
MH**  
  
 _Your trust  
in me is  
touching.  
SH_  
  
 **Buy yourself  
a new phone and  
stop whining.  
MH**  
  
-x-  
  
 _Mycroft said  
you should  
get me a new  
phone.  
SH_  
  
He did not.  
  
 _Did too!  
SH_  
  
I’m not talking  
to you.  
  
 _Technically….  
SH_  
  
Shut up. I’m  
angry  
with you.  
  
 _What did I  
do?  
SH_  
  
You went to  
meet a madman  
by yourself.  
  
 _I’m fine,  
I promise.  
SH_  
  
I was  
worried.  
  
 _I’m sorry.  
SH_  
  
You selfish,  
idiotic bastard!  
  
 _I didn’t  
mean to  
upset you.  
SH_  
  
You should  
have thought  
about that  
earlier.  
  
 _I’m sorry.  
SH_  
  
I’m not  
going to  
forgive you.  
  
-x-  
  
 _Friends?  
SH_  
  
Yes. Don’t  
ever do that  
again.  
  
 _Not going to  
promise that.  
SH_  
  
Idiot.  
  
 _Would you  
rather I lied?  
SH_  
  
I’d rather you  
never did it again.  
  
 _I’d prefer  
not to have  
Mycroft  
interfering in  
my life. Some  
things you just  
can’t get.  
SH_  
  
Not the same  
thing.  
  
 _Very similar.  
Love my  
new phone.  
Thank you.  
SH_  
  
I’ll tell your  
brother.  
  
 _He didn’t  
give it to me.  
SH_  
  
How can  
you be so  
sure?  
  
 _Mycroft  
wouldn't  
download  
Scrabble for  
me.  
SH_  
  
Betrayed by  
Scrabble….  
Must be a  
first.  
  
 _Let’s play?  
SH_  
  
Get ready  
to be  
humiliated.  
  
 _HA!  
SH_  
  
-x-  
  
 _Rematch?  
SH_  
  
You just can’t  
get enough,  
can you?  
  
 _Shut up  
and accept  
the challenge.  
SH_  
  
-x-  
  
Did you do  
something  
to my coffee?  
  
 _No. I’d never  
do the same thing  
twice. Why?  
SH_  
  
I suspect it’s  
decaf again.  
  
 _Perhaps Mycroft  
is worried about  
your blood  
pressure?  
SH_  
  
He should  
worry about  
his own  
bloody blood  
pressure.  
  
 _Bloody blood  
pressure? You’re  
such a poet.  
SH_  
  
DECAF.  
  
 _Don’t yell  
at me, young  
lady! It wasn’t  
me, this time.  
SH_  
  
Sorry.  
  
 _Go to a café or  
a coffee shop  
or a pharmacy.  
SH_  
  
You’re suggesting  
self-medication?  
  
 _Well, yes.  
SH_  
  
No thanks. I  
see coffee as  
an asset.  
  
 _I'm not  
suggesting  
shooting  
up with a drug of  
your choice.  
I meant caffeine  
tablets.  
SH_  
  
With you, one  
never knows.  
I still prefer  
coffee though.  
  
 _Small joys  
of life and so  
on?  
SH_  
  
Something like  
that.  
  
 _Then don’t  
forget the  
dark chocolate.  
SH_  
  
Some of  
your ideas  
are wonderful.  
  
 _Some?  
SH_  
  
It’s the  
closest you’ll  
come to a  
compliment  
for a while, as I am  
still upset with  
you.  
  
 _I said I’m sorry.  
SH_  
  
-x-  
  
Is this your  
doing?  
  
 _I don’t know  
what you’re  
talking about.  
SH_  
  
The flowers.  
  
 _No, not me.  
Must be John.  
SH_  
  
Stop it.  
  
 _You know  
I would if  
I wanted to.  
SH_  
  
You strange,  
strange man.  
  
 _Says the  
woman who  
works for  
Mycroft.  
SH_  
  
Don’t you  
ever grow  
tired of that?  
  
 _I could ask  
you the same  
thing.  
SH_  
  
Tell John  
thank you  
for the flowers,  
but they won’t  
make me  
forgive his  
idiotic flatmate  
for his idiotic,  
self-destructive  
behaviour.  
  
 _Not even  
a litte?  
SH_  
  
Well, maybe  
a little bit….  
  
-x-  
  
How’s that  
exploding  
umbrella  
coming along?  
  
 _Badly. Do  
you need  
one?  
SH_  
  
Like an  
endothermic  
reaction  
needs energy.  
  
 _I love  
when you  
speak  
chemistry  
to me.  
SH_  
  
So that’s a  
no on the  
exploding  
umbrella.  
  
 _Unfortunately,  
but I do know  
someone who  
does lovely  
Semtex vests.  
SH_  
  
Too soon.  
  
 _I can give  
you an  
incriminating  
photo from  
our childhood?  
SH_  
  
That’d be  
wonderful.  
  
 _Enjoy.  
SH_  
  
Ohmygod! That’s  
the most  
adorable, yet  
disturbing,  
thing I’ve  
ever seen!  
  
 _Use it during  
your next  
salary  
negotiation.  
SH_  
  
Definitely.  
  
-x-  
  
Sherlock?  
  
 _Case. No time.  
SH_  
  
This is more  
important.  
  
 _Mycroft, give the  
phone back to  
your PA!  
SH_  
  
Ha! He could  
never work  
my phone.  
  
 _True. So  
what's so  
important?  
SH_  
  
I forgive you.  
  
 _Thank you.  
That was more  
important than  
the case.  
SH_  
  
Told you.


	6. Drunk Dialing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In June 2011 Anthea is in Japan for business, Japanese style, and in December 2011 Sherlock is in Sweden to get his geek on.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My loyal Zedille and I had a lot of trouble with this one. Actually for this one, she needs a promotion, I think the correct term is “co-author”. It wouldn’t be as readable, understandable or funny if it wasn’t for her. So be grateful to her, I am.
> 
> **Apologies to** Crown Prince Naruhito, Prince Carl Philip, Prime Minister Fredrik Reinfeldt, Finance Minister Anders Borg, Håkan Juholt, Nobel laureates Dan Shechtman, Saul Perlmutter, Brian P. Schmidt and Adam G. Riess and Miljöpartiet.

* * *

Gess were  
I am!

_Certainly not in  
English class.  
SH_

Funny. Guess!  
Youll necer  
guess!

_Why should  
I guess, then?  
SH_

Because thats  
how guessing  
works!

_Guessing is  
for weak  
minds. Not to  
mention that  
I know where  
you are.  
SH_

Orly?

_Who are  
you and what  
have you  
done to  
Madeleine?  
SH_

Hi-mi-tsu!

_Are you  
enjoying  
yourself?  
SH_

YES!

_Good.  
SH_

Come on!  
Guess!

_Only because  
John is boring.  
Japan.  
SH_

More speific.

_Sigh. Crown  
Prince Naruhito’s  
bed?  
SH_

Ha! That woulkd  
lead to war.  
Guess again

_Didn’t stop  
you in Sweden.  
SH_

Pic or it didnt  
happen 

_I am the world’s  
only consulting  
detective. And by  
the way, I still  
haven’t forgiven  
you for not  
getting me  
tickets.  
SH_

If you guess  
better Ill get  
you tickets  
this year ;)

_A winking face?  
Really?  
SH_

Might be abit  
tipsy

_Understatement,  
but go on.  
SH_

Cutieness is  
contagoius. I’ve  
never been  
this pink in my  
lif

_Pink?  
SH_

Yu know,  
lite red.

_I know  
what pink is.  
SH_

Girly, princess  
color And its  
all over me .  
japanese woman  
have an  
superpwer  
They turns  
everthing cute!

_Please mind  
your language.  
SH_

Hushg!

_No, honestly,  
that text hurt  
my eyes. How  
drunk are you?  
SH_

Two pitcher  
off Gand T. I  
love this  
cuntry.

_I thought  
you were on  
a business trip.  
SH_

We are!

_Is Mycroft  
also indisposed?  
SH_

I hope so! Hes  
in a diferent  
room with the  
men

_How medieval.  
SH_

Not sexist.  
Heiarcahl.

_I think the  
word you’re  
looking for is  
“hierarchal”.  
SH_

Mayhaps

_Cute. Now  
stop, I prefer  
you when sober.  
SH_

I’m gay .

_Really? Beats  
being married  
to Mycroft.  
SH_

I like beeing  
maried to  
mycroft

_It’s the  
alcohol talking.  
SH_

ポーニョ  
ポーニョ  
ポニョ  
さかなの子

_How’s the  
Japanese going?  
SH_

Bettre then  
ever!

_How’s the  
English coming  
along, then?  
SH_

Hush

_I imagine  
you're at a  
karaoke place.  
SH_

Havent I said  
that already?

_No. Now  
get me tickets  
to the Nobel  
banquet.  
SH_

Ill see what I  
cando.

_You promised.  
SH_

I feel sic.

_Gin and tonic  
can do that.  
SH_

-x-

_Get Madeleine  
back to the  
hotel.  
SH_

**Who?  
MH**

_Stop it. She’s  
not feeling well.  
SH_

**How do  
you know that?  
MH**

_Not important.  
Take care of her.  
SH_

**I’ll see to it.  
MH**

_Get me  
tickets to the  
Nobel banquet.  
SH_

**Good night,  
Sherlock.  
MH**

_It’s just 14:23  
here in the Queen’s  
backyard.  
SH_

**I do hope  
you're not  
really anywhere  
near the Queen.  
MH**

_One never  
knows. And do step  
away from the  
umeshu.  
SH_

-x-

Excited? 

_If I admit  
that, it has to  
stay between  
us.  
SH_

Everyone  
already knows.

_In that case,  
yes, I’m excited.  
I don’t really  
believe it yet.  
SH_

You do know  
that it’s the  
most boring  
party ever?

_They can’t  
all be gin and tonic  
pitcher parties….  
SH_

Oh ha ha.  
Don’t forget  
to put your  
phone on silent. 

_What do you  
take me for?  
SH_

You shouldn’t  
bring your  
phone at all,  
you know.

_Says the  
woman who’s  
glued to hers.  
SH_

Not the same  
thing. Tell me  
if you get  
bored and  
want to play  
Scrabble.

_Miss me?  
SH_

I don’t see  
how your  
being in Sweden  
affects our  
communicating  
at all.

_It’s more  
expensive this  
way.  
SH_

Neither of us  
pays our phone  
bill ourselves.

_Touché.  
Now stop  
texting me.  
It’s time to  
get seated.  
SH_

Have a  
wonderful  
evening.

_Thank you,  
I will.  
SH_

-x-

_The prince  
is good-looking.  
I can see why you  
went there.  
SH_

Excuse me?

_Pretty sure  
he would match  
all the pink from  
Yokohama.  
SH_

Kawasaki,  
but what?

_The pink,  
drunk version of  
you would  
look nice next  
to the prince.  
SH _

I take it dinner  
is over?

_Yes. I’m  
getting  
Shechtman’s  
autograph.  
SH_

Who’s the cute  
one now?

_I don’t know  
what you’re  
talking about.  
SH_

You’re like the  
captain of  
Team  
Edward at  
a Twilight  
convention.

_You know I  
don't care  
about sports.  
SH_

Not even you  
could miss that  
reference.

_I wish I could.  
SH_

Don’t stalk the  
poor man. 

_He signed  
‘The microstructure  
of rapidly  
solidified Al6Mn’  
for me!  
SH_

You mean  
the article  
you printed  
in the hotel  
lobby?

_How else  
would I get a  
copy of a  
27-year-old  
article for  
him to sign?  
SH_

Did you  
take a picture  
of the two  
of you with  
your phone  
as well?

_No.  
SH_

Ha! You did  
too!

_We talked  
about the  
interface  
between  
crystals and  
liquids, and the  
grooves that  
aid nucleation.  
SH_

You lost me,  
but I’m happy  
you’re happy.

_I’m not happy.  
I am on fire!  
SH _

Scary.

_No.  
SH_

Have some  
champagne  
and dance. 

_I find  
these people  
fascinating.  
SH_

Keep your  
deductions  
to yourself. 

_The Prime  
Minister is  
clearly suffering  
from feelings of  
inferiority  
because  
the Finance  
Minister can  
grow a ponytail  
and he can’t.  
SH_

Play nice.

_I’m not the  
one manipulating  
the system to  
get more  
housing benefits.  
SH _

Whatever you  
do, don’t start  
a discussion  
about  
government  
benefits.

_He should  
have bought  
Swiss chocolate  
instead.  
SH_

Your  
brother says,  
and I quote:  
“Remind  
him I can’t  
get him out  
of prison in  
Sweden.”

_Tell him  
to stick  
something  
somewhere.  
SH_

No. Just stay  
out of trouble.

_My theory  
that the Physics  
laureates were  
overcompensating  
for something  
seems to be  
incorrect.  
SH_

What?

_Please. Three  
men getting  
awarded for  
studying expansion?  
Don’t tell me  
the thought didn’t  
cross your mind.  
SH_

It didn’t.

_I don’t believe  
you, but I was  
incorrect.  
At least  
two of them  
are very well  
endowed .  
SH_

I don’t want  
to know how  
you found that  
out.

_Choosing a  
weed as the  
symbol of your  
political party  
feels like a  
strange  
statement.  
SH_

How much  
champagne  
have you had?

_There’s a duck  
in the corner .  
SH_

What ELSE  
have you had?

Sherlock?

-x- 

Dr Watson, why  
isn't Mr Holmes  
answering?

#### Let’s just say he’s  
lost his phone  
privileges. Who’s  
asking?

The other Mr  
Holmes’ assistant.

#### Tell Mycroft I’m  
taking Sherlock  
back to the hotel  
now.

He’s not the  
one asking. Is  
he all right?

#### Yes. Don’t worry,  
everything is fine.

Thank you. I hope  
you had a pleasant  
evening.

#### Yes, thank you. It  
was extraordinary. A  
once-in-a-lifetime  
thing. At least I  
hope so.

That can be  
arranged.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [The Swedish Prince Carl Philip dressed for the Nobel Awards Ceremony ](http://www1.pictures.gi.zimbio.com/Nobel+Foundation+Prize+2007+Awards+Ceremony+M_7uIfL7S3Kl.jpg) 
> 
> Dan Shechtman won the Nobel in Chemistry this year for the discovery of quasicrystals. In 1984, he wrote the article _The microstructure of rapidly solidified Al 6Mn_ that Sherlock wanted him to sign. It describes the discovery for which he was rewarded the Medal.
> 
> [The Prime Minister (left, bald) and Finance Minister (right, with the ponytail) of Sweden](http://www.riksdagen.se/ImageVaultFiles/id_874/cf_45/budget-9571.JPG)
> 
> To make a long story short about the housing benefits and the chocolate: the man who was the [ leader](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/H%C3%A5kan_Juholt) of the Swedish Social Democratic Workers’ Party when this chapter was written had failed to fill out his forms correctly and received far more benefits than he should have. Although this was one of the larger political scandals in the Social Democrats’ history, he didn’t step down. [His predecessor](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mona_Sahlin) will forever be remembered for buying Toblerone (among other things) with taxpayer money even _before_ she became the party leader.
> 
> This year (2011), the Nobel Prize in Physics was given to Perlmutter, Schmidt and Riess for the discovery of the accelerating expansion of the universe through observations of distant supernovae. I know nothing about the size of their “equipment”.
> 
> The symbol of Sweden’s _Miljöpariet de Gröna_ party (the Green Party, literally _The Environmental Party the Greens_ ) is a dandelion. I am aware of the double meaning of the word _weed_.
> 
> I don’t know if there is a duck in the corner of [Gyllene salen](http://www.dn.se/Images/2011/12/10/dansgyllenesalen.jpg), where the party continues after the banquet.
> 
> EDIT 2015-07-11: I _do_ know that there are no duck in any corner of Gyllene salen! I looked very closely at all of them. I don't even think there was a duck anywhere. There was a headless St Erik and a female Carl Michael Bellman, but no ducks!


	7. Christmas Special

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Not!Anthea manages Christmas in the same way she helps run the country - efficiently and manipulatively.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sadly, this got jossed by ASiB. Just pretend you read this in December 2011 and not after January 2012 and it'll all be fine.
> 
> Extra big thanks to Zedille when it comes to this one since she saved it from moving too fast ~~in the wrong direction~~.

* * *

  


_Is it within your  
power to cancel  
Christmas?  
SH_  
  
Didn’t we  
have this  
conversation  
last year?  
  
And the year  
before that.  
  
 _Yes, and the  
result was always  
disappointing.  
SH_  
  
I’m sorry to  
say that I  
haven’t been  
promoted  
to manage  
religious holidays  
yet.  
  
 _Christmas is  
hardly a religious  
holiday.  
SH_  
  
True.  
  
 _So?  
SH_  
  
Sorry, the  
economy needs  
the Christmas  
shopping season.  
  
 _Don’t blame  
your incompetence  
on the economy.  
SH_  
  
Someone just  
got moved  
to the naughty  
list.  
  
 _So you’re filling  
in for Father  
Christmas now?  
SH_  
  
No. I’m  
his assistant.  
  
 _Are you  
saying Mycroft  
is Santa? Because  
I know that’s  
not true.  
SH_  
  
You do?  
  
 _Yes, because  
no matter what  
fairy tale you  
believe, Santa  
Claus never  
lived in London.  
SH_  
  
Maybe that’s  
what we want  
you to think.  
  
 _This is the strangest  
conspiracy theory  
I’ve ever heard of.  
SH_  
  
I am the peacetime  
propaganda minister,  
remember?  
  
 _Then use  
your powers  
for good and  
cancel Christmas.  
SH_  
  
What’s the magic  
word?  
  
 _Please.  
SH_  
  
Sorry, the word  
I was looking  
for was ‘evanesco’.  
Christmas is still on.  
  
 _Now you’re just  
being ridiculous.  
SH_  
  
And you aren’t?  
  
 _Would it surprise  
you if I told you I’m  
bored?  
SH_  
  
Not at all, Sherlock.  
  
-x-  
  
 _Do I need  
to get John a  
Christmas  
present?_  
  
Yes.  
  
 _I figured. What  
should I get him?  
SH_  
  
That depends.  
  
 _On what?  
SH_  
  
On whether you’ve  
fucked yet or not.  
  
 _How vulgar.  
SH_  
  
Oh, don’t be  
such a prude!  
  
 _I’m not a prude,  
but you’re rather  
crude.  
SH_  
  
What a nice little  
poem.  
  
 _Yes, I do spend  
my free time  
butchering limericks  
and haikus.  
SH_  
  
I must say,  
you do it well.  
  
 _Thank you. What  
should I get John?  
SH_  
  
Well, have you  
fucked yet?  
  
Sorry, have you  
made love yet?  
  
 _I don’t see  
why we ever  
would.  
SH_  
  
Oh, Sherlock.  
  
 _Don’t ‘Oh,  
Sherlock’ me.  
I’d never take  
him from you.  
SH_  
  
I wish you would.  
  
 _Why?  
SH_  
  
Wouldn’t it  
be wonderful  
if one of us  
weren’t married  
to their work?  
  
 _Have I missed  
something? I  
thought we  
both liked our  
marriages.  
SH_  
  
I do.  
  
 _I do too.  
SH_  
  
Get John a  
new kettle.  
  
 _He has a kettle.  
SH_  
  
You can always  
blow it up  
before Christmas.  
  
 _That is a  
possibility.  
Thank you.  
SH_  
  
You’re welcome.  
Buy a new mug  
as well.  
  
-x-  
  
What should  
I get you from  
your brother  
this year?  
  
 _Peace on  
earth.  
SH_  
  
Are you high?  
  
 _Yes.  
SH_  
  
Really?  
  
 _Of course not.  
SH_  
  
Are you sure?  
  
 _Yes. John  
makes sure of  
it.  
SH_  
  
I’ll arrange that  
your brother  
gets him  
something nice.  
  
 _That won’t be  
necessary.  
SH_  
  
Yes, it will. Do you  
want anything  
besides world peace?  
  
 _There is this  
scanning electron  
microscope….  
SH_  
  
How much?  
  
 _That depends.  
SH_  
  
That sounds  
expensive.  
  
 _The one I’m  
looking at is  
£ 57.000.  
SH_  
  
That’s not  
happening.  
  
 _There are  
cheaper ones.  
SH_  
  
I have a feeling  
we can’t fit any  
of those into  
our budget either.  
  
 _Perhaps Bart’s  
could get one?  
SH_  
  
More plausible,  
but don’t count  
on it.  
  
 _A private box  
at the Royal Albert  
Hall will be fine.  
SH_  
  
That’s what I’ve  
been getting you from  
your brother since  
I started. Where  
is your originality?  
  
 _But I like my box.  
SH_  
  
Fine.  
  
-x-  
  
I got your gift  
today. Thank you.  
  
 _You’re welcome.  
Don’t open it  
until Christmas.  
SH_  
  
That’s what you  
do. Not me.  
  
 _I don’t know  
what you’re  
talking about.  
SH_  
  
-x-  
  
Do you want  
me to buy a  
gift from you  
for your brother?  
  
 _No, thank you.  
I’m managing on  
my own this year.  
SH_  
  
Is John forcing  
you?  
  
 _Yes.  
SH_  
  
What are you  
getting him?  
  
 _An exploding  
umbrella.  
SH_  
  
-x-  
  
 _I kissed John.  
SH_  
  
That’s all I wanted  
for Christmas!  
  
 _That’s quite sad,  
but don’t get your  
hopes up. Mrs  
Hudson put  
up some mistletoe,  
and who are we  
to refuse her?  
SH_  
  
Oh, Sherlock. You  
sentimental ball  
of fluffy Christmas  
spirit.  
  
 _Be quiet.  
SH_  
  
For that, I think I’ll  
get Mrs Hudson  
a pair of diamond  
earrings.  
  
 _She’d prefer  
a necklace.  
SH_  
  
Maybe you should  
buy her a necklace  
then.  
  
 _John has taken  
care of that.  
SH_  
  
That man is  
amazing.  
  
 _Quite.  
SH_  
  
Kiss him again.  
  
 _Don’t get  
carried away.  
SH_  
  
-x-  
  
 _I’ve blown up  
the kettle now.  
SH_  
  
God. That wasn’t  
a serious suggestion.  
  
 _Nevertheless, it  
worked very well.  
He suspects nothing.  
SH_  
  
I feel I need to  
apologise to John.  
  
-x-  
  
Your brother  
wants to know  
if he should add  
your name on  
the gift he  
bought for your  
parents.  
  
 _Did he buy it,  
or did you buy it?  
SH_  
  
He wants to know if  
I should add your  
name on the  
gift I bought  
after he picked  
it out.  
  
 _That sounds  
more believable.  
SH_  
  
Shall I add  
your name?  
  
 _If you do,  
does it mean I  
agree to spend  
Christmas  
with them?  
SH_  
  
You’ll have to do  
that anyway.  
  
 _I’m a grown  
man!  
SH_  
  
So?  
  
 _Fine. Put my  
name on the gift.  
SH_  
  
Done. The car  
will pick you  
up at 17:15 on  
the 23 rd.  
  
 _No.  
SH_  
  
Yes.  
  
 _No.  
SH_  
  
You know I’ll  
win.  
  
 _I promised  
John I’d spend  
Christmas Eve  
with him.  
SH_  
  
The car will  
pick you up  
early on the  
25 th.  
  
-x-  
  
You’re not  
spending  
today with John,  
are you?  
  
 _No, I’m sorry.  
He’s with Harry.  
SH_  
  
I’m going to  
get you, Sherlock  
Holmes! No one  
who fools me goes  
unpunished.  
  
 _Are you going to  
tell on me?  
SH_  
  
No, that would be  
too easy.  
  
 _I have to spend  
three days with  
my family. That is  
punishment  
enough.  
SH_  
  
Don’t be too sure.  
  
 _How was your  
flight?  
SH_  
  
The in-flight WiFi  
made it far less  
relaxing than usual.  
  
 _You love working.  
SH_  
  
I do.  
  
 _Don’t forget to  
use sunblock.  
SH_  
  
Worried I’ll get  
melanoma?  
  
 _Well, yes. I’m  
sure you have the  
statistics on  
melanoma in  
Australia.  
SH_  
  
I do. We English  
are not built for  
that much sun,  
are we?  
  
 _No. Use sunblock.  
SH_  
  
I will.  
  
 _That’s all I’m  
asking.  
SH_  
  
-x-  
  
Merry Christmas.  
  
 _No, it’s not.  
SH_  
  
Cheer up.  
  
 _Not likely.  
SH_  
  
Full of Christmas  
spirit, aren’t we?  
  
 _I’m a bubbling  
bundle of joy.  
SH_  
  
As always.  
  
 _Drinking umbrella  
drinks on the beach?  
SH_  
  
Close. White wine on  
a roof terrace.  
Christmasy, isn't it?  
  
 _Not really. More  
than what I’m doing  
though.  
SH_  
  
I’m sure it’s not  
that bad.  
  
 _I’m sure you’re wrong.  
SH_  
  
I’m never wrong.  
  
-x-  
  
 _Are you trying  
to tell me  
something?  
SH_  
  
Opened the gift,  
have we?  
  
 _Yes.  
SH_  
  
Do you like it?  
  
 _That depends.  
SH_  
  
On what?  
  
 _On what you are  
trying to tell me.  
SH_  
  
Oh, Sherlock. Isn’t  
it obvious?  
  
 _Not really.  
SH_  
  
You need to  
practise. I’m  
getting tired of  
winning.  
  
 _Don’t be absurd.  
SH_  
  
I’m never absurd,  
I’m always fabulous.  
I like the brooch, by the  
way.  
  
 _Have you figured  
out that you can open  
it?  
SH_  
  
Yes, of course. How  
could I have  
missed that?  
Nothing says  
Merry Christmas  
like a secret place to  
put poison.  
  
 _I would  
recommend  
powders  
over liquids.  
SH_  
  
Isn’t this  
redundant, since  
you gave him  
an exploding  
umbrella?  
  
 _It gave him  
non-explosive  
cufflinks. This  
was my back-up  
plan.  
SH_  
  
Sneaky.  
  
 _I guess you could  
keep a caffeine pill  
there, if you don’t  
want to kill Mycroft.  
SH_  
  
I don’t think it’s  
big enough.  
  
 _It is. I’ve checked.  
SH_  
  
You’re sweet, in  
your own odd way.  
  
 _You too, I guess.  
SH_  
  
You guess? You  
never guess.  
  
 _Are you being  
difficult on purpose?  
SH_  
  
Always. Now, take  
the Scrabble I got  
you, and go play  
with your brother.  
  
 _That would just  
make your Christmas,  
wouldn’t it?  
SH_  
  
It would.


	8. New Year's Special

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Same procedure as every year.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one managed to be jossed as well. Pretend you read it in 2011 and it will all be fine.

* * *

Any New Year’s  
resolutions?  
  
 _Of course not.  
SH_  
  
I should have  
known.  
  
 _Yes, you should  
have.  
SH_  
  
I blame jetlag.  
  
 _Still?  
SH_  
  
No, but that’s  
the best excuse  
I can come up  
with right now.  
  
 _Spending time  
Down Under  
has made you  
soft. Or slow.  
SH_  
  
Hush.  
  
 _We can always  
blame Mycroft….  
SH_  
  
That’s too easy.  
  
 _But so much fun.  
SH_  
  
-x-  
  
I hate winters  
in London.  
  
 _Would it be  
better anywhere  
else in the  
Queendom?  
SH_  
  
It’s still a kingdom,  
even if we don’t  
have a king at the  
moment.  
  
 _I find that  
rather sexist.  
Don’t you?  
SH_  
  
Not really, no.  
A queendom  
with a king would  
remain a  
queendom, just  
as our kingdom  
remains a kingdom  
even with Her  
Majesty on the  
throne.  
  
 _Thank you for  
that bit of  
unnecessary  
knowledge.  
SH_  
  
Knowledge  
about language  
usage and forms  
of government are  
never unnecessary.  
  
 _You’re very  
wordy today.  
SH_  
  
Thank you for  
noticing.  
  
 _You’re very  
welcome.  
SH_  
  
I still hate winters  
in London.  
  
 _I don’t know,  
it has its moments.  
SH_  
  
You mean rain,  
cold and darkness?  
  
 _You’d prefer  
that it snow?  
SH_  
  
God, no. Running  
the city is hard  
enough already.  
Don’t even joke  
about things  
like snow.  
  
 _You know, snow  
can be rather  
romantic.  
SH_  
  
Romantic?  
  
 _Yes, well, please  
keep that  
information to  
yourself.  
SH_  
  
Is there something  
you're not telling me?  
Are you keeping  
secrets from  
me, Sherlock?  
  
 _No. Keeping  
secrets is your  
job, not mine.  
SH_  
  
Among other  
things. I spend  
quite some time  
revealing other  
people’s secrets  
as well.  
  
 _No, that’s my  
job. Stop being  
greedy.  
SH_  
  
I blame the rain.  
  
-x-  
  
Here you go, I  
made it snow.  
Just for you.  
  
 _I’m not sure  
it counts if it  
doesn’t stay  
on the ground.  
SH_  
  
That’s ungrateful.  
Do you have any  
idea how hard it  
is to make it snow  
in London with  
global warming?  
  
 _Yes, I’m sure  
it kept you up  
all night.  
SH_  
  
Just go out and  
enjoy the snow  
with John.  
  
 _Why would I  
do that?  
SH_  
  
Because you  
think it’s  
romantic?  
  
 _I don’t want  
to be romantic  
with John.  
SH_  
  
That’s too bad.  
  
 _Thank you  
for the snow  
though. I like it.  
SH_  
  
-x-  
  
 _What’s this  
year's fireworks  
budget?  
SH_  
  
Not sure, but  
I’m sure you  
won’t be  
disappointed.  
  
 _I wanted to  
be a pyrotechnic  
engineer when I  
was a child.  
SH_  
  
For fireworks?  
That’s so sweet!  
You’ve never  
told me that.  
  
 _The manufacturing_  
 _of fireworks is  
quite a fascinating  
chemical process.  
SH_  
  
I’ve never thought  
about them that way.  
  
 _Few people do.  
It’s a fine art with a  
long history.  
SH_  
  
I’m surprised  
that you haven’t  
managed that  
exploding umbrella  
yet, if pyrotechnics  
is such an interest  
of yours.  
  
 _If I wanted  
Mycroft to go up  
in a rain of  
sparkling stars….  
SH_  
  
Admit it, you’re  
as protective of  
him as he is of  
you.  
  
 _Not wasting my  
time trying to kill  
him makes me an  
over-protective  
nutcase?  
SH_  
  
Yes. Especially  
the nutcase  
part is spot-on.  
  
 _Maybe you’re  
the one who  
should get the  
umbrella?  
SH_  
  
I’ve always  
imagined my  
last moments  
in a rain of  
sparkling stars.  
  
 _Would you  
prefer silver or gold?  
SH_  
  
Dealer’s choice.  
  
 _Silver, then.  
SH_  
  
Care to  
explain  
why?  
  
 _Not much to  
explain. Silver  
suits you better.  
SH_  
  
Gold doesn’t  
suit me?  
  
 _Gold in fireworks is  
made of charcoal  
and iron, the silver  
of aluminium or  
titanium. Ergo:  
silver suits you better.  
SH_  
  
Your compliments  
are always so  
complex.  
  
 _My compliments  
are never  
compliments.  
They are simply  
observations.  
SH_  
  
Then your  
observations  
are complex.  
  
 _Yes, that’s my  
job. I wouldn’t  
be any good at  
it if all I saw were  
new shirts or  
haircuts,  
would I?  
SH_  
  
True.  
  
 _So, silver  
would suit you  
better than gold,  
because it doesn’t  
involve charcoal.  
SH_  
  
I understood the first  
time.Please  
don’t kill me with  
an exploding  
umbrella.  
  
 _I would never  
do that. We’ll  
make it rain  
silver over you  
in some other  
way.  
SH_  
  
I think I can  
manage without,  
but thank you  
anyway.  
  
-x-  
  
Where are you  
watching the  
fireworks from  
this year?  
  
 _The same spot  
as always.  
SH_  
  
Is John with you?  
  
 _No. He’s out  
with his friends  
from uni again.  
Where are you?  
SH_  
  
In your brother’s  
official office.  
  
 _Not still working,  
I hope?  
SH_  
  
No, I’m taking  
a break. The view  
is wonderful. With  
recent events  
in North Korea  
I’m always  
working.  
  
 _Is Mycroft there  
with you?  
SH_  
  
No, he had to  
rush over to  
Foreign Office.  
So we’re  
both alone this  
year.  
  
 _Seems like it, yes,  
but you can’t  
make me believe  
Mycroft rushed  
anywhere. Waddled,  
maybe.  
SH_  
  
Don’t be like that.  
You’re not cold,  
are you?  
  
 _No, I’ve  
borrowed one  
of John’s  
jumpers.  
SH_  
  
Is he aware  
that you've  
borrowed it?  
  
 _No.  
SH_  
  
Then you can't  
call it ‘borrowing’.  
  
 _He doesn’t  
mind, he’ll be  
glad I’ve taken  
precautions against  
pneumonia.  
SH_  
  
He and I both.  
  
 _Why does  
everyone act as  
if I can’t take  
care of myself?  
SH_  
  
Call it experience.  
  
 _I don’t know  
what you’re  
talking about.  
SH_  
  
I’ll explain when  
you’re a bit older.  
  
 _I’m older than you.  
SH_  
  
You just have my  
word for that. You  
really shouldn’t  
trust me.  
  
 _Who says I do?  
SH_  
  
Oh! It’s starting!  
  
 _Yes, I noticed.  
SH_  
  
The bell always gives  
me goose bumps.  
  
 _Happy New Year.  
SH_  
  
Happy New Year.  
  
 _And just so you  
know— you're not  
alone.  
SH_


	9. The Big Question

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The big question is, how can not!Anthea work for Mycroft?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> These texts are sent sometime between the start of their friendship and that diffuse time post-pool, pre-Irene.

* * *

_How can you  
work for my  
brother?  
SH_  
  
Have you seen  
his umbrella?  
  
 _Yes.  
SH_  
  
Then I don’t see  
why you’re  
asking me that.  
  
 _Excuse me  
while I poke my  
eyes out with a  
knitting needle.  
SH_  
  
You don’t knit.  
  
 _Mrs Hudson does.  
SH_  
  
What has he done  
this time?  
  
 _Raised the import  
taxes on fish  
collagen.  
SH_  
  
It’s not the taxes  
as much as the  
price itself that  
has gone up.  
  
 _But the taxes  
have gone up.  
SH_  
  
Yes. Would you like  
me to bore you  
with the details?  
  
 _No, I want you  
to make the price  
go down again.  
SH_  
  
And I wanted a  
pony when I was  
seven. We all  
had vain hopes  
and dreams when  
we were young.  
  
 _I’m older than you.  
SH_  
  
I still can’t believe  
you trust me on  
that one.  
  
 _I don’t trust you.  
SH_  
  
Clever boy.  
  
-x-  
  
 _How can you  
work for that  
man?  
SH_  
  
The benefits  
are wonderful.  
  
 _Liar. No  
government  
employee  
has benefits  
good enough to  
make up for  
having Mycroft  
as a boss.  
SH_  
  
What can I say?  
I have a soft  
spot for black  
cars with tinted  
windows.  
  
 _Feeling silly  
today, are we?  
SH_  
  
Only when  
talking to you.  
  
 _I’m honoured.  
SH_  
  
You bring out  
the worst in me.  
  
 _So you’ll make  
him stop  
screening my  
cases, then?  
SH_  
  
Oh, he’s not  
the one doing  
that.  
  
 _Et tu, Madeleine?  
SH_  
  
Always with the  
drama. What is  
it with the two  
of you?  
  
 _Don’t compare  
me to Mycroft.  
SH_  
  
It’s very hard  
not to.  
  
 _Try.  
SH_  
  
No.  
  
 _At least stop  
screening my  
cases!  
SH_  
  
What do you say?  
  
 _Stop screening  
my cases, please.  
SH_  
  
I’ll think about it.  
  
 _You’re terrible.  
SH_  
  
-x-  
  
 _How can you  
work for that  
man?  
SH_  
  
What’s he  
done now?  
  
 _Oh, don’t play  
dumb. You know  
exactly what he’s  
done.  
SH_  
  
I know a lot  
of things he’s  
done, but I’m  
not sure which  
one you’re upset  
about right now.  
  
 _Just make him  
stop. He’s ruining  
everything.  
SH_  
  
Sherlock, I might  
have superpowers,  
but I can’t read  
your mind through  
text messages.  
  
 _Just make him  
stop sticking his  
nose where it  
doesn’t belong.  
SH_  
  
His nose belongs  
everywhere.  
  
 _The nightmares  
that image will  
cause….  
SH_  
  
I don’t know, I  
find the thought  
rather amusing.  
  
 _From time to time,  
your sense of  
humour baffles  
me.  
SH_  
  
It’s just one of  
the many things  
about me that  
intrigue you.  
  
 _I find nothing  
about you even  
remotely interesting.  
SH_  
  
I never thought  
the day would  
come when I’d  
suggest you  
should take  
lessons in lying  
from John. Now  
I actually think  
you could learn a  
thing or two.  
  
 _So you can  
tell when I’m  
lying, but you can’t  
read my mind?  
SH_  
  
Yes. It was such  
an obvious lie.  
Everything about  
me is interesting.  
  
 _Hardly.  
SH_  
  
-x-  
  
 _How can you  
work for that  
man?  
SH_  
  
The decision is  
final, Sherlock.  
You’re going to  
your mother’s  
birthday party.  
  
 _Oh, we’ll see  
about that.  
SH_  
  
The two of you  
have bought a  
hideous crystal  
vase.  
  
 _I’m sure she’ll  
love it. Did you  
sign the card for  
us too?  
SH_  
  
Of course. Your mother  
has truly terrible taste.  
  
 _Especially in men.  
SH_  
  
Then we have that  
in common.  
  
 _Our father was  
much worse than  
Mycroft.  
SH_  
  
I wasn’t referring  
to your brother.  
  
 _That’s something,  
at least.  
SH_  
  
The car will pick  
you up at 11:15.  
  
 _No, it won’t.  
SH_  
  
You’re so cute when  
you think you  
have a choice.  
  
-x-  
  
 _How can you  
work for that  
man?  
SH_  
  
Some people  
start with ‘hello’.  
  
 _Those people  
are stupid.  
SH_  
  
Polite doesn’t  
necessarily mean  
stupid.  
  
 _Most social  
rituals are there  
to hide people’s  
shortcomings.  
SH_  
  
Saying ‘hello’ is not  
one of those.  
  
 _Fine.  
SH_  
  
 _Hello. Lovely  
weather, isn’t it?  
Please tell my  
brother that he can’t  
reduce funding for  
the winter shelters.  
Sincerely yours,  
Sherlock Holmes._  
  
Not all the evil in  
the world comes  
from your brother.  
  
 _This does.  
SH_  
  
No, Sherlock, it  
does not.  
  
 _Is there  
something he  
could do about  
it, then?  
SH_  
  
No, I’m sorry.  
  
 _Not as sorry as  
the homeless will be.  
SH_  
  
-x-  
  
 _How can you  
work for that  
man?  
SH_  
  
Would you like  
me to make a list?  
  
 _No, thank you.  
I’m sure it  
would just be  
frustrating to  
read about  
your stupidity.  
SH_  
  
Then stop asking  
that question!  
  
-x-  
  
 _How can you  
work for that  
man?  
SH_  
  
I’ve started to  
wonder if there’s  
a secret message  
in that text.  
  
 _There isn’t.  
SH_  
  
We’re still in  
Brussels, so  
whatever it is,  
your brother can’t  
be responsible.  
  
 _Oh, it was a  
real question  
this time. I’m  
bored.  
SH_  
  
You? Bored?  
No, that can’t be.  
  
 _Your sarcasm is  
not amusing.  
SH_  
  
I think so, and  
you know I can’t  
talk about my  
job.  
  
 _Indulge me.  
SH_  
  
I always indulge  
you, Sherlock.  
  
 _So, why do  
you work for  
Mycroft?  
SH_  
  
Don’t be jealous.  
Your chromosomes  
are still hotter.  
  
 _I’m not jealous.  
SH_  
  
Why do you  
want to know,  
then?  
  
 _Is it so hard  
to believe that  
I’d like to know  
about the start  
of my friend’s  
insanity?  
SH_  
  
Not when you’re  
bored, no.  
  
 _Well, then.  
SH_  
  
Isn’t it obvious  
why I work  
for your brother?  
  
 _No, I think it’s  
irrational.  
SH_  
  
You know how  
you feel about  
a really clever  
serial killer?  
  
 _Of course.  
SH_  
  
That’s how I  
feel about  
complex logistical  
systems. And  
economic  
planning. And  
political intrigue.  
  
 _And people call  
me a freak.  
SH_  
  
Hush.  
  
 _I get it though.  
You're as insane  
as he is.  
SH_  
  
We share a lot  
of ideas and  
concerns, yes.  
  
 _How did you  
meet him?  
SH_  
  
Usual way: girl  
gets amazing  
internship after  
uni and impresses  
boy with her work  
during the Dublin riots.  
  
 _And he just gave  
you the job?  
SH_  
  
No, he got me a  
job in Frankfurt.  
  
 _As a test?  
SH_  
  
Of course.  
  
 _I thought he’d  
pick Brussels for  
that sort of thing.  
SH_  
  
Oh, that was the  
second test. He’s  
rather picky.  
  
 _You seem to  
have passed.  
SH_  
  
Of course. I’m  
that good.  
  
 _Or just that  
insane.  
SH_  
  
Hush.  
  
-x-  
  
 _How can you  
work for that  
man?  
SH_  
  
He brought you  
into my life.  
  
That shut you  
up, didn’t it?  
  
 _No, it didn’t.  
SH_  
  
So you didn’t  
answer for 20  
minutes because  
you and John  
were snogging  
on the sofa?  
  
 _Don’t be absurd.  
SH_  
  
You know I’m never  
absurd. Silly, maybe.  
  
 _Then don’t be silly.  
SH_  
  
If I am, it’s your fault.  
Still, you’re one of  
the best things about  
this job.  
  
 _You’re one of the  
best things about  
Mycroft.  
SH_  
  
Oh, so there are  
other good things  
then?  
  
 _No. I guess you’re  
the only good thing  
about my brother.  
SH_  
  
Oh, hush.


	10. A Scandal in Belgravia

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A Scandal in Belgravia told by Sherlock's and not!Anthea's texts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is starting to get hard, AO3 won't let me use more fonts.

Life is just too  
good right now.

_Shut up.  
SH_

A deerstalker!

_I said, shut up.  
SH_

And I’m  
ignoring that.

_Do you have any  
idea how hard  
it is to work  
when everyone  
recognises me?  
SH_

Do you have any  
idea how hard it  
is for ME to work  
when I can’t take  
my eyes of this  
adorable picture  
of you in a  
deerstalker?

_Grow up!  
SH_

-x-

_I hate people.  
SH_

What have they  
done now?

_They want me to  
investigate things that  
not even the police  
could screw up.  
SH_

It’s the price of fame.

_I never wanted  
fame.  
SH_

You did too.

_It’s all John’s  
fault. He should  
have to take the  
boring cases.  
SH_

Sure, he’ll agree  
to that.

_Do you think so?  
SH_

No.

_We should have  
a rating system.  
SH_

You work on that.

_You won’t help me?  
SH_

This is something  
between you and  
your boyfriend.

_John is not my  
boyfriend.  
SH_

Of course he isn’t.

_This is tedious.  
SH_

You should see  
this website  
your brother  
wants me to  
look into. It’s  
quite stimulating.

_Not John’s blog,  
I hope?  
SH_

No, though your  
brother is almost as  
annoyed about it  
as you are.

_Can’t he have  
it shut down?  
SH_

‘British government  
shuts down popular  
blog due to disturbing  
content.’ Yes, that’s  
a headline we want  
to see.

 _I’ll just have to  
do it myself, then.  
SH_

Have fun!

-x-

You deleted your  
analyses of tobacco  
ash?

_Yes.  
SH_

Pity.

_You read it?  
SH_

Yes.

-x-

Where are you?

_Bed.  
SH_

Ah, the life of the  
self-employed.

_I would support  
you fully if you  
decided to quit and  
start your own  
business.  
SH_

Where did John go?

_Kindly spend our  
tax revenue on  
something other  
than monitoring  
my flat.  
SH_

Where’s John?

_I thought you  
were over your  
obsession with  
him.  
SH_

Doctor in uniform,  
Sherlock, a girl  
never gets over that.

_I thought he  
was Mycroft’s  
boytoy?  
SH_

No, that’s Detective  
Inspector Lestrade.

_Your horror  
stories are better  
than Stephen King’s.  
SH_

Some things just  
write themselves.  
Where is John?

_On his way to  
a crime scene.  
SH_

Without you?

_Boring case. A six.  
SH_

A six?

_Our new rating  
system. He takes  
everything less than  
a seven.  
SH_

He agreed to that?

_I think I would  
have noticed if  
he disagreed.  
SH_

What’s the case?

_I’m sure that my  
brother's new toy  
could get you a file  
or something.  
SH_

Or you could tell me. 

_Why do you  
want to know?  
SH_

I need to know  
where to pick  
him up.

_I don’t have the  
exact coordinates.  
DI Carter is on the  
case. Dead hiker.  
SH_

Thank you. Then I think  
we need a helicopter.

_I’m not sure if  
that’s more amusing  
or disturbing.  
SH_

You don’t have to  
decide right now.

_How magnanimous  
of you.  
SH_

I know.

_I should get out  
of bed.  
SH_

You probably should.  
And get dressed.

_Why?  
SH_

Oh, just some  
friendly advice.

-x-

How old are you?

_He started it.  
SH_

Behave. Or I’ll  
tell him about the  
ashtray. 

_I’m taking the  
case, isn’t that  
enough?  
SH_

If you find the  
pictures, will you  
show me?

_If?  
SH_

Sorry, when.

_You could  
find better lesbian  
porn if you hacked  
John’s computer.  
SH_

I’m sure I have  
better lesbian  
porn on my phone.  
That’s not why I  
want to see them.

_I think I’ll show  
my brother these  
texts.  
SH_

You would never.

_No, I wouldn’t.  
Now, stop disturbing  
me, I have royal  
pornography to  
hunt down.  
SH_

Good luck.

_I don’t need luck.  
SH_

-x-

Dr Watson, he’s  
not answering.  
Is he all right?

#### Are we talking about the drugs or the Americans?

Sorry about that.

#### You’re sorry? Well, that makes it all fine!

I apologise. Is  
Sherlock all right?

#### They held a GUN to my head!

Mr Holmes is  
handling it.

#### Fuck off.

Please, Dr Watson.  
Is he all right?

#### He will be.

Again, we do  
apologise. We  
never anticipated  
this.

-x-

_Tell my brother  
that this is the  
last time I do  
anything for him.  
SH_

John has already  
expressed his  
concerns.

_Concerns? Those  
imbecilic Americans  
held a gun to his  
head and threatened  
to shoot him!  
SH_

I’m sorry.

_No.  
SH_

What do you  
want me to do?

_There is nothing  
you can do.  
SH_

I’m sorry, Sherlock.  
Don’t you think  
we'd have told you  
if we knew?

_No.  
SH_

I’m sorry.

-x-

Are you going  
to be angry  
with me forever?

_I’m not angry.  
That would be a  
waste of energy.  
SH_

Are you ever  
going to forgive  
me?

_Time will tell.  
SH_

I’m sorry.

_They held a gun  
to John’s head.  
Sorry is not  
enough.  
SH_

I know.

_They would have  
killed him if I’d  
got it wrong.  
SH_

You don’t get  
things wrong.

_What if I had?  
SH_

You didn’t.

_What if I had?  
SH_

God, I’m sorry,  
Sherlock.

_Withholding  
information is  
something I  
expected from  
Mycroft.  
SH_

I didn’t know  
they would be  
there! You have  
to believe me.

_I don’t have  
to do anything.  
SH_

-x-

You can’t ask Santa  
for “a nice juicy  
murder”.

_Reading John’s  
blog, are we?  
SH_

Getting the report  
from the police.

But yes.

_Please stop.  
SH_

You’re still getting  
texts from Ms  
Adler?

_That is none of  
your business.  
SH_

She blackmailed  
the Royal Family.

_I’d hardly call it  
blackmail.  
SH_

You shouldn’t be  
in contact with her.

_Jealous?  
SH_

No.

_Worry about  
controlling the  
foreign assassins  
you allow to run  
wild in our streets,  
instead of caring  
about who I get  
texts from.  
SH_

Fine. 

_I swear, you’re  
getting more  
and more like  
Mycroft.  
SH_

-x-

What do you  
want from your  
brother for  
Christmas?

_Privacy.  
SH_

What do you  
want from me?

_The same?  
SH_

Fine.

-x-

Was it her?

**He made a positive  
identification.  
MH**

How is he?

**He has John.  
MH**

-x-

I’m sorry, Sherlock.

_Why? Has an  
American held  
a gun to John’s  
head again?  
SH_

Are you all right?

_John messed up  
my sock index.  
SH_

-x-

Is he all right?

#### No.

Did you find  
anything?

#### No.

His Victorian  
stationary box  
has a false  
bottom.

#### Damn. How did you know?

His brother has  
one like it.

#### Dare I ask what he keeps there?

Chocolate.

#### Better than this.

Yes. Take care  
of him.

#### I try.

-x-

Sherlock?

_No.  
SH_

-x-

Are you all right?

-x-

Is he all right?

####  I don’t know.

Take care of him.

####  Of course.

Thank you.

-x-

_How could you  
let this happen?  
SH_

What? What  
happened?

_You’re supposed  
to watch our flat!  
SH_

You asked us to  
stop. What  
happened?

_You never listen!  
Your CIA thugs  
attacked Mrs  
Hudson!  
SH_

Oh, God! Is she all  
right?

_Yes, no thanks  
to you. Why are  
they still in the  
country?  
SH_

I’m sorry, I can’t  
tell you that.

_You owe me that  
explanation.  
SH_

I can’t.

_Gun to John’s  
head. Attacked  
Mrs Hudson. Tell  
me why they are  
here.  
SH_

I’m sorry.

-x-

Ms Adler is  
still alive?

_Stop reading  
John’s blog.  
SH_

Are you all right?

_Stop asking that  
question.  
SH_

Answer it!

_Get rid of the  
CIA agents.  
SH_

-x-

Ms Adler, leave  
Mr Holmes alone.

  
Which one?

Preferably both.

  
Pick one.

Sherlock.

  
How sweet.  
Jealous?

-x-

_She’s here.  
SH_

Be careful. 

_Are the CIA  
agents gone?  
SH_

No.

_Then she stays.  
SH_

Do you tell me  
these things  
just to  
upset me?

_I don’t know.  
Maybe.  
SH_

Be careful.

-x-

He’s not angry  
with you.

_I’m angry with  
myself.  
SH_

It’s not completely your  
fault. If I’d told you  
what was going  
on, this would never  
have happened.

_I should have  
figured it out.  
SH_

If I’d just seduced  
you first, this would  
never have happened.

_Yes, you’re right.  
This is all your fault.  
SH_

I’m sorry I didn’t  
tell you everything.

_I’m sorry I  
compared you  
to Mycroft.  
SH_

Friends again?

_Friends.  
SH_

-x-

I have something  
you might be  
interested in.

_Oh?  
SH_

She’s being held  
captive in Karachi.

_Keeping track of  
The Woman, are we?  
SH_

After what she  
did to you and your  
brother, of course I am.

_That’s a bit  
overprotective,  
don't you think?  
SH_

No.

_So this is the  
end for Ms Adler.  
SH_

If you’d like to  
change that, I  
have plane  
tickets and a  
false passport  
for you. Though I’d  
advise against it.

_Does Mycroft know?  
SH_

Yes.

_Does he approve?  
SH_

Not entirely.

_Can you make sure  
John doesn’t find out?  
SH_

I’ll see to that.

_Thank you.  
SH_

Be careful.

_Of course.  
SH_

-x-

_It went well.  
SH_

‘British government  
saves woman  
screwing Royal  
Family over.’

_We’ll keep that  
out of the papers.  
SH_

Thank you.

-x-

_John is truly  
terrible at lying.  
SH_

Give him credit  
for even trying.

_He should know  
better than to try  
to lie to me.  
SH_

He loves you and  
wants to protect  
you.

_I thought that  
was your job.  
SH_

My job involves  
filling planes with  
dead bodies and  
rescuing terrorists  
from terrorists.

_So the love and  
protection are  
delegated to John?  
SH_

No, those are my  
hobbies.

_It’s better than  
philately.  
SH_

Hush.


	11. Smokin'

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As the self-appointed peacetime propaganda minister of the UK not!Anthea tries to make Sherlock understand that smoking is bad for his health.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it took so long to update this story. It has been waiting in the pipe for _Eating us alive, again…_ to end and for me to figure out the in-verse TRF. And I don't know when I said it last, but everyone should take some time to thank Zedille for the works she does on this series. 
> 
> These texts are sent sometime between the beginning of their friendship right up to the days before HOUNDS.
> 
> (If it's not too much to ask, pretend that it's Jim Carrey in The Mask who says "Smokin' " ;) )

Smoking kills.

_Perhaps I’m suicidal.  
SH_

No, you admire  
yourself too much.

_It’s easy to admire_  
 _me._  
 _SH_

I think you’re  
confusing yourself  
with me.

_Hardly.  
SH_

-x-

_You’re making_  
 _smoking indoors_  
 _illegal in order to_  
 _make me quit?_  
 _SH_

Yes, everything  
the government  
does revolves  
around you.

_Oh, ha ha.  
SH_

Run out of  
arguments  
already? I’m a  
bit disappointed.

_Shut up.  
SH_

You know, this  
might be a good  
time to consider  
quitting.

_See! It’s not_  
 _paranoia when_  
 _it’s true._  
 _SH_

In your case Big  
Brother is always  
watching, isn’t he?

_You’ve wanted to use_  
 _that for a while,_  
 _haven’t you?_  
 _SH_

Since the first  
time I texted you.

_Glad we got it_  
 _out of the way,_  
 _then._  
 _SH_

-x-

Smoking can make  
you impotent.

_That wouldn’t be_  
 _the worst thing_  
 _in the world._  
 _SH_

You don’t want  
to have children?

_Certainly not._  
 _Not that being_  
 _impotent would_  
 _prevent me from_  
 _fathering a child._  
 _SH_

It would make it  
harder though.

_Pun intended?  
SH_

Not really. Why  
don't you want  
children?

_Why should I_  
 _want children?_  
SH 

I don’t know.

_See, there is no_  
 _logical reason to_  
 _want children. Do_  
 _you want children?_  
 _SH_

Yes. Someday.

_Why?  
SH_

Would you think  
less of me if I said  
‘because’?

_So, no other_  
 _reasons besides_  
 _biology and social_  
 _pressure?_  
 _SH_

No.

_That doesn’t make_  
 _me think less of_  
 _you. Your inability_  
 _to verbalise it might,_  
 _though._  
 _SH_

Hush.

-x-

_Nicotine patches_  
 _for Christmas?_  
 _Really?_  
 _SH_

You’re welcome! 

_I’m not thanking you.  
SH_

You should. You’ll  
live longer.

_If I thank you?  
SH_

Yes. And if you  
don't smoke.

_I don’t know which_  
 _sounds less_  
 _appealing._  
 _SH_

-x-

_I can fit four_  
 _patches on_  
 _my forearm._  
 _SH_

That can’t be  
healthy.

_84 mg of nicotine_  
 _won't kill me._  
 _SH_

It might! Take  
them off!

_No. The clarity_  
 _is amazing._  
 _SH_

Are you high?

_No, but two more_  
 _patches and I_  
 _might get there._  
 _SH_

This was not how  
I meant for the  
patches to be used.

_Why haven’t I_  
 _done this earlier?_  
 _It’s much more_  
 _efficient._  
 _SH_

Remove the  
patches!

_You’d rather have_  
 _me smoking?_  
 _SH_

No!

_Make up your mind.  
SH_

Stop. Using. Nicotine.

_I need it for_  
 _my work._  
 _SH_

You really don’t.

_I really do.  
SH_

-x-

Have you ever  
smoked anything  
other than cigarettes?

_No.  
SH_

If I promise not to  
tell your brother,  
would that change  
your answer?

_Yes.  
SH_

What have you  
smoked?

_I honestly can’t say.  
SH_

That’s rather  
disturbing.

_It’s not like it’s_  
 _cocaine._  
 _SH_

You say that far  
too casually.

_Those cigarettes_  
 _are looking pretty_  
 _good now, aren’t_  
 _they?_  
 _SH_

Yes, but stop that too.

_I don’t smoke_  
 _any more._  
 _SH_

Really?

_Really. I just_  
 _use the patches._  
 _Far more efficient._  
 _SH_

Sherlock…. 

-x-

_It was a mistake_  
 _to move in with_  
 _a doctor._  
 _SH_

Does he obstruct  
your self-abusing  
lifestyle? 

_Yes.  
SH_

Good for him!

_But not for me.  
SH_

Yes, it’s good for  
you too.

_I need the nicotine_  
 _so I can think._  
 _SH_

No you don’t.

_If I put patches_  
 _under my shirt,_  
 _he won’t see them._  
 _SH_

I’ll tell on you.

_Then I’ll just_  
 _have to put them_  
 _where he won’t_  
 _dare to look._  
 _SH_

Just stop with  
the damn patches!

-x-

_Hypocrite.  
SH_

What?

_You smoke.  
SH_

I do not.

_Don’t lie to me._  
 _I have pictures._  
 _SH_

What pictures?

_December, 2007,_  
 _Lisbon. Does that ring_  
 _a bell?_  
 _SH_

The treaty signing?  
I did not smoke  
during the treaty  
signing.

_But during the_  
 _party afterwards..._  
 _SH_

Oh. How did you  
get those pictures?

_Case.  
SH_

Of course. I don’t  
smoke. At least  
not when I’m sober.

 _As I said: hypocrite.  
SH_

No, it’s not the  
same. I don’t  
smoke. I haven’t  
smoked since 2009.

_Right.  
SH_

-x-

_John’s unreasonable!  
SH_

Why this time?

_He could be_  
 _the poster boy_  
 _for Smoking Kills._  
 _SH_

That’s one of my  
best propaganda  
campaigns. It’s  
almost as if it’s  
true.

_I’m surrounded_  
 _by health nuts!_  
 _SH_

Poor thing.

_I’m a grown man!_  
 _I’ll smoke if I_  
 _want to._  
 _SH_

It’s my party and  
I'll cry if I want to,  
cry if I want to, cry  
if I want to.

_What are you_  
 _talking about?_  
 _SH_

I’m singing.

_The melody got_  
 _lost on the way._  
 _SH_

Hush. I thought  
you’d stopped  
smoking and were  
using those  
horrible patches.

_I hadn’t had a_  
 _cigarette in eight_  
 _months when_  
 _Mycroft gave me_  
 _one._  
 _SH_

Yes, blame your  
brother, that’s  
constructive  
as usual.

_I’m not blaming_  
 _him. I like smoking._  
 _If anything, you_  
 _and John should_  
 _blame him and I_  
 _should thank him._  
 _SH_

Idiot.

-x-

_Have you been_  
 _talking to John?_  
 _SH_

The sexy army  
doctor who isn’t  
your boyfriend? 

_Do you really_  
 _think he’s attractive?_  
 _SH_

Not in the obvious  
in-your-face kind of  
way, but you need  
to understand what  
the combination of  
uniform and doctor  
does.

_I’m starting to realise_  
 _that there is some_  
 _significance to that._  
 _SH_

Finally! 

_Have you talked_  
 _to him?_  
 _SH_

Yes. We conspire  
to remove nicotine  
from your life.

_Aren’t conspiracies_  
 _supposed to be secrets_  
 _SH_

You’re you, and he  
might be England’s  
worst liar. I’m not  
telling you anything  
you don’t already know.

_True, you’re still_  
 _going to fail._  
 _SH_

See it as an  
experiment!

_Dull.  
SH_

A challenge?

_Still dull. I can_  
 _stop whenever_  
 _I want to._  
 _SH_

I bet you can't.

_Prepare to lose.  
SH_


	12. The Hounds of Baskerville

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _The Hounds of Baskerville_ told in texts, starting two days after the Stop Smoking Bet from vol. XI.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was done with the help of arianedevere’s [transcript](http://arianedevere.livejournal.com/28352.html) of the episode and, as always, the amazing zedille.

* * *

Have I won our  
bet yet?

_You’re not going  
to win anything.  
SH_

So staying away  
from cigarettes  
is going well?

_It’s going great.  
SH_

Are you sure?

_My self-control  
is infallible.  
SH_

So I’ll just ignore the  
text offering to trade  
me John for a pack  
of cigarettes, shall I?

_Please do that.  
SH_

-x-

CCTV is picking  
up something  
disturbing. 

_I told you to remove  
the camera from  
Mycroft’s bedroom.  
SH_

No, you didn’t  
tell me that.

_For your own  
sanity, you should.  
SH_

Are you kidding me?  
It’s the best free  
porn I’ve ever seen.

_As if riding the Tube  
wasn't nauseating  
enough....  
SH_

That’s the disturbing  
thing. What are you  
doing on the Tube  
covered in blood?

_None of the cabs  
would take me.  
SH_

Because of the  
blood or because  
of the harpoon?

_They didn’t specify.  
SH_

Imagine that.

_People are too  
sensitive when  
it comes to blood.  
SH_

How did you get  
that much on yourself?

_Experiment.  
SH_

Tss. It’s a bit upsetting  
that no one has  
called the police.

_I’ve told you,  
people are  
unobservant  
idiots.  
SH_

See, that’s a  
thing you have  
told me. 

_I think I made  
a child cry by  
looking at it.  
SH_

Don’t call a child  
“it”, Sherlock! 

_Oh, what does  
it matter?  
SH_

Never mind. No  
explanation will  
ever convince you.

_Are you implying  
I’m stubborn?  
SH_

Have you met yourself?

_Yes, I’m delightful.  
SH_

I don’t think you  
know what that  
word means.

_Of course I do.  
SH_

Do you really  
get motion-sick  
on trains?

_No, only on sailboats.  
The Tube is simply  
unpleasant.  
SH_

Is that what put  
an end to your  
dreams of becoming  
a pirate?

_I’m going to kill  
Mycroft. And pirates  
use ships, not boats.  
I would have been  
fine.  
SH_

What made you  
change career paths?

_Besides the  
shortage of job  
opportunities for  
pirates?  
SH_

Yes, besides that.

_Police incompetence.  
SH_

Please elaborate.

_Carl Powers.  
SH_

Hm.

_What?  
SH_

Moriarty has had  
a huge impact on  
your entire life.

_He hasn’t. The  
police would be  
incompetent with  
or without him.  
SH_

Be nice.

_Baker Street  
Station! Finally!  
SH_

Send me a picture  
of John’s face  
when you walk in.

_Find something else  
to distract you  
from your work.  
SH_

That camera in  
your brother’s  
bedroom?

_You’re a sick  
woman.  
SH_

-x-

_My kingdom for  
a smoke!  
SH_

You don’t have  
a kingdom to  
give away.

_I’ll find one!  
SH_

Is your amazing  
self-control not  
working anymore?

_Shut up!  
SH_

You could always  
give up and let me  
win the bet.

_Never.  
SH_

Good for you.

_I’ve been tricked,  
haven’t I?  
SH_

Yes. It’s for your  
own good.

_Cruel woman.  
SH_

Only because I  
care about you.

-x-

Getting a bit of  
fresh air, are we?

_It’s inevitable,  
I suppose.  
SH_

It’ll do you good.

_The case will do  
me good.  
SH_

The glowing rabbit?

_Where do you  
find the time to  
lurk on my website?  
SH_

It’s part of my job  
description after your  
encounter with Moriarty.

_And John’s blog?  
SH_

That’s for fun.

_It’s not the rabbit.  
SH_

If you find one,  
could you bring  
me one?

_A glow-in-the-  
dark rabbit?  
SH_

Yes.

_I could make you  
a glow-in-the-  
dark rabbit, if  
you’d like one.  
SH_

Really?

_It’ll take some  
time, I’ve only  
ever spliced GFP  
into E. Coli before,  
but this can’t be that  
much harder.  
SH_

You’d make me a  
sci-fi pet? That’s  
so sweet!

_It’s not science  
fiction, it’s very  
real. Though I can  
only make it green.  
SH_

I love green.

_No, you don’t.  
SH_

I can learn to  
love it.

_You seriously  
want me to do it?  
SH_

I’d rather have a  
green rabbit than  
an exploding  
umbrella.

_Don’t be silly,  
everyone wants  
an exploding  
umbrella.  
SH_

-x-

_What’s at Baskerville?  
SH_

I thought you said  
it wasn’t about the  
rabbit?

_It isn’t, but that’s  
interesting. Why is  
the military making  
GFP mutated rabbits?  
SH_

I can honestly say  
I don’t know.

_It seems like a  
complete waste  
of money.  
SH_

It probably is.

_What are they  
doing more than  
second year genetics  
research?  
SH_

Where would the  
fun be if I told you?  
It isn’t like you  
to take shortcuts.

_You’re right. I’m  
getting lazy.  
SH_

Good thing I look  
out for you, then.

-x-

Are you deliberately  
trying to make me  
look stupid?

_Probably not.  
SH_

I had to inform  
your brother about a  
security breach  
at Baskerville. 

_23 minutes, you're  
getting slow.  
SH_

Then I had to tell  
him that the card  
used to get in was  
his card. That I  
was supposed  
to have blocked.

_I’m glad you didn’t.  
SH_

Then I had the  
pleasure of telling  
him that I knew who  
caused the breach,  
and that I hadn’t told  
him you were in  
Dartmoor asking  
questions about  
Baskerville.

_Are you fired yet?  
SH_

Oh, piss off!

_I solved the  
Bluebell case.  
SH_

Hallelujah!

_If I describe how  
John pulled rank  
to get us in, will you  
forgive me?  
SH_

No.

_He saluted.  
SH_

_And he liked it.  
SH_

You’re a terrible  
storyteller. 

_I’m a wonderful  
storyteller. He  
flashed his  
credentials.  
SH_

Stop! You’re ruining  
it! I want to leave this  
to my imagination.

_Have I found  
your Achilles heel?  
SH_

You’re very slow,  
sometimes.

_What do you mean?  
SH_

Never mind. Did  
you like his  
pulling rank?

_It came in handy.  
SH_

I know something  
else that comes  
in a hand.

 _I’m ignoring what  
you’re implying.  
SH_

Whatever works  
for you.

-x-

_I think you’d  
like Henry.  
SH_

Not Henry Knight?

_You know who he is?  
SH_

I tend to know  
the nuts who like  
drawing attention  
to government  
secrets.

Like you, my dear  
Sherlock.

_I’m a genius.  
Not a nut.  
SH_

If you say so.

_We’re going  
out to the moor  
tonight to see  
if anything attacks  
Henry.  
SH_

I stand corrected,  
you’re not a nut at all….

-x-

Did you get attacked?

You haven’t been  
eaten, have you?

Sherlock, I’m getting  
worried over here.

-x-

_I upset John.  
SH_

What did you do?

_I don’t really know.  
SH_

Where is he now?

_On a blind date with  
Henry’s therapist.  
SH_

Why?

_I told him.  
SH_

Look at you, being  
a matchmaker. Is  
that why he’s upset?

_No.  
SH_

What happened  
tonight, Sherlock?

_I don’t know.  
SH_

Are you all right?

_There’s nothing  
wrong with me.  
SH_

Talk to me.

_I’m afraid.  
SH_

John will forgive  
you. Don’t worry.

_It’s not that.  
SH_

_But are you sure?  
SH_

Yes. And what are  
you afraid of, if not  
that?

_I’m going mad. I  
saw Henry’s hound.  
SH_

It exists?

_That’s the thing,  
isn't it? It can’t exist,  
but I saw it.  
SH_

Is withdrawal  
causing you to  
hallucinate?

_It’s nicotine. Not  
cocaine.  
SH_

Do you have a  
better idea of  
why you saw  
something you  
couldn’t have seen?

_No, but I’ll figure it  
out.  
SH_

We can put the bet  
on hold, if you’d like.

_I’ve already lost it.  
SH_

Before tonight?

_No.  
SH_

Then it doesn’t count.

_I did see something.  
SH_

I believe you.

_I just need a what,  
a how, and a why.  
SH_

Only that?

_You’re really not  
helping right now.  
SH_

I’m sorry.

John won't leave.

-x-

_The sugar!  
SH_

Yes?

-x-

_Were you planning  
on telling me you  
have Moriarty in  
custody?  
SH_

No. I wasn’t.

_Why?  
SH_

For the same reason  
I didn't tell you  
about Bond Air.

_Queen and country?  
SH_

Queen and country.  
Your brother told  
you when you called?

_Oddly enough, yes.  
SH_

What did you bribe  
him with to get  
access to Baskerville?

_Oh, a little of this, a  
little of that.  
SH_

Fine, be mysterious  
if it pleases you.  
What are you  
planning to do?

_A laboratory  
experiment.  
SH_

I’m sure there are  
labs that don’t require  
putting yourself  
in your brother’s  
debt.

_Not close enough  
to Dartmoor, and  
time is of the essence.  
SH_

Why?

_I drugged John.  
SH_

What?!

_The sugar. That’s  
the only explanation.  
SH_

You drugged John?

_He’ll be fine. He’s  
in the lab, I’m controlling  
the environment.  
SH_

You drugged John!

_Did you know  
Lestrade’s first  
name is Greg?  
SH_

And he changes the  
subject…. Yes, I knew  
that. You didn’t?

_No.  
SH_

That’s ignorant,  
even for you.

_Was it you or  
Mycroft who sent  
him here?  
SH_

Call it a  
collaboration.

_What’s his  
relationship  
with my brother?  
SH_

Are you afraid he’ll  
break his heart?

_I’m more  
worried about  
Lestrade’s heart.  
SH_

Would it bother  
you if they were in  
a relationship?

_You know it would,  
but if Mycroft finds  
someone who can  
stand him, I suppose  
it wouldn’t be the  
end of the world.  
SH_

That’s so sweet! I think.

_It looks like I need  
to call John. He’s  
locked himself in  
a cage.  
SH_

What!?

Don’t think for  
a second we’re  
done with this  
topic!

Either of them!

-x-

How’s John?

_He’ll be fine.  
SH_

-x-

_It was fantastic!  
SH_

Sherlock, it’s 4 a.m.

_I can’t sleep.  
Too exited!  
SH_

I don’t care.

_It wasn’t the  
sugar. It was the  
fog! The fog!  
SH_

I’m turning off my  
phone now.

-x-

_You’d forgive me  
if I drugged you,  
right?  
SH_

I forgave you for  
the decaf, didn’t I?

_True.  
SH_

I don’t think  
John’s that upset.

_I don’t think he’ll  
ever let me bring  
him tea or coffee  
again.  
SH_

You’re hoping for  
that, aren’t you?

_It really wouldn’t  
be the worst thing  
in the world.  
SH_

-x-

You got me a  
glow-in-the-dark  
rabbit!

_I said I would.  
SH_

I thought it was  
one of those  
exploding umbrella  
things.

_You don’t want it?  
SH_

Of course I do!  
Did you really  
make it?

_No, I stole it.  
SH_

Thank you. I’m  
going to name it  
Sherrinford.

_Why on earth  
would you do that?  
SH_

Why on earth not?

_That answer is not  
sufficient.  
SH_

It’s the answer  
you're getting.

_Have I ever  
told you that  
you’re an odd  
woman?  
SH_

All the time,  
Sherlock. All  
the time.


	13. The Reichenbach Fall

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Reichenbach Fall told in Sherlock’s and not!Anthea’s texts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This took a while. Sorry about that. TRF is still a difficult topic for me, apparently. It wouldn’t have been done without the [timeline](http://mad-maudlin.livejournal.com/1030139.html) suggested by mad_maudlin, the [transcript](http://arianedevere.livejournal.com/30648.html) done by Ariane DeVere and the brutal beta-work by zedille. Thank you!

Tell John I love him!

And Lestrade!  
Tell Lestrade I  
love him too.

_Why this sudden  
outburst of  
emotion towards  
the men you’ve  
appointed the  
Holmes boyfriends?  
SH_

Lestrade for buying  
the deerstalker,  
and John for  
sending me pictures!

_This is a conspiracy.  
SH_

Yes.

-x-

The Boffin and the  
Bachelor!

_Shut up.  
SH_

You sound like  
cartoon characters.

_I hate the free  
press.  
SH_

Oh, hush. It’s one  
of the foundations  
of democracy,  
you know.

_As my brother runs  
the government,  
I have lost a great  
deal of respect for  
democracy in this  
country.  
SH_

Details, details.

-x-

You should get over to  
Her Majesty's Royal  
Palace and Fortress.

_You’re the only  
person I know who  
actually calls it that.  
SH_

Someone has to.

_Is it Moriarty?  
SH_

How did you know?

_He texted me.  
SH_

The two of you…  
Anyway, you should  
see the footage.

_Why so generous  
with information  
all of a sudden?  
SH_

You’ll understand  
when you see the  
footage.

_It’s impossible to  
get a straight answer  
out of you.  
SH_

It’s a habit I’ve picked  
up after years of playing  
with politicians.

_They are clearly a  
bad influence.  
SH_

Not all of us can  
spend our time with  
hot army doctors.

-x-

_Lestrade showed  
me the footage  
from the White Tower.  
It was quite a show.  
SH_

Sherlock!

_You have to admit that  
it was incredible.  
SH_

Only if you admit that  
it was disturbing, too.

_It’s disturbing that  
the security systems  
were that flawed, yes.  
SH_

That’s not what I  
meant, but fine.  
It was quite a show.

_Do you have any information  
about Pentonville or  
the Bank of England?  
SH_

No more than what  
you got from Lestrade.

_Would you tell  
me if you knew  
anything more?  
SH_

That would depend  
on what it was.

_Your professionalism  
is really dull at times.  
SH_

That’s not what  
your brother says.

_What’s going to  
happen now?  
SH_

He’s going to trial.  
Given his little stunt  
with your name,  
I’d guess you’ll  
have to testify.

_Is that your way of  
saying that I should  
stay out of the way  
and let justice take  
its course?  
SH_

Yes.

_If that were a  
valid option, I’d  
be out of a job.  
SH_

Hush. 

-x-

What do you think? 

_About?  
SH_

Moriarty.

_The whole situation  
is odd.  
SH_

In a good or a bad way?

_It’s just odd. Why did  
he want to get  
caught? There’s no  
way a jury won’t  
find him guilty.  
SH_

I hope so.

_I have to figure  
this out.  
SH_

-x-

_“Amateur detective”?  
You need to do  
something about  
the press!  
SH_

Well, technically…

_No, not “technically”.  
Technically, an amateur  
doesn't get paid. I get  
paid. This is my profession.  
I’m a professional.  
SH_

I’ll have them lynched.

_For some reason, I don’t  
believe you.  
SH_

Good boy.

-x-

Behave today.

_Not you too. I’m  
a grown man, I  
know how to behave.  
SH_

No, you don’t.

-x-

#### Is there any possibility  
of receiving a tax  
deduction for  
bailing out the  
government’s  
brother?

I’ll make sure  
to reimburse  
you, Dr Watson.

#### Thank you.

-x-

Why aren’t you  
at the Old Bailey?

_It’s a waste of time.  
SH_

Have you figured  
it out?

_It depends.  
SH_

On what?

_If he’s found  
guilty or not.  
SH_

-x-

So, a nice cup of tea,  
was it?

_You’re watching our flat  
again, I hear.  
SH_

We never really  
stopped.

_You just chose to  
look away when the  
CIA attacked Mrs  
Hudson?  
SH_

You’re never going  
to let me forget  
that, are you?

_Not in a long, long  
time. And the tea  
was fine, thank you.  
SH_

Most people wouldn't  
invite a criminal  
mastermind in for tea.

_I’m not most people.  
SH_

Even so.

_I didn’t invite him.  
I just knew he would  
come.  
SH_

How and why?

_He’s not most people,  
either. He thinks we’re  
the same.  
SH_

You’re not.

_I know.  
SH_

Don’t forget it.

-x-

_It’s me Moriarty wants.  
SH_

**Pride goeth before  
destruction, Sherlock.  
MH**

_Mine or yours?  
SH_

**Both, I think.  
MH**

_That’s distressing.  
SH_

**Yes.  
MH**

_Pretend I’m not  
your brother, if  
you have to.  
SH_

**No.  
MH**

_Caring is not an  
advantage, Mycroft.  
You taught me that.  
SH_

-x-

John says hello.

_Have you finally  
asked him out on  
a date?  
SH_

No, I’d never take  
your boyfriend.  
This is pure business.

_Don’t you ever get  
tired of implying that  
John is my boyfriend?  
SH_

Perhaps one day,  
but not yet. You  
should have seen  
the look on his  
face when the ATM  
talked to him.

_Where are you  
taking him?  
SH_

The Diogenes Club.

_Of course.  
SH_

You really should  
talk to him about  
his habit of getting  
into cars with strangers.

_You’re hardly a  
stranger.  
SH_

But he didn’t exactly  
hesitate when following  
Ms Adler’s assistant,  
did he?

_Don’t be jealous.  
It’s the shoes.  
SH_

What?

_He likes women  
in heels.  
SH_

I would never have  
taken him for a  
legs-and-arse man.

_From what I’ve  
seen, your legs and  
arse are both fine.  
You still have a chance  
with him.  
SH_

Sherlock Holmes,  
have you been  
looking at my bum? 

_I observe everything.  
That’s what I do.  
SH_

Don’t even try to  
brush this off as  
a deduction.

_I’m not trying to  
brush anything off.  
I’m just stating facts.  
SH_

And the facts are  
that you’ve checked  
out my arse.

_Don’t be absurd.  
SH_

Another fact: I  
don’t mind.

_Just bring John  
home when you’re  
done with him.  
SH_

Ah, the implications.

_Grow up.  
SH_

-x-

A little bird told  
me that the American  
ambassador has asked  
for your assistance.

_That is correct.  
SH_

Please behave. It’s  
a delicate situation.

_With the United  
States? Since when  
have our relations  
been “delicate”?  
SH_

Since the 18th century.

_Are you trying to  
be funny?  
SH_

I’m trying to tell  
you that I can’t  
tell you the real  
reason.

_I’ll find the children.  
It doesn’t matter how  
I do it.  
SH_

You might be right.

-x-

_Does your “delicate  
situation” in any way  
involve Moriarty?  
SH_

No. Do you think  
he's behind the  
kidnapping?

_He has to be.  
SH_

Are you sure?

_Mostly.  
SH_

Please, be careful.

-x-

_Mycroft used me  
as a decoy, didn’t he?  
SH_

Yes, we did.

_No, you didn’t. He did.  
Don’t protect him, he  
doesn’t deserve it.  
SH_

I agree, he doesn’t.  
But it’s my job, so I  
do it anyway.

_You know what I  
think about your  
job, but don’t be  
angry with Mycroft.  
It had to be done.  
SH_

You knew about this?

_We talked about it  
when I called from  
Dartmoor. It didn’t  
sound like something  
he wanted to do, though.  
SH_

Imagine that.

_He becomes  
sentimental at the  
worst possible  
times.  
SH_

He loves you.

_That’s very impractical  
for someone in  
his position.  
SH_

Don’t say that.

_It’s true. Tell him  
I think it’s good he  
did this.  
SH_

Tell him yourself.

_I will, but you might  
need to remind him of it  
before this is over.  
SH_

You’re scaring me.

_I’m sorry.  
SH_

Be careful.

-x-

A warrant has been  
issued for your arrest. 

_I suspected as much.  
The camera on the  
bookshelf isn’t by  
any chance yours, is it?  
SH_

No.

_He’s starting to  
doubt me.  
SH_

Who?

_John.  
SH_

No, he isn’t.

_Yes, he is.  
SH_

No.

_Are you sure?  
SH_

Yes.

-x-

#### How could you  
let Mycroft tell  
Moriarty those  
all those things?

Have you tried  
changing the  
mind of a Holmes?

#### Fair point.

I’m very sorry, Dr  
Watson. I didn’t  
want this.

#### I’ll take your word for it.

-x-

John went to talk  
to your brother.

_What did he  
tell him?  
SH_

I don’t know, but  
I’ll make Kitty Riley’s  
life a living hell.

_I won’t discourage that.  
SH_

I can pull the article  
too, if you’d like.

_What about the  
free press and  
the foundations  
of democracy?  
SH_

Who said this was  
a democracy?

_As much as I like  
this side of you,  
don’t do anything  
yet. Moriarty has  
to believe everything  
is going as planned.  
SH_

Is it?

_No, not for either  
of us, but it’ll be  
fine as long  
as he believes it.  
SH_

Are you sure?

_No.  
SH_

Where are you now?

_In a lab at Bart’s.  
SH_

Is there anything I  
can help with?

_Could you get John  
to leave before  
Moriarty gets here?  
SH_

You won’t need him  
for this?

_I need him to be safe.  
SH_

Have you told him that?

_No, because he would  
refuse to leave.  
SH_

Are you sure Moriarty  
will come?

_Yes. He thinks  
he owes me a fall.  
SH_

What does that mean?

_The same thing he meant  
when he said he’d  
burn the heart out of  
me, I suppose.  
SH_

So he’s being  
ambiguous and  
creepy?

_Yes. Can you make  
sure John isn’t here?  
SH_

Yes.

_Thank you.  
SH_

Do you know what  
you're going to do?

_I’m going to win,  
no matter the cost.  
SH_

Could you be more  
precise? 

_No, it’s more amusing  
to be mysterious  
and cryptic and not  
explain things. You  
should know that.  
SH_

This isn’t funny, Sherlock.

_Talk to Mycroft.  
He knows.  
SH_

The two of you  
working together  
is the most terrifying  
thing I’ve ever  
seen. 

_I thought you’d  
watched the  
surveillance footage  
from Mycroft’s  
bedroom.  
SH_

Sherlock, be serious.  
This is not the time.

_But you still smiled.  
SH_

Please, be careful.

_Just make sure  
John leaves.  
SH_

I will, but I don’t  
like this.

_I’m not thrilled  
about it either.  
SH_

That’s actually  
comforting to  
hear.

-x-

_I think we’re upsetting  
Madeleine.  
SH_

**I know we are.  
MH**

-x-

_Was it you who  
called John about  
Mrs Hudson?  
SH_

Yes, I thought  
it would make him  
leave right away.

_It did. She’s not  
actually shot, is she?  
SH_

Of course not.

_Good. Thank you.  
SH_

I’ll be watching the  
security cameras.

_You’re not going  
to wish me luck?  
SH_

You don’t need  
luck, remember?

_Perhaps I do this time.  
SH_

No. Sherlock Holmes  
doesn’t need luck. 

_Are you sure?  
SH_

Yes, I am. Because  
I believe in you.


	14. The Afterfall

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The last 30 min (or so) of TRF told by text.

* * *

If there’s anything  
I can do, Dr Watson,  
just let me know.

#### Thank you.

-x-

Do you need help  
with the funeral  
arrangements?

#### No, thank you.

I miss him too.

#### I know. I’m sorry.

#### How are you?

I get by.

#### And Mycroft?

I don’t know, he’s  
Mr Holmes.

-x-

#### The funeral is  
on Friday at eleven.

Thank you.

#### He would have  
wanted you there.

He would have thought  
of it as a sentimental  
waste of time

#### Yes, he would have.

I’ll be there.

####  Could you tell Mycroft  
for me?

Of course.

#### Thank you. 

#### I can’t stand the thought of  
him right now. I think I  
might actually hate him.

I don’t think he minds.

#### How can you still  
work for him?

Sherlock used to ask  
me that all the time.

#### What did you say?

Something inappropriate,  
most of the time.

#### I never really  
understood your  
relationship.

Neither did I, Dr  
Watson.

-x-

John invited me  
to your funeral.

_If this is a joke,_  
 _it's cruel, and not_  
 _at all funny.  
SH_

Of course it’s not  
a joke. John asked  
me to attend.

_Will you?  
SH_

Would you like me to?

_If I really were dead,_  
 _would you have gone?  
SH_

Yes.

_There you are, then.  
SH_

-x-

Molly sends her love.

 _She was there, too?  
SH_

You’d be surprised  
by how many people  
showed up.

_I wish I could have_  
 _been there.  
SH_

You were, in a way.

_Amusing.  
SH_

I’m not trying to  
be funny.

_Did you talk to John?  
SH_

No, not really.

_How is he?  
SH_

Devastated, but he puts  
up a brave face. Where  
are you now?

_At Mycroft’s.  
SH_

Would you like me  
to come over?

_Yes.  
SH_

-x-

You should leave.

_I will.  
SH_

I’m serious. You’re  
not supposed to  
be there.

What if he sees you?

_Do you think I’ll ever_  
 _return?  
SH_

I think you’re about  
to miss your flight.  
Come back to the car.

_I’m coming.  
SH_

-x-

How was the flight?

_Uneventful.  
SH_

Boring?

_You have no idea.  
SH_

What are you going  
to do now?

_Didn’t you say it’s_  
 _better if I don’t_  
 _tell you?  
SH_

Yes. Sometimes I  
hate being right.

_Good thing it_  
 _doesn't happen_  
 _that often, then.  
SH_

Oh, just…. Hush.

_I’ll keep in touch.  
SH_

_I promise.  
SH_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm keeping my original notes, even though they are rather irrelevant now. If you want to go straight on to the canon timeline you'll find chapter 19 [here.](http://archiveofourown.org/works/338105/chapters/2346495)
> 
> -x-
> 
> With that, I’ve marked this work as finished, because it was the last planned text between Sherlock and not!Anthea until I find out what happened after the end of TRF.
> 
> There will be a prequel (posted separately) and if anyone has ideas for a theme – e.g. Bored, Smokin’, etc. – to keep it all going during the long wait for series 3 I will gladly take suggestions :)
> 
> I want to thank all of you who have read, commented or left kudos on this series. I’ve had so much fun writing it and without the encouragement it would probably not have been more than a couple of chapters. A special thanks to the wonderful (though exclamation mark-stealing!) zedille for betaing this entire thing from start to finish.
> 
> To quote Sherlock: I’ll keep in touch.


	15. Music

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Without the song, or dance, what are we?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I couldn’t stay away from this, I just….
> 
> This instalment spans from sometime around ASiP to sometime after TRF. It’s dedicated to (and betaed by) zedille.
> 
> And as always, I apologise to the princes.

Your brother is acting  
very strangely today.

_That one is too easy.  
I won’t take the bait.  
SH_

He’s humming.

_Are you by any chance  
going to Thailand in the  
near future?  
SH_

If you got that from your  
brother's humming, then  
I must say I’m impressed.

_It’s actually one of the  
easier deductions I’ve  
made this year.  
SH_

How did you know?

_You almost sound like John.  
SH_

I hope that wasn’t an insult.

_I was under the impression  
you liked the ex-army doctor.  
SH_

I really do.

_Then I can’t see how  
comparing you with him  
would be an insult.  
SH_

I got the feeling you were  
calling me stupid.

_Maybe a little.  
SH_

Are you going to tell  
me how you knew  
about the Bangkok  
trip, or do I have to  
bribe you?

_A bribe sounds good.  
SH_

Haha.

_It was your idea.  
SH_

Consider it more like a threat.

_If I name the song, will you_   
_get me a new table centrifuge?  
SH_

How can you be so sure  
you know what song it is?

_I knew you were going  
to Thailand when you  
said he was humming. Do  
you really think I don’t  
know what song it is?  
SH_

No.

_Exactly. This is the only  
song he ever sings.  
SH_

He sings too?

_Occasionally.  
SH_

Oh my goodness!

_I know, it’s horrible.  
SH_

Tell me!

_No, I think you should  
guess. You’re fond of that.  
SH_

So I should guess, even  
though you never do?

_Yes. Guessing is for  
weaker minds.  
SH_

I do have a higher IQ  
than you.

_I still highly doubt that. And  
it's not relevant, anyway.  
SH_

Believe what you want,  
as long as you tell me  
what song it is.

_One Night in Bangkok.  
It’s from Chess, his  
favourite musical.  
SH_

That’s the sweetest thing  
I’ve ever heard.

_That he has a favourite  
musical? That’s not sweet.  
It’s sad.  
SH_

The fact that you KNOW what his  
favourite musical is.

_It’s one of the great  
tragedies of my life.  
SH_

You two are adorable.

_Let’s never talk about  
this ever again.  
SH_

HA! In your dreams.

-x-

_How was Bangkok?  
SH_

What can I say? The  
world was my oyster.  
The bars were temples,  
but the pearls weren’t  
free.

_What?  
SH_

One Night in Bangkok.

I may never get that song  
out of my head.

_Oh, so you’ve heard him  
sing now. My condolences.  
SH_

Hush. He has quite the  
singing voice.

_Yes, it’s astonishing how  
someone with such poor  
music taste can be as  
musical as Mycroft is.  
SH_

The song is catchy.

_So is chlamydia.  
SH_

Be. Nice.

-x-

_Is Linda Lampenius  
performing at Buckingham  
Palace this weekend?  
SH_

No, Windsor Castle.

_I need to be there.  
SH_

Why?

_To waltz with Prince  
William. What do you  
think? I want to hear  
her play.  
SH_

I’m sorry, it’s family  
and friends only. So  
if you can’t get Prince  
Harry to propose to  
you….

_Please.  
SH_

Wow, I didn’t know  
you knew that word.

_Did it work?  
SH_

No. We’re not allowing  
you near any royals.

_I don’t want me near  
them anymore than you  
do, I just want to hear  
Linda Lampenius play.  
SH_

You’re not going to  
Windsor, Sherlock. But  
she’s performing at  
Number 10 on Thursday,  
and I can get you into  
that concert.

_Why didn’t you say  
that right away?  
SH_

It’s fun to hear you beg  
and use words like “please”.

_You’re evil.  
SH_

Yes. Do you have a  
dinner jacket?

_Of course I do.  
SH_

Good. Be ready at 18:30  
on Thursday. A car will  
pick you up outside your  
flat. 

_Thank you.  
SH_

Don’t let me regret  
this, Sherlock.

-x-

You didn’t cause any  
huge political scandals,  
did you?

_As if you and Mycroft  
didn’t watch me the  
entire time.  
SH_

Yes, we did. You’re so  
sweet when you listen  
to classical music.

_There’s an adjective  
I’ve always associated  
with myself.  
SH_

How was it?

_Fantastic.  
SH_

_Thank you.  
SH_

-x-

I need your help  
arranging a birthday  
present for your  
brother.

_I’m sorry, your text  
has no value to the  
recipient and has  
self-deleted. This is  
an automatic text.  
Please don’t respond  
if you don’t have  
anything interesting  
to say._

You didn’t even sign it.  
I’m impressed.

_What do you want?  
SH_

Didn’t you help someone  
at the Swedish embassy  
last spring?

_It was a very boring case.  
The letter opener was  
a butter knife, and it  
didn’t open.  
SH_

I have no idea what  
you’re talking about.

_Neither did they. I can’t  
believe they’re the  
ones picking the Nobel  
laureates.  
SH_

Yeah, anyway… Do you  
think you could ask them  
for a favour?

_I thought you had the  
Prince’s phone number  
already.  
SH_

I do. I need some  
translations done.

_Don’t you have an army  
of translators at your  
command?  
SH_

Yes, but I can’t very well  
give them Chess songs in  
Swedish to translate.

_Why are there Swedish  
Chess songs?  
SH_

_No, don’t tell me! I don’t  
care.  
SH_

Can you help me?

_I’m not wasting a favour  
so that Mycroft can get  
song lyrics translated.  
SH_

Please.

_No. I’m not going to  
encourage his terrible  
taste in music and  
culture.  
SH_

First, don’t be such a  
snob. And second, you’re  
cute when you think  
you have that type of  
influence over your  
brother.

_If I do this, you’re going  
to be the one owing me  
a favour.  
SH_

If you do this for me, I  
won't tell your mother  
you still smoke.

_When did it go from  
begging to threatening?  
SH_

When you were being  
a prick.

_I don’t care if my mother  
knows that I smoke.  
SH_

So you won’t care if she  
knows who broke your  
great-aunt’s vase, either?

_You evil woman.  
SH_

You’ll do it?

_Yes.  
SH_

You’re the best.

_I forbid you to ever  
speak to me again.  
SH_

-x-

I love my job.

_Has someone hit you  
over the head?  
SH_

I think so, actually. I just  
met my childhood heroes.

_How’s the Iron Lady  
doing these days?  
SH_

That’s Baroness Thatcher to  
you. And I said “heroes”, plural.

_You’re not making me guess.  
SH_

I got to meet three-fifths of  
the Spice Girls.

_They’re your heroes? Now  
I really wish it had been  
Thatcher.  
SH_

Come on, I was a kid  
during the 90’s.

_So was I, and you  
don't see me fall all  
over myself at the  
mention of a pop group.  
SH_

No, you did that when  
that Finnish violinist came  
to visit.

_At least she’s good.  
SH_

Hush!

-x-

_Tell him I want my  
violin back.  
SH_

Yes, because being your  
referee is one of my  
many important duties.

_Tell him I want it back  
right now, or I won’t be  
responsible for the  
consequences.  
SH_

Don’t mess with me, Sherlock.  
I have sixty-four things to  
supervise today.

_Tell him!  
SH_

He says you’ll get it  
back when you return  
his Chess Original  
Concept Album record.

Unscratched.

_Tell him that he’s in no  
position to make  
demands.  
SH_

He says a string just  
snapped.

_I’m going to use the album  
cover to play Tic-tac-toe with  
John!  
SH_

_And I’ll let John win!  
SH_

If you two don’t leave me  
out of this and settle it  
within two minutes, I’m  
calling your mother.

_You wouldn’t!  
SH_

I will. You appointed me  
Arbiter. And I do know best.

_You’re taking his side.  
SH_

I’m on nobody’s side. But I  
have to do something to  
prevent World War Three.

_He started it.  
SH_

I DON’T CARE!

-x-

I think your brother is  
in love with me.

_You’re not really his type.  
SH_

He sent me to meet all  
the Spice Girls today.

_Why?  
SH_

Watch the closing ceremony  
of the Olympics, and you’ll  
find out.

_I will definitely not do  
that.  
SH_

Your loss.

_I’ll survive.  
SH_

Take That might appear  
as well.

_Do you listen to anything  
besides bad pop music?  
SH_

You do know that you’re  
a pretentious snob, right?

_It’s called “having taste.”  
SH_

No, it’s called “being a  
condescending tit”.

_Better that than embarrassing  
the entire country with how bad  
our taste in music is.  
SH_

Take the stick out of your  
arse. The London Symphony  
Orchestra was the first to  
accept the invitation.

_Please don’t ruin them.  
SH_

Sherlock, go spice up  
your life.

-x-

You’ll never guess where  
I am right now. 

_You’re right. Because I  
don't guess.  
SH_

I was under the impression  
you thought playing dead  
was boring.

_It’s not boring enough  
to start playing guessing  
games.  
SH_

Well, you’ll never deduce  
where I am, either.

_Oh, I wouldn’t be too  
sure of that.  
SH_

I’ll bet you tickets to the  
Nobel banquet that you  
won’t get it.

_How many questions do  
I get?  
SH_

Not a single one.

_You’re not playing fair.  
SH_

When do I ever?

_True. So where are you?  
SH_

Can’t you at least guess  
once?

_Why?  
SH_

Because you love me.

_You’re in Stockholm.  
SH_

What would I do there?

_The Prince?  
SH_

Oh, funny.

_You started this  
ridiculous game.  
SH_

I’m with your brother.

_That’s not a “where”, that’s  
just bad company.  
SH_

I’m at the Union Theatre.

_I’m sorry, my phone must  
have missed some texts. Now  
it looks like you’re at a theatre  
with Mycroft.  
SH_

It’s nice to be asked out  
once in a while.

_Even if the offer is to sit  
next to Mycroft for hours  
and hours listening to  
what I assume will be people  
singing about a board  
game?  
SH_

You surprise me, Sherlock.  
I thought musical plots  
were something you  
deleted.

_I’m sad to say that I  
also know who Mulder  
and Scully are, thanks to  
Mycroft’s strange choices  
in cultural amusement.  
SH_

You’ll never be able to  
convince me that you  
don’t care about your  
brother again.

_You’ll probably die of  
boredom before you  
can use that against me.  
SH_

If I do, will you come back to  
London for my funeral?

_Will there be dancing?  
SH_

Of course.

_Then I won’t be there.  
SH_

But you’re coming back soon?

_I don’t know.  
SH_

Your brother says hi.

_Tell him that I need  
more money.  
SH_

He says that I have to  
turn off my phone if  
I want to have a job  
tomorrow.

_I think you should take this  
opportunity to get  
fired and kicked out of  
the theatre at the same  
time.  
SH_

I don’t have time for that  
particular conversation loop  
right now.

_You know, “Anthem” isn’t  
all bad.  
SH_

I’m showing your  
brother that text.

_Don’t.  
SH_

He says you always  
go for the obvious.

And that I really should  
turn the phone off.

_Won’t that lead to war,  
nuclear meltdowns, and  
natural disasters?  
SH_

I’m sure you can behave  
without my supervision.

_I don’t feel so sympathetic  
about your three upcoming  
hours of torture anymore.  
SH_

Did you ever?

_No. Try to not let your  
head get completely  
filled with cotton.  
SH_

I won’t.

_Good.  
SH_


	16. The Game is On!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Scrabble isn’t the only game Sherlock and not!Anthea play, even if she might wish it was.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The theme for this one was suggested by [a_blackpanther](http://a-blackpanther.livejournal.com/) a long, long time ago. Beta was my faithful sister in arms [zedille](http://zedille.livejournal.com/). 
> 
> (Oh, and don’t try to follow the chess moves, they make close to no sense.)

-x-

_Pawn to E4.  
SH_

Why do you get to  
play white again?

_Because you never start.  
SH_

Fair enough.

Pawn to E5.

_Knight to F3.  
SH_

Isn’t there a chess app  
we could use?

_I’m sure there is, but  
where's the fun in that?  
SH_

It would be easier.

_Yes, and where’s the  
fun in that?  
SH_

I don’t see the point   
of keeping the game   
in our heads.

_You just say that because  
I always win.  
SH_

That’s not true.

_You know it is.  
SH_

Knight to C6.

_Didn’t we play this exact  
game last time?  
SH_

You’re the one who always  
starts with “pawn to E4”.

_That doesn’t mean  
you have to make the  
same mistakes over  
and over again.  
SH_

I think answering your  
texts is the biggest  
mistake I make every day.

_King’s bishop to B5.  
SH_

Where was my knight again?

_Figure it out. We’re not  
using a chess app!  
SH_

-x-

_I think John is trying  
to kill me.  
SH_

It took him long enough.

_He wants to drag me to  
a poker night with   
some of his friends  
from Afghanistan.  
SH_

That’s sweet. He wants to  
show you off to his mates.

_It’s not sweet. He’s trying  
to kill me!  
SH_

Bring me back a soldier.  
Preferably one who looks  
as good as yours.

_John is not, in any way,  
my soldier.  
SH_

He’s your doctor soldier.

_You’re also trying to kill me.  
SH_

At least that would get you  
out of playing poker.

_That’s true.  
SH_

Be nice to John and play  
poker with his friends.

_Dull.  
SH_

Sherlock, do you even  
know how to play poker?

_No, because it’s not  
relevant.  
SH_

If you ask John, I’m sure  
he'll teach you.

You can play strip poker!

_Can’t you create a national  
crisis I could help you with?  
SH_

No.

-x-

Not having to shuffle  
the deck and lay out  
the cards has really  
improved patience.

_It’s still mind-numbingly  
boring, and the element  
of chance is too large for it  
to be truly challenging.  
SH_

At the moment, I like mind-  
numbing.

_I would recommend  
opiates over patience.  
SH_

Don’t do that.

_I’m just saying, they’re  
much more efficient  
than cards.  
SH_

Just not quite as legal.

_They should be.  
SH_

We’re not going to  
legalise opiates.

_No, I mean you should  
make card games illegal.  
SH_

That sounds very prudish,  
for some reason.

_Couldn’t you throw birds at  
pigs instead? I know John  
likes that game.  
SH_

You think that’s better  
than cards?

_Not really, no.  
SH_

Then I’ll just stick to cards.

_Suit yourself.  
SH_

-x-

_Did you know I’ve solved  
cases on every Monopoly   
street except Bow Street?  
SH_

That’s disturbing.

_John thought so too.  
SH_

They weren’t all murders,  
were they?

_No. For example, the  
one on Pentonville Road   
was a spectacular robbery.  
SH_

Lovely.

_The layout is horrible, by  
the way. Have those people   
even been to London?  
SH_

It’s a board game. Not a map.

_It’s still very annoying.  
SH_

I’ll promise to bring it up  
the next time I meet with  
Parliament.

-x-

Queen’s rook to F5.

_Finally. I’d thought you  
had forgotten about the  
game. Bishop takes rook.  
SH_

For the love of….

_Oh, and check.  
SH_

King to D8.

_Isn’t this fun?  
SH_

Hilarious.

-x-

_Cluedo is the most  
ridiculous game in the  
history of the world.  
SH_

Colonel Mustard in the  
library with the rope?

_That makes absolutely  
no sense! Why would a  
colonel use a rope? It’s  
much more likely that   
he’d use a revolver if  
it were premeditated.  
SH_

I was right?

_Of course not. Apparently  
it was Mrs Peacock in the  
kitchen with the candlestick.  
That doesn’t make sense   
either. What was she doing  
in the kitchen? And why   
did she bring the candlestick?  
SH_

_And why did she carry  
Dr Black to the cellar? I  
don't think she’s physically  
capable. She must have  
had an accomplice.   
SH_

_The only one with motive  
was Dr Black. I would have  
offed myself too if I were   
stuck in a house with   
these people.  
SH_

Didn’t anyone explain  
the game to you before  
you started, Sherlock?

_It’s a ridiculous game!  
SH_

Did you lose?

_No, I was the only one  
who managed to present  
a case that would hold  
up in court.  
SH_

By saying the victim did it?

_Yes.  
SH_

Oh, Sherlock.

-x-

Your brother told me  
the Cluedo board is  
nailed to the wall  
with a knife?

_It had it coming.  
SH_

Remind me to never  
play Risk with you.

-x-

How about allowing   
American spellings?

_Why?  
SH_

Just for fun.

_What could possibly  
be fun in playing  
American Scrabble?  
SH_

Cultural exchange.

_And the real reason?  
SH_

I can spell “aluminum”.

_Too bad it’s spelled  
“aluminium”, then.  
SH_

Give me two days, and   
I’ll change that.

_Mycroft would never  
let you desecrate the  
English language like that.  
SH_

Oh, if you only knew half  
the things he makes me  
do to him. And the English  
language.

_Now I’m nauseous.  
SH_

So I can play aluminum?

_No.  
SH_

-x-

_I think Baker Street should  
be a Monopoly street.  
SH_

I think poetry should still  
be in the Olympics.

_If you’re not going to  
take this conversation  
seriously, there’s no point  
in having it.  
SH_

I hardly ever take our  
conversations seriously,  
Sherlock dear.

_Now you have to make  
Baker Street a Monopoly  
street to make it up   
to me.  
SH_

I don’t have ultimate  
power, Sherlock. There  
are things I can’t do.

_Did it hurt to admit that?  
SH_

Yes.

-x-

Playing patience on   
my phone wasn’t  
what I had planed  
for my Friday night.

_What’s wrong?  
SH_

Why would anything  
be wrong?

_Because it’s the second  
time you’ve started a   
conversation about   
patience.  
SH_

Easy deduction?

_Ridiculously so.  
SH_

_And I asked Mycroft.  
SH_

You asked your brother  
why I was playing  
patience?

_I asked him what he had  
done to make you  
feel like you needed   
to numb your brain.  
SH_

You care in such odd ways.

_How’s your mum?  
SH_

They couldn’t say, but they  
needed to take her back  
to surgery.

_Do you want me to  
send over a blond army   
doctor?  
SH_

I always want you to  
send John to me.

_Just return him when  
you're done.  
SH_

You do know how this  
sounds, right?

_I think I will pretend  
I don’t.  
SH_

Thank you, Sherlock.

_I haven’t sent John yet.  
SH_

Not for that. For making   
me smile.

_You’re welcome.  
SH_

-x-

Rook takes knight.

_How?  
SH_

What do you mean “how”?   
Like you normally take   
pieces in chess.

_But my remaining  
knight is on C5, and  
your rooks are on A4  
and F6.  
SH_

Really?

_Yes.  
SH_

I’m sure your knight’s   
on F5, and my rook’s   
on F8.

_No.  
SH_

This is why you always  
win. You cheat.

_I don’t cheat.  
SH_

I don’t trust you.

_It’s mutual.  
SH_

-x-

_Should I take a boring  
case on Bow Street just  
to tick off the last   
Monopoly street?  
SH_

Obviously, yes!

_Then I’ll go back and  
put murders on all  
of them.  
SH_

When you say “put  
murders", you mean   
“solve murders”, right?

_Yes, obviously.  
SH_

So murders are like hotels?

_Except I don’t have  
to solve four houses  
before I can build one.  
SH_

I think the parallel got  
lost somewhere.

_Hm. Yes.  
SH_

Off you go, solve the  
boring case!

-x-

I won’t play patience  
any more.

_I’m sorry.  
SH_

-x-

_I think I’ve figured it out!  
SH_

What?

_Why Mrs Peacock killed  
Dr Black with the candlestick  
in the kitchens and then  
carried him to the stairs.  
SH_

What?

_Cluedo! I’ve figured it out.  
SH_

If that’s what you’re doing  
with your time, I think I  
need to find you a proper  
case to solve.

_What threw me off at  
first was the complete  
lack of relationship between  
the suspects and the   
victim. There was no  
logical reason for him   
to invite any of them.  
SH_

_Then I studied the pieces,  
finding a striking   
resemblance between  
Mrs Peacock and Mrs  
White. They’re obviously  
sisters. Mrs White took  
the position at Dr Black’s  
to infiltrate the house.  
SH_

_Mrs White was probably  
the one helping Mrs   
Peacock move the body.  
Which they obviously did  
to deflect the fact that   
he was killed in the kitchen,  
since it would have led   
them straight to Mrs White.  
SH_

I really need to find you   
a real case.

_The motive and choice of  
weapon were harder, but   
I think I’ve figured them out   
as well.  
SH_

_Dr Black is obviously their  
brother, making the motive  
a dispute about inheritance.  
The brother inherited it all,  
while the sisters didn’t get  
a thing. The candlestick  
was a symbol of the heritance.  
SH_

So the siblings met in the  
kitchen to argue about  
money, and then she hit  
him in the head?

_Yes. Obviously.  
SH_

Why would Mrs Peacock  
and Mrs White need to  
infiltrate the house they  
grew up in if Dr Black   
invited his sisters anyway?

_Hm. I haven’t thought  
about that. I should look  
into it.  
SH_

No. Don’t. I’m sending  
you a real case right now.

_Don’t bother. I need to  
figure this out.  
SH_

Sigh.

-x-

_Queen to C6. Check.  
SH_

_And also mate.  
SH_

Really?

_Yes.  
SH_

Change to Scrabble?

_Fine.  
SH_


	17. Travels

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Up, down, flying around... not!Anthea does a good bit of traveling in her job, sometimes Sherlock does as well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The traveling-theme was suggested by [mosellegreen](http://mosellegreen.livejournal.com/) a long, long time ago. Like all the Hiatus Chapters this take place somewhere between their first introduction and TRF.
> 
> I'm pretty sure you won't notice it, but I've never done as much research for an SMS chapter as I have this one. [zedille](http://zedille.tumblr.com/) has been invaluable as always!

_I need the video from  
the cameras you have  
outside our flat.  
SH_

_It’s for a case.  
SH_

_Don’t deny that you have  
cameras all over Baker  
Street.  
SH_

_Are you ignoring me?  
SH_

_That won’t work. Ask  
Mycroft.  
SH_

_Give me the footage!  
SH_

_Or better yet, give me  
access to the camera feed.  
SH_

_All right, it’s not for a  
case. Yet. But it’ll be  
useful someday.  
SH_

_Just give me the footage!  
SH_

Oh, how happy I am that  
I’ve had my phone turned  
off for the last hour.

_You? Turning off your phone?  
SH_

“All mobile phones should be  
turned off for the duration of  
the flight.” Or whatever it is  
they say. I’ve stopped listening  
and just suffer.

_Where are you?  
SH_

I should have given you enough  
information for you to  
figure that out.

_You’re right. You said “hour”,  
not “hours”, and this is you.  
So, Brussels.  
SH_

Yes.

_How about that footage?  
SH_

No.

_Then I’ll just hack the  
camera.  
SH_

You do that.

-x-

_What name is your  
passport under?  
SH_

Madeleine Somers.

_You use your real name  
on your passport?  
SH_

I’m a government employee.  
Not a secret agent.

_I thought secret agents  
were government employees.  
SH_

True. I’m just not one of them.

_Dull.  
SH_

I know.

_By the way, now I know  
your last name. Tricking that  
out of you was far too easy.  
SH_

Damn it!

-x-

The measures airports  
take to stop terrorists  
might actually turn me  
into one.

_I thought you already  
were a terrorist.  
SH_

When you have a letter  
of marque, the correct  
term is “privateer”.

_No, that’s a government-  
authorised pirate.  
SH_

I forgot that I’m talking to  
an aspiring pirate. We have,  
however, broadened the term  
since those days.

_I’m going to kill Mycroft  
for spreading the pirate  
thing around!  
SH_

You’ve never thought about  
becoming a privateer  
instead of a pirate?

_No, I’ve always preferred  
to be self-employed.  
SH_

Of course.

_By the way, aren’t government-  
authorised terrorists  
secret agents?  
SH_

Not all of them.

_Are you sure?  
SH_

You’re not going to  
make me say I’m a  
secret agent.

_Just a privateer terrorist?  
SH_

Yes.

_But what you’re currently  
planning would strip you of  
your letter of marque?  
SH_

Yes.

_Intriguing.  
SH_

At least it’s a nice thing  
to daydream about  
while I’m waiting  
for boarding.

_Tell me if you need  
any help.  
SH_

I will.

-x-

Why are you going to  
Minsk?

_Tell Mycroft that it’s  
none of his business.  
SH_

Everything is his business.

_Wasn’t that the Stasi’s motto?  
SH_

We’ve learned a lot from  
our frenemies in the East.

_How do you even know  
I’m going to Minsk?  
SH_

He’s tracked your passport  
ever since your extended  
stay in Christiania in 2002.

_Not very efficient for  
tracking someone in  
Europe these days, I  
must say.  
SH_

It works wonders when  
you go to Belarus, though.

_Apparently, yes.  
SH_

Why are you going to  
Minsk?

_It’s still none of his  
business.  
SH_

You know that you make  
my life miserable when  
you act like this, right?

_So I should give up my  
privacy for your  
convenience?  
SH_

It would be appreciated, yes.  
Your brother worries about  
you, and he’ll be insufferable  
until you’re back.

Sherlock, please?

_Tell him that this isn’t  
like 2002 or 1999.  
SH_

He’ll know what that  
means?

_Yes. Then you can tell  
him to stop tracking  
my passport and piss off.  
SH_

I won’t tell my boss to  
piss off.

_As long as the sentiment  
is made clear.  
SH_

I’ll do my best.

-x-

Is 09:21 AM too early to  
start drinking?

_Seeing how it’s 14:21,  
I’d say you’ve already  
started.  
SH_

I’m in New York. Seriously,  
if I ever complain about  
airport security in Europe  
again, tell me to shut up.

_How was the body scan?  
SH_

About as inconvenient  
as you would imagine.

_Surveillance is all fun and  
games until you’re on the  
receiving end of it, isn’t it?  
SH_

Hush.

_Was it a millimetre wave  
scanner or a backscatter  
X-ray?  
SH_

I don’t know.

_Can’t you go back and  
have a look?  
SH_

No.

_Did you at least get to  
keep the scans?  
SH_

What? No!

_Pity.  
SH_

Not really. I need coffee.

_Weren’t you having  
something stronger?  
SH_

Unsurprisingly, it’s “too  
early" to serve alcohol.

_My condolences.  
SH_

I’ll survive. There’s only about  
half an hour until boarding.

_Safe flight.  
SH_

Ha! After the body scan  
I’d be pretty upset if it  
were anything but a safe  
flight.

_Safe is rather boring, though.  
SH_

True, but I was planning  
to sleep the whole way.

_Hence the coffee.  
SH_

Irrelevant. I worked up  
my tolerance years ago.  
This is just to counter  
the headache and  
support my addiction.

_Healthy.  
SH_

What is it now, heroin  
or cocaine?

_Nicotine patches.  
SH_

Right.

_Enjoy your coffee.  
SH_

-x-

My flight got cancelled.

_Why?  
SH_

Bad weather.

_Where are you?  
SH_

Frankfurt.

_Take the train home.  
SH_

Ha! No.

_No, you’re right.  
SH_

Send me treasure hunting!

_What?  
SH_

You tell me something that  
you can find at an airport,  
and then I’ll try to find it  
and send you a picture, and  
then you give me something  
else to find.

_Ha! No.  
SH_

I’m bored, Sherlock.

If anyone, you should  
know how painful that  
is.

_You know what you  
usually say when I’m  
bored?  
SH_

“Be quiet, I’m working”?

_Yes. Luckily for you, I’m  
much kinder than you are.  
SH_

Meaning what?

_That I’ll play Scrabble  
with you.  
SH_

You’re my hero!

Oh, God! My life is so sad.

_Yes, it is. You work for  
Mycroft.  
SH_

Just shut up and play  
Scrabble while I drink  
a G&T on your brother.

_Remember this the next  
time I’m bored.  
SH_

Cheers.

-x-

Can I blame today’s  
screw-up on jetlag?

_Aren’t you in Brussels?  
SH_

Yes.

_Then, no.  
SH_

But it’s a long hour.

_Still no.  
SH_

-x-

_I’m so bored right now  
that I would actually take  
one of Mycroft’s cases.  
SH_

_On second thought, no.  
SH_

_Not unless it was really  
interesting.  
SH_

I’m in Osaka. It’s 4 AM. Shut  
up!

_Work or pleasure?  
SH_

I’m here with your brother.

_I hope that means work.  
SH_

It does. Now shut up.

_Sleep tight.  
SH_

Too late. I’m awake now.

_It’ll be easier to get back  
to sleep if you stop texting.  
SH_

Oh, shut up.

_You’re really cranky at 4 AM.  
SH_

-x-

_There’s nothing to  
do here.  
SH_

Should I send you  
treasure hunting?

_Pfft. No.  
SH_

Suit yourself.

_Why didn’t you book  
me on an earlier flight?  
SH_

Believe it or not, there  
aren’t that many flights  
between Karachi and  
London.

_It’s not a direct flight!  
SH_

No. There aren’t any  
direct flights.

_So I have to suffer through a  
nine-hour layover in  
Dubai?  
SH_

That was the cheapest  
route. We can’t spend  
a fortune on letting  
you save terrorists.

_Are we talking traditional  
terrorists or privateers?  
SH_

Traditional. We would  
never give Ms Adler a  
letter of marque.

_Perhaps you should.  
SH_

Yeah… No.

_Would you give me one?  
SH_

I thought you wanted  
to be self-employed?

_I thought it would come  
in handy since I’m going to  
hijack an aeroplane and  
force them to fly me home!  
SH_

Our letters of marque  
don't cover that sort  
of action.

_That’s ridiculous.  
SH_

Oh, stop complaining!  
Dubai is lovely.

_I wouldn’t know. I’m  
stuck at the airport.  
SH_

_For eight more hours!  
SH_

Go to a café, order a  
coffee (they have  
great coffee at Dubai  
International!) and  
watch the planes  
taking off and landing.

_Is that what you do  
when you’re stuck at  
airports?  
SH_

No, I go to a bar. Then I  
watch the aeroplanes.

And the pilots.

_What an efficient use  
of tax revenue.  
SH_

Be nice, or I won’t play  
Scrabble with you.

_I’ll be nice.  
SH_

Good.

_I’ll start.  
SH_

-x-

_Mycroft is being completely  
unreasonable!  
SH_

I’m sorry. Ms Somers is on  
holiday and does not wish  
to deal with the Holmes  
brothers for two wonderful  
weeks. This has been an  
automatic message. Please  
do not reply to it.

_Since when do you go on  
holiday?  
SH_

Since I stopped having  
breaks from school.

_Where are you?  
SH_

That’s classified.

_No, it’s not.  
SH_

Perhaps, but you don’t  
have clearance, anyway.

_Are you still in the  
country?  
SH_

I’m not even going to  
tell you if I’m still in the  
Commonwealth or not.

_Why not?  
SH_

I like my privacy.

_And you don’t care how  
terrible my day will be  
if you don’t tell me?  
SH_

First of all: it won’t change  
your day. Second of all: no.

_Hypocrite.  
SH_

Yes. Now don’t start World  
War III while I’m gone.

_I won’t as long as Mycroft  
backs off.  
SH_

I’m serious, Sherlock. If  
you two need a referee  
in the next weeks, you’ll  
have to ask John.

_I’d rather go to my cousin's  
wedding.  
SH_

Is that what your brother is  
being unreasonable about?

_Yes.  
SH_

Just go.

_On second thought, I think  
I’m going to ask John instead.  
SH_

You can ask him to come  
along. It can be a wedding  
date!

_Just enjoy your holiday.  
SH_

I will. I’ll text you when  
I get back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bonus texts! I give you, zedille's interpretation of 'not!Anthea loses her luggage at the airport':  
>    
> I lost my thing.
> 
> I need my thing.
> 
> Without my thing I am angry.
> 
> Give me my thing.
> 
> Banana.


	18. Sickness and Health

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Both of them married to their work, in sickness and in health, but mostly in sickness this time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This part was so much fun to write! After really struggling with the last two parts this one just came. I want to thank [ibelieveinmycroft](http://ibelieveinmycroft.tumblr.com/) for trying to answer one of my stranger britpick questions ever and, as always, [zedille](http://zedille.tumblr.com/) for being wonderful and inspiring and making sure I don’t overuse commas or make up new English words.

* * *

_Tell Mycroft “blue ribbon”.  
He’ll know what it means.  
SH_

Tell him yourself.

_He’s ignoring me so I’m  
ignoring him back to anno  
him.  
SH_

_*annoy.  
SH_

You don’t think he’ll just  
think you’ve stopped  
bothering him?

_Not if he’s not an idiot. Which  
he is, so I see your point.  
SH_

What’s wrong?

_Nothinng.  
SH_

It takes forever for you  
to write a reply and your  
spelling is horrible.

_It’s hard texting with  
a cast.  
SH_

You’ve broken an arm?

_It’s just a hairline fracture.  
SH_

What happened?

_John pushed me out of  
the way of a car and I  
fell on my arm.  
SH_

How did we miss this?

_I’m fine, thanks for  
asking.  
SH_

Did John make the cast  
at Baker Street?

_Yes, just after he diagnosed  
the fracture with his X-ray  
vision.  
SH_

You mean there are official  
records of you getting X-rayed  
and having your arm placed in a cast?

_Probably, yes.  
SH_

How did we miss that?

_When you’ve figured out  
how you failed to invade  
my privacy, will you tell  
Mycroft “blue ribbon”?  
SH_

Stop being a child and tell  
him yourself.

_But my arm is broken.  
SH_

It’s a hairline fracture.

_I still think that gets me  
out of talking to Mycroft.  
SH_

No. It doesn’t.

-x-

I need some advice.

_That’ll cost you.  
SH_

How much?

_That depends on what  
it’s about.  
SH_

Your brother.

_I’ll give you one for free:  
quit your job and you won’t  
need any more advice.  
SH_

He’s running a fever.

_High?  
SH_

I haven’t quite managed  
to take his temperature.

_Don’t worry about it. Either  
it’s not that high and he'll  
power through, or it’s high  
and then he’ll collapse soon  
enough.  
SH_

Sherlock.

_Seriously. He’s a stubborn git  
and you know it. Either he  
collapses on his own, or you’ll  
have to sedate him.  
SH_

Do you know any good  
sedatives?

_Don’t you mean soporifics?  
SH_

I don’t know. Just something  
that makes him go to sleep.

_I’ll send you a link.  
SH_

These are all hallucinogenic….

_Hm, Freudian slip.  
SH_

Sure it was.

_It was, but I encourage  
you to try one on him.  
SH_

_Or try one yourself, for  
that matter.  
SH_

Just give me the right list.

_Fine.  
SH_

You’re far too drug-liberal,  
do you know that?

_What can I say, I love being  
an accomplice to treason.  
SH_

This isn’t treason. This is an  
intervention for his own  
damn good.

_Please record the  
conversation when you  
try to explain that to him  
afterwards.  
SH_

I’ll just tell him you did it.

_Mycroft’s evil genius has  
rubbed off on you.  
SH_

That might be the most  
beautiful thing you’ve  
ever said to me.

_I’ll take that as full  
payment for the advice.  
SH_

I’m not paying you for  
telling me to drug my  
boss.

_The thought of you  
drugging Mycroft is  
actually reward enough.  
SH_

_I even think it might  
put me in your debt.  
SH_

You’re always in my debt.

_Good luck knocking out  
the elephant.  
SH_

Hush.

-x-

I need John to write  
me a prescription  
for naproxen.

_You know you’d be  
forced to reveal your  
personal details for  
that, right?  
SH_

I don’t care. I’m about  
to send your brother to  
buy me painkillers.

_Dysmenorrhoea?  
SH_

Yes.

_John says naproxen is  
sold OTC as well.  
SH_

That’s only 250 mg.

_Take two.  
SH_

_Or three?  
SH_

Please?

_He says he’d be more  
comfortable if you  
contacted your usual  
prescriber.  
SH_

It’s not morphine. 

_Text him your details  
and he’ll see to it.  
SH_

You are both angels.

_Isn’t this a regular  
enough occurrence that  
you should be able to  
plan for?  
SH_

Shut. Up.

-x-

Your brother is scheduled  
for a knee ligament surgery  
tomorrow.

_So?  
SH_

I thought you should know.

_Why? That’s hardly a life-  
threatening procedure.  
SH_

For the love of Queen  
Victoria! Because he’s  
your brother. That’s why!

_That’s a terrible reason.  
SH_

Fine. The next time someone’s  
going to cut your brother open,  
I won’t tell you.

_No. I want to know every  
time anyone, intentionally  
or unintentionally, cuts  
open any part of Mycroft.  
SH_

Then what are you  
complaining about?

_I prefer to learn about  
it after the fact.  
SH_

You don’t have to worry,  
Sherlock. Like you said,  
it's not life-threatening.

_I’m not worried.  
SH_

I’ll e-mail you the details  
anyway.

-x-

_Did they kill you?  
SH_

**What have I said about  
the intelligence of that  
sort of question?  
MH**

_Still alive, then.  
SH_

**Do try to hide your  
disappointment.  
MH**

_Are you at least in pain?  
SH_

**I’m sad to inform you that  
the pain is manageable.  
MH**

_I will try to live with that  
disappointment as well.  
SH_

-x-

_It’s a cliché, but doctors  
are horrible patients.  
SH_

Is John ill?

_No, he has a cold.  
SH_

_Or SARS, judging by the  
sound of his complaining.  
SH_

Make him some tea.

_I’m not going anywhere  
near him.  
SH_

So he’s actually not really  
being a horrible patient?

_No, perhaps he’s just horrible.  
SH_

Be nice.

_God, he just threw up. I’m  
getting out of here.  
SH_

You can’t leave him alone!

_Don’t be ridiculous, of  
course I’m not leaving him  
alone. I’m telling Mrs Hudson  
to look after him.  
SH_

Sherlock!

-x-

I’m reading about the  
“Miller Manors Murder”  
in the paper. Is it really  
this freakish?

_Ugh. That sounds like one  
of John’s blog entries.  
SH_

Now that you mention  
it, it does have that ring  
to it.

_And to answer your  
question: I don’t read  
the papers (or John’s  
blog), but it would  
surprise me if even  
half of what they report  
is true.  
SH_

I thought you would  
have solved it by now.

_I would have, but John  
is being impossible and  
won’t let me go outside.  
SH_

Why?

_The Miller’s youngest  
son had chickenpox.  
SH_

And?

_And it turns out I never  
had it as a child.  
SH_

You have chickenpox?

_Yes.  
SH_

I’m sorry, but that’s  
about the most adorable  
thing I’ve ever heard!

_I can assure you that  
it's not even a little bit  
adorable.  
SH_

A little.

_No.  
SH_

How do you feel?

_I honestly can’t tell if  
the itching or the boredom  
is worse.  
SH_

_Or the hovering Dr Watson.  
SH_

I can take him off your hands  
for a while, if you’d like.

_I’m sure you could, but  
couldn't you send over the  
CCTV footage from  
Miller Manor instead so  
that I can have something  
to think about besides  
the itching?  
SH_

Hacking private cameras  
isn't what I do.

_Yes it is. Do it, or I’ll send  
Mycroft a letter containing  
my virus! If memory serves  
me right, he’s never had it  
either.  
SH_

Sinking to threats of  
bioterrorism, are we?

_Yes. Is it effective?  
SH_

God, yes. Give me an  
hour and you’ll have  
the footage.

_That’s the spirit.  
SH_

-x-

It’s hard when you can't  
tell if the headache is a  
hangover, a migraine, or  
caffeine withdrawal.

_How was the royal wedding?  
SH_

Fabulous.

-x-

_What’s the real reason the  
Millennium Bridge is closed?  
SH_

I can’t access that information  
at the moment.

_Why not?  
SH_

I’m in hospital.

_What for?  
SH_

I’m in labour.

_What?  
SH_

You’re going to be an uncle.

_What?  
SH_

I’m just kidding.

_I think I had a small stroke.  
SH_

Oh, hush! You’d be lucky  
to have the Holmes genes  
mixed with mine.

_Perhaps. But not Mycroft’s.  
SH_

Are you suggesting that  
I should use your genes?

_Certainly not.  
SH_

That’s what sounded like.

_I have no intention of  
ever procreating.  
SH_

That’s why I have to  
settle with your brother’s.

_Are you threatening me?  
SH_

If I was, you wouldn’t have  
to ask.

_That feels reassuring.  
SH_

I am actually in hospital  
though.

_Why?  
SH_

Your brother insisted.

_Is he there with you?  
SH_

No, he has a world to run.

_What’s wrong?  
SH_

Nothing. He’s overacting.

_Yes, I know he’s prone to do  
that. What’s wrong?  
SH_

I went into anaphylactic shock.

_How bad?  
SH_

Let me put it like this: the  
ECC has a recording of  
your brother requesting  
an ambulance.

_But you’re all right now?  
SH_

Yes. They’ve given me  
epinephrine, the swelling  
has gone down, but my  
blood pressure is still a  
bit low. Apparently.

_What are you allergic to?  
SH_

I don’t know, it’s never  
happened before. I’m  
waiting around for a  
cute doctor to come and  
poke me with a needle to  
find out.

_Do you want me to send  
you John to do it?  
SH_

Always.

_And you’re really all right?  
SH_

Yes.

_Good.  
SH_

-x-

Sherlock, what’s this?

_Nothing.  
SH_

No, seriously, what is this?

_It’s a case for your EpiPen.  
SH_

You give the oddest, yet  
sweetest, gifts.

_Just don’t be an idiot and  
eat something you’re  
allergic to again.  
SH_

I’ll do my very best, Sherlock.


	19. Hiatus

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The sporadic contact between Sherlock and not!Anthea during the two years Sherlock is away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter follows directly after [Chapter 14: The Afterfall](http://archiveofourown.org/works/338105/chapters/735887). The first two texts are here are the last two Sherlock sent in that chapter.
> 
> As always: all my love to zedille for her help.
> 
> * * *

_I’ll keep in touch.  
SH_

_I promise.  
SH_

-x-

_I really thought you of all people_  
 _would know how to pack for_  
 _travel outside the UK._  
 _SH_

Excuse me?

_You’re forgiven.  
SH_

I wasn’t actually apologising.

_You should.  
SH_

If my packing isn’t to your  
satisfaction, you can pack  
your own bags the next  
time you decide to fake  
your death.

_I think I just might.  
SH_

I really don’t get paid enough.

_You’ll have to take that up_  
 _with Mycroft._  
 _SH_

I will. He still hasn’t reimbursed me  
for babysitting you to begin with.

_I don’t need babysitting.  
SH_

I didn’t forget to pack anything.

_Yes, you did.  
SH_

No, I decided you couldn’t  
bring your Batman costume.

_I don’t have one.  
SH_

I’ve seen pictures.

_I’m adding Mycroft’s name_  
 _to my target list._  
SH 

I thought he was always at  
the top of that.

_He is.  
SH_

I know how to pack, Sherlock.  
I leave the country at least  
twice a month.

_Yes and if we accept the_  
 _premise that you haven’t_  
 _forgotten to pack anything, I_  
 _must conclude that you’re_  
 _painfully unobservant of the_  
 _fact that most of the world_  
 _don’t share our sockets._  
 _SH_

Oh. I forgot the wall plug  
adaptor. I’m sorry.

_It’s all right. They sell them_  
 _on the Continent too. I just_  
 _wanted you to know you_  
 _screwed up._  
 _SH_

As I said: the next time you  
fake your death, you can  
pack your bags yourself.

_I think I will.  
SH_

But leave the Batman costume.

-x-

I sent you a file on what  
you cannot, under any  
circumstances, mess with  
when you’re in the Czech  
Republic.

_You’re not supposed to_  
 _know where I am._  
 _SH_

I manage your bank account. I  
can see what currency you use.

_I should have stayed in the_  
 _Eurozone.  
SH_

I’m not the one you’re  
supposed to be hiding from.

_Debatable.  
SH_

Hush.

Seriously, though. Read the file.

_I will.  
SH_

And send me a postcard!

-x-

_How are things in London?  
SH_

John is doing all right.

_That’s not what I asked.  
SH_

Yes it was.

-x-

_I need a shower.  
SH_

Are you a dirty boy?

_I set myself up for that_  
 _one, didn’t I?  
SH_

Yes, you did.

_I need a shower.  
SH_

Can’t really help you with  
that.

_You good-for-nothing.  
SH_

I’m sorry.

_I really need a shower.  
SH_

-x-

_New phone.  
SH_

What happened to the  
old one?

_I dropped it in a fountain.  
SH_

You dropped it?

_Fine. I fell into a fountain_  
 _and had my phone on me.  
SH_

I’m going to find out  
where you are and see  
if I can find camera  
footage.

_I thought you had a_  
 _country to run to its knees.  
SH_

It’s my day off.

-x-

_My account seems frozen.  
SH_

I’ll see to it.

-x-

Can I outsource a thing  
to you?

_God! That scared the life_  
 _out of me.  
SH_

What? The text alert?

_Yes. I’ve had it turned off_  
 _for weeks. I forgot I had_  
 _turned it back on.  
SH_

You don’t still have Ms  
Adler’s moan, right?

_No, that one was rather_  
 _personalised to the_  
 _phone I left on the roof.  
SH_

I’m glad to hear. 

_I’m sure you are.  
SH_

So, can I outsource a  
thing to you?

_You or Mycroft?  
SH_

Queen and country.

_So, Mycroft.  
SH_

Can you do it or not?

_What is it?  
SH_

I am supposed to sit  
in on a ERM II meeting  
in Copenhagen but I’m  
double-booked and  
since you’re in Denmark…

_I’m not here on vacation.  
SH_

I know.

_And even if I were, that sounds_  
 _incredibly boring.  
SH_

It is.

_Then I think I’ll pass.  
SH_

Please!

_No.  
SH_

-x-

There’s something up  
with your passport.

_Details?  
SH_

We’re figuring it out. Don’t  
use it until you’ve heard  
from one of us.

-x-

_Do you want me to send_  
 _you your very own army_  
 _doctor?  
SH_

Doing some early Christmas  
shopping in your local war  
zone, are we?

_Do you want her or not?  
SH_

Her?

_I realised that the only_  
 _preferences I know you_  
 _have are “uniform” and_  
 _“doctor”. I figured that_  
 _your constant innuendos_  
 _could be a way of_  
 _overcompensating for_  
 _some form of internalised_  
 _homophobia and I thought_  
 _I’d offer you an alternative.  
SH_

I can’t really decide if I find  
this incredibly sweet or  
incredibly insulting. 

_So was I right?  
SH_

No, not even close. And  
I’m pretty sure this is just  
a way for you to watch me  
and a female version of  
John having lesbian sex.

_Why would I want that?  
SH_

Don’t play naive. You know  
exactly why.

_To clarify: you don’t want_  
 _me to send her to London?  
SH_

No, but thank you for  
thinking about me.

-x-

_You have no idea how_  
 _wonderful it is to be in a_  
 _country where they drive_  
 _on the right side of the road.  
SH_

I’m assuming you mean the  
right side as the left-hand side.

_Yes! The proper, normal side._  
 _Like the Queen wants us to.  
SH_

Do you want some biscuits  
with your tea, dear?

_Oh God! Yes.  
SH_

Homesick?

_No.  
SH_

-x-

_Tell Mycroft to answer my email!  
SH_

He’s in Ireland.

_I’m sure they have Internet there.  
SH_

I’ll phone him.

_Thank you.  
SH_

Anything wrong?

_Just have him answer the email.  
SH_

I will.

-x-

Are you all right?

_Yes.  
SH_

I haven’t heard from you  
in months.

_Didn’t Mycroft get my email_  
 _eight days ago?  
SH_

Yes, but I haven’t heard  
from you in months.

_I’m all right.  
SH_

Are you sure?

_Yes.  
SH_

-x-

Your mother called me.

_Hasn’t Mycroft kept her_  
 _updated?  
SH_

She wants more than  
“Sherlock is alive and  
somewhere in the world.”

_What did you tell her?  
SH_

That you’re alive and  
somewhere in the world.

_Good.  
SH_

I feel dirty.

_I’ll text her.  
SH_

Really?

_I promise.  
SH_

-x-

Your brother is wondering if  
you got the microphones.

_I did.  
SH_

_I imagine the biscuits were_  
 _your doing?  
SH_

Perhaps.

_Thank you.  
SH_

-x-

_New phone.  
SH_

What happened?

_You’re better off not_  
 _knowing.  
SH_

I’m not sure about that.

_I’m better off with you_  
 _not knowing.  
SH_

I have a vacation coming  
up. I will find out what  
happened to this one, too.

-x-

How did you get my home  
address?

_Freaking out?  
SH_

Yes! Please say you got it  
from your brother.

_Ask him yourself.  
SH_

That would make this even  
creepier, if that were possible.

_I thought you said you wanted_  
 _a postcard.  
SH_

I did, 18 months ago. I never  
thought you’d bother.

_Be careful what you wish for.  
SH_

Thank you for the card.

_You’re welcome.  
SH_

I miss you too.

-x-

The Trepoff case?

_I don’t know what you’re_  
 _talking about.  
SH_

You have to stop doing  
that sort of thing.

_I don’t know what you’re_  
 _talking about.  
SH_

If it takes me three headlines in  
German and a telegram on the  
BBC to figure it out, imagine how  
easy it can be for people who  
actually speak German.

_I don’t know what you_  
 _are talking about.  
SH_

_But if I did I would say that_  
 _you're giving yourself too_  
 _little credit. Most people_  
 _are idiots.  
SH_

_And think that I’m dead.  
SH_

Just be careful.

-x-

_What happened to Mycroft’s_  
 _mobile?  
SH_

Oh damn. I was going to give  
you his new number. I’ve been  
thinking about it all week.

_What happened to it?  
SH_

I would love to say that he  
dropped it in the toilet, but  
it just died.

_I will imagine him dropping_  
 _it in the toilet.  
SH_

If it makes you happy.

_You have no idea how much_  
 _it does.  
SH_

He’s on a conference call with  
the ECB, should I tell him to call  
you when he’s done?

_Yes.  
SH_

Anything I can do?

_It’s nothing. Just tell Mycroft_  
 _to call me.  
SH_

I will.

-x-

Is there a reason you’ve  
missed your last three  
report dates?

-x-

If you don’t get in touch  
soon, I’ll send your brother  
after you.

I’m not even kidding.


	20. The Empty Hearse

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _The Empty Hearse_ told through texts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the 20th instalment of this series and I have no idea how it happened. Not to go all Academy Award Speech on you but I really do want to thank all of you who read, send kudos and comments, and talk to me about this fic. To all of you who answer my weird questions about strange details I then never use, thank you! No matter if you’ve been following since the very first prompt fill in 2011 or if you just found the fic, thank you! You’re fantastic!
> 
> A special thank you goes, as always, to zedille for being on this crazy journey with me.

_Did you know the agent?  
SH_

What agent?

_The incompetent one who_   
_gave his life so that you_   
_could use national resources_   
_to get me out of Serbia.  
SH_

Oh, that agent. No. 

_You did say “one of our men”.  
SH_

Yes, ours. The United Kingdom’s.

_It’s always Queen and Country_   
_with you, isn’t it?  
SH_

A lot of the time it’s you and   
your brother.

_You didn’t kill that agent_   
_yourself, did you?  
SH_

God, no! I could have allocated   
resources for the Serbia trip   
anyway. His death was just   
very convenient.

_”Incompetent in life, convenient_   
_in death” rather catch for a_   
_headstone.  
SH_

Oh, be nice!

_It’s more imaginative than the_   
_one Mycroft gave me.  
SH_

He’ll do better next time.

_I would hope so.  
SH_

_Speaking of my brother, when_   
_did you start calling him Mycroft?  
SH_

I haven’t.

_You called me Mr Holmes.  
SH_

I couldn’t very well call you   
cutie in front of my boss.

_For the record: you can_   
_never call me that.  
SH_

Noted.

_So, when did you start calling_   
_him Mycroft?  
SH_

I haven’t.

_Etiquette states that if two_   
_brothers are present at the_   
_same time, the honour of_   
_being addressed with their_   
_father’s name falls to the older_   
_if other arrangements haven’t_   
_been mutually agreed upon.  
SH_

That’s ridiculous. 

_I agree, but you haven’t called_   
_me Mr Holmes since the first_   
_time you texted me.  
SH_

And the reason for doing so now   
would be that I’m calling your   
brother by his first name?

_Perhaps not.  
SH_

Yeah, perhaps not. And I  
know we still have some  
equipment from two years   
ago, but will you please take   
the stairs down from the roof?

Now.

_Are you having me followed?  
SH_

No.

_Are you following me?  
SH_

Yes.

_Don’t worry. I won’t jump off a_   
_building again. It was inconvenient_  
 _enough the first time.  
SH_

“Inconvenient” is one word for it.

_I’ll take the stairs. Don’t worry.  
SH_

Good. I put a lot of effort into  
getting you home. I’d like  
you to stay in one piece for at  
least a couple of hours.

_I thought you said you didn’t_   
_kill that agent.  
SH_

I’ve really missed you.

_I’ve missed you, too.  
SH_

-x-

How did it go?

_I might have miscalculated a_   
_couple of things.  
SH_

Yes, I’ve been informed  
there was an… incident  
at the restaurant.

_That’s one way of putting it.  
SH_

How would you put it?

_I don’t know.  
SH_

Good thing you didn’t jump  
out of a cake, at least.

_Yes.  
SH_

Did I get a little smile?

_Yes.  
SH_

So how did it go?

_I don’t really know. John’s_  
 _moustache was distracting._  
SH

It’s terrible, isn’t it?

_Quite.  
SH_

I blame you.

_I can’t really see how I’m_   
_at fault here.  
SH_

Your brother and I have  
discussed it over drinks.

_Seriously?  
SH_

Yes. 

_You and Mycroft were drinking and_   
_talking about John’s facial hair?  
SH_

Among other parts of him.

_I think I need to bleach my brain.  
SH_

Because you know this one   
is true?

_Yes, it’s far too easy to imagine.  
SH_

What can I say? Not all our   
conversations are about trivia  
like terrorism and election  
fraud. Sometimes we talk   
about important things like Dr   
Watson’s cute little bum.

_Did you come to a conclusion?  
SH_

_About the moustache.  
SH_

Damn, you were too quick!

_I realised I needed to be_  
 _more precise._  
SH

The most obvious conclusion  
would be that Mary likes it.

_She doesn’t.  
SH_

We know, so the second best  
guess is that it’s your fault. 

_Obviously.  
SH_

What do you think about   
Mary, though?

_She’s clever.  
SH_

_And an only child.  
SH_

_Shortsighted.  
SH_

_Lib Dem.  
SH_

_She has a secret tattoo.  
SH_

Ooh? Let’s get back to that one  
later! But deductions aside,  
what do you think of her?

_At the moment I think I prefer_   
_her over John.  
SH_

You don’t mean that.

_Perhaps not, and I think I_   
_actually prefer being_   
_attacked to being hugged_   
_by Lestrade.  
SH_

Lestrade hugged you?

_Unfortunately. And he’s smoking_   
_again.  
SH_

It’s your fault.

_Why is every stupid thing_   
_people do suddenly my_   
_fault?  
SH_

Because you’re a bad   
influence!

_I haven’t been here for_   
_two years!  
SH_

And you don’t think that has  
anything to do with it?

_It’s not like I wanted to leave!  
SH_

I know.

_I had to leave.  
SH_

I know.

How are you feeling?

_I honestly have no idea. I really_   
_underestimated some things,_   
_didn’t I?  
SH_

Yes you did, but John will  
come around once he’s  
calmed down a bit. 

_Maybe.  
SH_

Do you want to play a   
game or two of Scrabble?

_Yes, I do.  
SH_

-x-

How was your first night  
back at Baker Street?

_I can’t describe it, but it’s_   
_been a long time since I_   
_woke up feeling this way.  
SH_

Good or bad?

_Perfect.  
SH_

Then don’t let this ruin   
your morning, but your  
brother is on his way  
over.

_Ugh. Estimated time of arrival?  
SH_

97 seconds.

_You should really work on_   
_your “heads ups”.  
SH_

I don’t work for you.

_I’m only too aware of that.  
SH_

-x-

_Remind me to get Mycroft a_   
_goldfish for his birthday.  
SH_

What about the exploding  
umbrella?

_That’s more of a Christmas_   
_present, really.  
SH_

-x-

I’m in so much trouble   
right now.

_What did you do?  
SH_

Your brother is going to  
kill me!

_Nonsense. Either you’re too_  
 _valuable to him, or he’s too_  
 _lazy to do it. I don’t know which,_  
 _but it’s one or the other.  
SH_

I’m not kidding, Sherlock.

_Perhaps not, but you are_   
_exaggerating. What did_   
_you do?  
SH_

Promise your mother that  
he would accompany her  
and your father to a matinee  
at the West End.

_They’re coming to London?  
SH_

Yes.

_Why?  
SH_

You haven’t seen them in years!

_They’re not supposed to know_   
_that I’m back!  
SH_

As subtle as you are, it will  
be on the news in a matter  
of days if not hours. I couldn’t  
let them hear it from the BBC!

_This is your doing?  
SH_

Yes…

_They’ll never find your body.  
SH_

-x-

Molly? Really?

_I’m not sure you’re allowed_   
_to talk to me yet.  
SH_

So instead you’re playing with   
Molly Hooper?

_Jealous?  
SH_

I’m not the one you’re  
trying to make jealous. 

_I’m not trying to make_   
_anyone jealous.  
SH_

Sure.

At least take the girl out. Don’t  
just do the in-flat cases. Take  
her to a crime scene!

_Despite of popular belief, I_   
_don’t create crime scenes.  
SH_

Says the man who threatened  
to make my body disappear for  
all eternity.

_Yes, but that wouldn’t lead_   
_to a crime scene.  
SH_

That’s true. Take care, have fun.

-x-

_How can you allow people to light_   
_huge, unsupervised bonfires in_   
_the middle of the city?  
SH_

I imagine Bonfire Night would  
be a bit dull without the actual  
bonfires.

_Yes, mass arson is always fun.  
SH_

Burning people who plot high  
treason is a lovely pastime.   
The symbolism should be   
highly encouraged, since your  
brother won’t let us arrange  
public executions anymore.

_It’s a public safety issue.  
SH_

Like you care about that.

_Well, you should.  
SH_

We do, you should see the  
overtime for the fire  
department. The question  
is, why do you care?

_No particular reason.  
SH_

I will find out, Sherlock.

_I thought you had a vote_   
_to rig in Parliament.  
SH_

You’re surprisingly well-informed.

_Mycroft tried to use the vote to_   
_get me to take his place at the_  
 _matinée.  
SH_

Ah, yes. He’s been trying the same  
with me all week.

_With no luck, I suppose.  
SH_

Obviously not. The vote was rigged   
ages ago. I’m not leaving that   
sort of thing to the last minute. 

_I’m sure he’s pleased with_   
_your efficiency.  
SH_

Quite. I heard him mutter  
something about how we  
need a new ambassador   
to Micronesia.

_You must be very excited.  
SH_

I am. Trying on bikinis as we  
text.

_Before you go into exile, do_   
_you still have those cameras_   
_at Baker Street?  
SH_

Absolutely not. 

_I don’t believe you.  
SH_

I’m hurt.

_You’ll survive. Can you send me_   
_the footage?  
SH_

Sure. I’ll have your parents  
bring them when they visit.

_You’re really enjoying having_   
_them in town, aren’t you?  
SH_

Probably more than you and  
your brother put together.

_Mary’s all right, by the way.  
SH_

Now I really have to figure  
out what happened last night.

-x-

Sherlock, we need to  
install cameras in John  
and Mary’s flat.

_I thought you already_   
_had about four there.  
SH_

We don’t.

_Why are you telling me?  
SH_

We’d appreciate your help  
installing them.

_You’re funny today.  
SH_

Sherlock, we think she’s the  
target. They took John to get  
to HER, not to you.

_What?  
SH_

She was contacted, not you.  
For all we know the people  
behind this didn’t even know  
you were back.

_Bring the cameras and I’ll_   
_install them as soon as I can.  
SH_

I’ll send those with your  
parents as well.

_I figured.  
SH_

I’ve been going over the  
footage, by the way, and  
just so you know: John was  
on his way to see you when  
it happened. If it’s worth  
something.

_I’m not sure it is.  
SH_

He’ll come around. Don’t  
worry. He’s actually glad  
you’re back.

-x-

_Are you and Mycroft in Houses_   
_of Parliament?  
SH_

I am. He’s not.

_Leave.  
SH_

Pretty important vote going on.

_You said you rigged it ages ago._  
 _I don’t have time to explain,_   
_just get out.  
SH_

Fine.

-x-

I was the only person you   
thought about evacuating?

_You were the only one there_   
_worth saving.  
SH_

You don’t think our government  
is worth saving?

_I did ask for Mycroft as well,_   
_did I not?  
SH_

Cute.

I’m talking about the ACTUAL  
government. And all the MPs!

_If I had called in a bomb_  
 _threat, the MPs would have_  
 _been evacuated, and the_  
 _police and bomb units would_   
_have been sent in. I made an_   
_assessment and decided to_   
_sacrifice politicians instead_  
 _of law enforcement.  
SH_

I… don’t know how to respond   
to that.

_Why does everyone think that_   
_I’m completely irresponsible?  
SH_

Because we know you.

_Thanks.  
SH_

At least it seems like we   
didn't waste all the money  
we used to extract you from  
Serbia. 

_Always glad to make life_   
_easier for your accountant.  
SH_

So are things back to normal  
between the two of you now?

_Your accountant and I?  
SH_

You and John, obviously.

_We’re getting there.  
SH_

Good.

Oh, and your brother wants  
you to know that he’ll never  
threaten you with a knighthood  
again if you go to Les Mis in   
his place.

_Tempting as that sounds, I_   
_have a prior engagement.  
SH_

When did you have time to  
arrange that?

_I’m throwing an engagement_   
_party for John and Mary_   
_tomorrow.  
SH_

What?

_Yes, I’m sorry. It seems_   
_the former army doctor_   
_is off the market.  
SH_

That’s not what I’m talking about.  
He hasn’t been on the market  
for years. Not really.

_What do you mean?  
SH_

Never mind. You’re throwing  
a party? With people?

_I thought it’d been the least_   
_I could do after I sort of ruined_   
_John’s actual proposal.  
SH_

God…. The Landmark Hotel.

_Yes.  
SH_

Oh, the story about that night  
just gets better and better as   
it gets worse and worse.

_I’m sure there’s logic in that_   
_statement somewhere.  
SH_

I’m surprised Mary didn’t go  
for your throat as well.

_What do I need for an_   
_engagement party?  
SH_

Champagne. I’ll send some  
over. 

_Thank you. I’m also going to_   
_install the cameras tomorrow.  
SH_

Lovely.

_If it’s at all possible, I’d_   
_love a picture of Mycroft_   
_on his way to Les Mis.  
SH_

That can be arranged, but   
you’ll owe me.

_More than I already do?  
SH_

Yes.


	21. The Sign of Three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _The Sign of Three_ told through texts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always a big Thank You to zedille for betaing (and listening to all my logistic thoughts and issues).
> 
> * * *

_One downside to being back_  
 _is that we’re far less tolerant_  
 _of smoking than other countries.  
SH_

Yes, that clean air business is a drag.

_We live in London.  
SH_

Good point. Doesn’t mean we  
have to make it worse, though.

_Perhaps, but these last months_  
 _I’ve realised how much I missed_  
 _smoking indoors.  
SH_

You live on your own now, you  
can have any nasty habit you like.

Almost. Almost any nasty habit  
you like.

_I’m going back to patches after_  
 _this package.  
SH_

What? Voluntarily? Not whining  
and kicking and screaming?

_Yes.  
SH_

Sherlock, are you drunk?

_Not yet, but I’m getting there.  
SH_

I was joking.

_I wasn’t. How many people did_  
 _you think were coming to the_  
 _engagement party anyway?  
SH_

I don’t know? Some?

_There are still five bottles of_  
 _champagne left!  
SH_

_Well, four.  
SH_

Sherlock Holmes, are you  
drinking champagne all on  
your lonesome?

_Certainly not. I’m drinking_  
 _it with London!  
SH_

You’re on a roof again, aren’t  
you?

_Yes, I am. The roof of 221 Baker_  
 _Street.  
SH_

What is it with you and roofs?

_Oh, relax! I’m not going to jump.  
SH_

If you say so.

How was the engagement party?

_Acceptable.  
SH_

You’re such a basket of candy  
hearts and fluffy bunnies.

_It’s the champagne, it goes_  
 _straight to my head. It was_  
 _very appreciated, by the way.  
SH_

_Especially by Mrs Hudson.  
SH_

And you, apparently.

_I won’t complain.  
SH_

You’d better not.

_How long has Molly been_  
 _dating that man?  
SH_

Jealous?

_Freaked out is a more accurate_  
 _way of putting it.  
SH_

Why?

_Look him up, you’ll see.  
SH_

You tease.

_Not even John missed it.  
SH_

Be kind to him, he’s getting  
married.

_I threw him a party.  
SH_

Admit that it was partly so  
that you wouldn’t have to go  
with your family to see Les Mis?

_That might have contributed_  
 _to the rush, yes.  
SH_

_Now, on a scale from one to the Burrell_  
 _affair, how horrified was Mycroft_  
 _when he came back to the office?  
SH_

I’d say probably a seven?

_And you’re still not banished.  
SH_

I know! I’m disappointed, too.

_Are our parents on their way_  
 _back home?  
SH_

No, they leave tomorrow at  
4 p.m. I’ve arranged for the  
four of you to have brunch  
at Fortnum & Mason.

_You’d better be joking again.  
SH_

I’m not. A car will pick you up  
at noon, so don’t drink too  
much tonight, would you?

_I’ll talk Mycroft into banishing_  
 _you before they bring us the_  
 _biscuits.  
SH_

Just make sure it’s to someplace  
warm.

-x-

I can’t believe you actually  
wore the deerstalker when  
you met the press for your  
interview. 

_What would you have me_  
 _wear? Sandals and a hole_  
 _in each hand?  
SH_

It would have gone with the  
the whole resurrection theme,  
for sure.

_A bit overdone, though.  
SH_

Quite so.

_And I do have an image to_  
 _uphold.  
SH_

Are we trying to put some  
space between the public  
and the private?

_That’s part of it, yes. The days_  
 _as a ‘private’ detective are_  
 _long gone.  
SH_

Yes, you even got a fan club now.

Besides John.

_Ugh. Don’t remind me.  
SH_

What’s the other part of it?

_Promise to not tell anyone?  
SH_

I’ll only use the information  
to blackmail you into meeting  
your mother.

_I’ve missed it.  
SH_

You’ve missed the deerstalker?

_You really can’t tell John.  
SH_

I won’t.

_I’ve missed just about everything.  
SH_

-x-

Will John wear his uniform at  
the wedding?

_I have no idea.  
SH_

Find out, would you?

_Why do you want to know?  
SH_

Research purposes.

_Right.  
SH_

-x-

_Play Scrabble with me.  
SH_

It’s five in the morning. What  
are you doing up?

_I’m not smoking.  
SH_

Good for you. Sleep.

_Distract me!  
SH_

_Please!  
SH_

Finish that exploding  
umbrella you’ve been  
talking about for ages.

-x-

Has Lestrade contacted you  
about the Waters Gang case  
yet?

_The bank robbers? No. Boring._  
 _He’s got that one. Just needs_  
 _to catch them.  
SH_

And you won’t help with that?

_No, as I said, it’s boring. It’s_  
 _not a case, it’s police work.  
SH_

Now I imagine you saying that  
just like your brother says  
“legwork”.

-x-

_I’m John’s best friend.  
SH_

And water is wet.

_What?  
SH_

It is, I promise.

_No, I mean, what are you talking_  
 _about?  
SH_

What are you talking about?

_John asked me to be his best man_  
 _at the wedding.  
SH_

Who else would he ask?

_True, most of his friends hate him.  
SH_

I’ve never understood how they  
can’t like him. He’s adorable!

_You read my essay on suppressed_  
 _hatred in close proximity, right?  
SH_

Yes, and I’m still ignoring your not-  
so-subtle hints about my relationship  
with your brother.

_Can’t you at least acknowledge_  
 _why John’s friends don’t like him?  
SH_

Fine. That was a rather valid point.

I still don’t see it though.

_You work for Mycroft, you’re just_  
 _about as blind to normal human_  
 _nature as I am.  
SH_

I’m going to let that one slide.

_How can I be John’s best friend?  
SH_

Have YOU read your essay?

_Of course I have.  
SH_

Did you say yes when he asked?

_Obviously.  
SH_

Have you started planning the  
stag night?

_Do people really do that?  
SH_

Eh, yeah!

_With what? Alcohol, strippers,_  
 _and cigars?  
SH_

There are other stag nights  
besides Barney Stinson stag  
nights.

_Is he a friend of Mycroft?  
SH_

If the suit fits.

_You’ve lost me.  
SH_

I expected as much. And speaking  
of expectations, John will expect a  
stag night.

_What other idiotic traditions_  
 _have I signed up for?  
SH_

A speech.

_He said something about that.  
SH_

Yes, and helping out with lots of the  
wedding planning. Perhaps  
organising the wedding gifts-list.

You know what? I’ll send you a  
‘Best Man for Dummies’ book.

_Wouldn’t it be easier if I just asked_  
 _him to pick someone else?  
SH_

There can’t be anyone but you.

_I’m going to mess this up.  
SH_

No, you won’t.

_I think I need a cigarette.  
SH_

Are you panicking?

_No.  
SH_

You’ll do fine, Sherlock.

_I’ll think about the stag night.  
SH_

Can I come with you?

_Are you prepared to jump out_  
 _of a cake?  
SH_

No, that’s your bit.

-x-

_John will wear morning dress_  
 _at the wedding.  
SH_

That’s a shame.

_I don’t think military regulations_  
 _allow a retired officer to wear_  
 _full dress uniforms.  
SH_

If that’s the case, I’ll change the  
regulations if he wants me to!

_Mary and I have decided on_  
 _morning dress.  
SH_

You and Mary are no fun at all.

-x-

[Audio file received]

What is this?

_Have you listened to it?  
SH_

I won’t open it until you  
tell me what it is.

_It’s a wedding waltz.  
SH_

I’d rather help you try  
wedding cakes.

_Mycroft, give Madeleine_  
 _back her phone!  
SH_

Oh, ha ha.

_Just listen to it.  
SH_

Fine, all right.

_What do you think?  
SH_

I don’t recognise it.

_Of course you don’t.  
SH_

Thanks.

 _No, I mean that you couldn’t_  
 _recognise it. You’re the first_  
 _person to hear it.  
SH_

Did you write this?

_Yes. What do you think?  
SH_

Let me listen to it again.

It feels a bit… unfinished? And  
something around the one-minute  
mark feels off, I can’t tell you why  
or what it is. But, wow, Sherlock.

_I’ve never really written music_  
 _people are supposed to dance_  
 _to. Or hear, for that matter.  
SH_

You should let people at least  
listen to it. It’s beautiful.

_No, something is off. You said_  
 _so yourself.  
SH_

You have weeks to get it right.

_I hope I will.  
SH_

-x-

_Do you think the world’s_  
 _only consulting detective_  
 _could wear a top hat rather_  
 _than a deerstalker?  
SH_

Are you contemplating rebranding?

_Maybe. I really enjoy this hat.  
SH_

_Not the tie so much, but I_  
 _could get used to the hat.  
SH_

Oh, damn it. I wanted to see  
you in a cravat.

_If you take me to Stockholm_  
 _in December, I’ll wear one.  
SH_

Nice try. If I take you to the  
Nobel banquet, you’ll be wearing  
white tie. But you won’t get near  
any Nobel laureates again if  
I have anything to do with it.

_It was worth a try.  
SH_

Are the fittings done?

_God, no, but we’ve decided_  
 _on colours for the ties and_  
 _waistcoats.  
SH_

And the winner is?

_Golden eggshell.  
SH_

Beige.

_Golden eggshell.  
SH_

I’m so happy I wasn’t involved  
in the Royal Wedding.

-x-

[Audio file received]

_Would you mind trying to_  
 _to dance to this?  
SH_

Seriously?

_Yes, there’s only so much_  
 _I can do on my own.  
SH_

You want me to waltz?

_Yes.  
SH_

Stop rolling your eyes at me.

_It’s a wedding waltz. Of course_  
 _you should waltz.  
SH_

I can’t waltz.

_Ask Mycroft to teach you.  
SH_

You want me to try John and  
Mary’s wedding waltz with  
your brother?

_Not when you put it like that.  
SH_

I thought so.

_Could you listen to it, at least?  
SH_

I have, and I think it’s amazing.

_But can you dance to it?  
SH_

I don’t know. Do John and Mary  
even know how to waltz?

_I’m working on it.  
SH_

Are you teaching them to dance?

_I’m teaching him to dance._  
 _Mary already knows how to.  
SH_

Of course she does.

_You should learn how to waltz.  
SH_

I have a world to run.

-x-

_What do you know about Major_  
 _James Sholto, formerly with the_  
 _Fifth Northumberland Fusiliers?  
SH_

He sounds familiar. At least the  
regiment does.

_It’s John’s old regiment.  
SH_

Oh, that’s why.

_So do you know anything about_  
 _Major Sholto?  
SH_

He must have been John’s  
commanding officer, right?

_Yes.  
SH_

Is he coming to the wedding?

_He hasn’t RSVPed, but John_  
 _seems sure about it.  
SH_

That’s nice.

_I suppose so.  
SH_

It is.

_Do you know what really_  
 _happened when he was_  
 _discharged?  
SH_

Why do you want to know?

_I’m just curious.  
SH_

And a little bit jealous. 

_Are there any records of the_  
 _incident or not?  
SH_

Is the Ministry of Defence a  
governmental department?

_Yes.  
SH_

Then what do you think? 

_So look it up.  
SH_

It’s still military, though, so  
it's probably classified and  
sealed.

_You can unseal it.  
SH_

Yes, I can, but what do we say?

_Please.  
SH_

Good. I’ll look into it.

_Thank you.  
SH_

-x-

_I’ve decided to have a stag_  
 _night for John.  
SH_

Excellent! What are you planning?

_A pub round seems both_  
 _traditional and tolerable.  
SH_

The two most important Ts.  
What are you planning for  
theme?

_I don’t know.  
SH_

Oh, do murders!

_John has explicitly told me_  
 _that he doesn’t want any_  
 _murders near his wedding.  
SH_

Not a real one! But your Monopoly  
board of murders! That would be  
such a perfect theme.

_It wasn’t murders on every street._  
 _It was just solved crimes.  
SH_

Just as well, you couldn’t do  
22 pubs anyway.

_There were nine murders on_  
 _the board.  
SH_

That you could totally do.

_Further planning is needed.  
SH_

Alternate with water!

-x-

So, how was the stag night?

_Shut up.  
SH_

What?

_I can hear you gloating all_  
 _the way here.  
SH_

That’s ridiculous, you can’t  
hear someone gloat.

_That doesn’t change the_  
 _fact that you already know_  
 _exactly what happened.  
SH_

Not EXACTLY.

_There’s a good chance you have_  
 _more details than I do, though.  
SH_

Heh, how are you feeling?

_Hangovers are child’s play. I’ve_  
 _gone through withdrawal.  
SH_

So not so good?

_No. I blame John and his stupid_  
 _wedding.  
SH_

Don’t call the wedding stupid.

_Fine.  
SH_

_Have you ever dated a ghost?  
SH_

Let’s see… there was Mr Snow,  
but he was a vampire. Then I had  
a one-night-stand with a werewolf,  
but I can’t remember his name.

_Funny.  
SH_

I did actually date a tongue wizard  
once. 

_I’m going to ignore you now.  
SH_

What did you expect? It was  
a stupid question.

_The client thinks she dated_  
 _a ghost.  
SH_

Well, then she’s an idiot.

_I agree, but the case is far_  
 _more intriguing than flower_  
 _arrangements.  
SH_

Are we growing a bit tired of  
the wedding planning?

_Not tired per se, but I miss the_  
 _work. I haven’t been Sherlock_  
 _Holmes in a while.  
SH_

You could always wear the deerstalker  
at the wedding.

_I think Mary might actually take_  
 _John’s gun and shoot me if I did_  
 _that.  
SH_

I wouldn’t blame her.

-x-

_I think the waltz is done.  
SH_

Send it to me!

[Audio file received]

Sherlock, this is amazing.

_You think it’ll do?  
SH_

Yes!

_Good.  
SH_

Now I really wish I knew how  
to waltz.

_I’m done as a dance teacher. John_  
 _sucked the life out of me.  
SH_

Was he really that bad?

_Yes.  
SH_

Will he manage on Saturday?

_He’d better! I’ve written him a waltz.  
SH_

Them.

_Do you really think it’s good enough?  
SH_

I do.

-x-

_Help.  
SH_

What did you take?

_What?  
SH_

What do you need help with?

_The speech.  
SH_

You’re not done?

_I haven’t started.  
SH_

The wedding’s tomorrow!

_Don’t you think I know that?  
SH_

Sorry.

_The book is useless!  
SH_

Don’t mind the book!

_Then why did you give it to me?  
SH_

Because it was really funny at  
the time.

_I can’t mess this up.  
SH_

Write a first draft, and I’ll read  
it for you.

_Can you write it for me?  
SH_

No.

-x-

Big day!

_Yes.  
SH_

Did you get any sleep?

_No.  
SH_

Any chance I could get a picture  
of you in your morning dress?

_That can be arranged.  
SH_

Any chance I could get an old  
picture of John in his uniform?

_Probably not.  
SH_

Are you keeping them all for  
yourself?

-x-

_And that was that.  
SH_

It’s over?

_No, I’m texting you from_  
 _inside the church.  
SH_

Really?

_No.  
SH_

Just checking. How was the  
ceremony?

_Irreversible.  
SH_

Pfft, hardly. I legally killed and  
revived you. I could annul all the  
marriages in the entire country  
before lunch if I wanted to.

_Good to know.  
SH_

That might be the oddest  
thing I’ve ever bragged about.

_I’m still impressed.  
SH_

As you should be.

_Mary’s maid of honour reminds_  
 _me a bit of you.  
SH_

She must be absolutely fabulous,  
then!

_She said something about the_  
 _best man and maid of honour_  
 _having sex being tradition. The_  
 _book didn’t say anything about that.  
SH_

It’s not that kind of tradition.

_Why is it always about sex?  
SH_

Because the Beatles were wrong!

_What?  
SH_

We need more than love.

_Of course we do.  
SH_

Hence, sex.

_You can’t live on sex, either.  
SH_

But you’ll die happier. Are you going  
to follow that tradition?

_No.  
SH_

Use a condom if you do!

-x-

_What do you know about_  
 _the early signs of pregnancy?  
SH_

What was the last thing I  
texted you? The very last  
thing?

_I haven’t had sex with Jeannine.  
SH_

Then why do you want to know?

_I think Mary might be pregnant.  
SH_

Oh, shit.

_Interesting reaction.  
SH_

Is it planned?

 _Hardly, seeing how much time_  
 _they put into choosing the wine._  
SH

Their child would be so cute!

_This conversation is turning out_  
 _to be completely useless.  
SH_

This conversation is turning into  
gossip!

_Then give me some facts, so_  
 _I can verify.  
SH_

Oh, there’s a good way to do that.

_What?  
SH_

Ask her.

_That’s cheating.  
SH_

…right. Well, I, for one, felt a  
bit queasy. 

_You’ve been pregnant?  
SH_

Yes, but just for a couple of  
weeks. Don’t worry, it was  
before I met your brother.

_I see.  
SH_

You can’t just Google your  
way to the information?

_I’m trying to host a wedding,_  
 _I can’t research things.  
SH_

Texting me is all right, though?

_Only if it generates results.  
SH_

It won’t, so stop texting me  
and just ask her.

Uncle Sherlock.

-x-

Are you all right?

_Why wouldn’t I be?  
SH_

Your brother told me you called him.

_Please tell me you weren’t the_  
 _thing he was filing.  
SH_

What?

_Never mind.  
SH_

I’m always the one doing the  
filing. I’m not completely sure  
he understands the system we  
use. 

_True. I’ve always been under_  
 _the impression that he prefers_  
 _the filing system at Eton, but_  
 _you never know. We don’t talk_  
 _about filing.  
SH_

We’re talking about different kinds  
of filing, aren’t we?

_I’m not talking about filing at all.  
SH_

Look at you with your innuendoes!  
Now stop avoiding the question. Are  
you all right?

_Why wouldn’t I be?  
SH_

Hm, this feels familiar.

_Why wouldn’t I be all right?  
SH_

You tell me.

_I’m fine.  
SH_

Sherlock, you called your brother  
to ask if he’d come to the wedding.

_I asked him to come to the_  
 _reception. There is a difference.  
SH_

Yes, and I’m trying very hard to  
figure out what that difference is  
and why it’s important.

_You do that. I have a wedding_  
 _reception to see to.  
SH_

-x-

_The ghost, the one from the_  
 _stag night. He was at the wedding.  
SH_

What? What did you do?

_I got the murderer.  
SH_

What are you on?

_Nothing. Champagne.  
SH_

Then what are you talking about?  
What happened?

_There was a murder at the wedding.  
SH_

Christ! 

_No one died, and we caught him.  
SH_

Has ‘murder’ been redefined?

_Never mind.  
SH_

Cut down on the champagne!

-x-

I think I have figured out why  
you wanted your brother at  
the reception tonight.

_I didn’t.  
SH_

I could look into making that  
legal, you know.

_What are you talking about?  
SH_

Your second speech. The one  
I didn’t get to see a draft of.

_How do you even know about_  
 _that?  
SH_

John. 

_Ah.  
SH_

He wondered if I knew  
where you are and why  
you’re not answering him.

_What did you tell him?  
SH_

That you were fucking the maid  
of honour in the broom closet.

He didn’t believe me.

_Imagine that.  
SH_

He also said the waltz was amazing.

_And he didn’t step on her dress,_  
 _even once.  
SH_

You did good, Sherlock.

_Thank you.  
SH_

But you should text John.

_I’d rather play Scrabble with you.  
SH_

We can do that after.


	22. His Last Vow

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _His Last Vow_ told through texts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Many thanks to [zedille](zedille.tumblr.com), as always and always. There wouldn't be much of this series without her. Go and give her some love!

I see the Watsons have left the  
country.

_You’re tracing their passports too?  
SH_

Just his, but I assume Mary is  
with him.

 _I imagine it would be a rather_  
_dull sex holiday otherwise._  
SH

Oh, do you now?

_Yes.  
SH_

Interesting.

_I can’t see how.  
SH_

Of course you can’t. And don’t  
call the honeymoon a “sex holiday”.

_Why? That’s what it is.  
SH_

No. A sex holiday is when you  
go to Ibiza without booking a  
hotel room and come home  
with a STI.

_They could be doing that.  
SH_

I highly doubt it.

_The whole idea of ‘consummating_  
_the marriage’ feels very pagan.  
SH_

We need something to balance  
out the monotheism.

_I would agree, but in this case_  
_it’s completely unnecessary_  
_as she’s already pregnant.  
SH_

Oh, it’s confirmed now?

_Yes.  
SH_

Are they keeping it?

_They are very happy.  
SH_

And you?

_What do I have to do with it?  
SH_

Don’t be thick.

_I don’t know anything about_  
_babies.  
SH_

I’ll think you’ll be a natural.

_A natural what?  
SH_

A natural at taking care of the  
baby, of course.

_I won’t be doing that.  
SH_

Yes you will, Uncle Sherlock.

_No one will be allowed to call_  
_me that.  
SH_

That will be your name, though.

_It won’t.  
SH_

Just you wait and see.

-x-

_Is it your policy to have people who_  
_are highly susceptible to blackmail_  
_in charge of national security?  
SH_

Oh, God. What now?

Is it Suresh?

Patrick Johnson?

Please tell me it’s not Berg.

_Apparently, that is our policy. How_  
_disappointing.  
SH_

_Though I must say I appreciate_  
_the timing of this. I was starting_  
_to get bored out of my wits.  
SH_

Are you missing the Watsons?

_No, it’s nice to have the flat all_  
_to myself again.  
SH_

Mhm.

_Mrs Hudson is pestering me_  
_with board games.  
SH_

As long as you’re not pestering  
me, I think it all works out.

Now tell me who contacted you.

_I can’t. Client-Detective_  
_confidentiality.  
SH_

That’s not a thing.

_Is too.  
SH_

Tell me now, or I’ll tell your brother we  
might have a security leak and you  
won’t tell us.

_Lady Smallwood.  
SH_

Ah, the power of threats.

_Yes, that’s what worries me.  
SH_

You’re worried about our national  
security? Really?

_The reality of having Mycroft in_  
_charge is disturbing enough. We_  
_really don’t need blackmailers too.  
SH_

Don’t dis blackmailing. It’s very  
effective, at times.

_Again, that’s what worries me.  
SH_

Why are you telling me this?

_Because I honestly thought you should_  
_know that the head of MI6 is being_  
_blackmailed.  
SH_

Thanks, I’ll look into it.

_I thought you’d be more upset by this.  
SH_

Is it the letters concerning her  
husband’s affair?

_You know about it?  
SH_

Of course. We do some background  
checks on the people we allow to play  
with state secrets, after all.

_Well, then.  
SH_

Don’t get yourself involved  
in a Bond movie, Sherlock.  
You don’t have cool-enough  
gadgets for that.

-x-

You’re disturbingly quiet.

_I’m abiding by your request_  
_to not pester you at work.  
SH_

You once texted me the  
periodic table in descending  
order of atomic number  
because I didn’t reply fast  
enough in Scrabble.

_You never do.  
SH_

I was at 10 Downing Street!

_Then you should have turned_  
_your phone off.  
SH_

Next time I will, but you can see  
why I don’t trust you when you  
say that you’re trying to honour  
my wish to be left alone at work.

_I’m surrounded with people_  
_with trust issues.  
SH_

That’s mostly because you’re  
not very trustworthy.

_I’m trying to do a nice thing here.  
SH_

So it has nothing to do with a  
certain former bridesmaid who  
comes and goes quite frequently?

_Please tell me you don’t have_  
_a camera in my bedroom.  
SH_

I never thought I’d need one.

Do I need one?

_You’re a horrible woman.  
SH_

Of course I am. Now tell me,  
what's going on?

_I’m holding auditions for a new_  
_sidekick.  
SH_

Mm, yes, the Boffin is lacking his  
Notorious Bachelor.

_Hasn’t that reporter been_  
_executed yet?  
SH_

No.

_Must I do everything myself?  
SH_

I would help you, if you weren’t  
lying to me.

_I never lie to you.  
SH_

Ha! So your sudden interest in this  
particular female has nothing  
to do with your newly discovered  
concern for our nation’s susceptibility  
to blackmail?

_No, I’m in it for the sex.  
SH_

I always wondered what you used  
your sidekicks for…

_Funny.  
SH_

You left yourself open to that one.

_Yes, I rather did, didn’t I?  
SH_

Don’t be too hard on yourself.

_I won’t be.  
SH_

Why didn’t you tell me that it’s  
Magnussen who has Lady  
Smallwood’s letters?

_Who?  
SH_

Stupid is so not a good colour  
on you.

_Thank you.  
SH_

_Would it have made a difference?  
SH_

I would have told you to back off.

_How can you let a person_  
_like Magnussen walk around_  
_unsupervised like this?  
SH_

We don’t, but that’s above your  
pay grade.

_The head of MI6 is paying me_  
_to get the letters back, I’d say_  
_it’s exactly my pay grade.  
SH_

You don’t know what you’re up  
against.

_You sound like Mycroft.  
SH_

Oh, stop trying to flatter me.

_I was trying to insult you.  
SH_

You’re failing horribly at both.

_Good thing you’re not the one_  
_I’m trying to woo, then.  
SH_

Sherlock, are you sleeping with  
this woman to get to her boss?

_I would never do such a thing.  
SH_

Let me rephrase: are you using a  
woman to get to her boss?

_What if I am?  
SH_

You would be a complete and  
utter arse.

_That I can live with.  
SH_

Sherlock. 

_What? What do you think I keep_  
_you around for?  
SH_

I love you too.

_Who’s pestering whom at work now?  
SH_

I’m pestering you ABOUT your  
work, it’s different.

_It doesn’t feel very different.  
SH_

Don’t break that girl’s heart for  
a case, Sherlock.

_Don’t let Magnussen run the newspapers_  
_in the UK.  
SH_

Free press.

_Language!  
SH_

Oh, shut up.

-x-

_Mary sent me a sonogram_  
_picture.  
SH_

Is everything all right?

_Yes, though I’m pretty sure_  
_they did this themselves._  
_It’s a bit early for an ultrasound,_  
_according to my calculations.  
SH_

Did they do it themselves?

_John doesn’t just play doctor,_  
_you know.  
SH_

Is there a sex joke in there  
somewhere?

_Innuendo is in the eye of_  
_the beholder.  
SH_

Your training is almost complete,  
my young Padawan.

_…right.  
SH_

So, what do you think about  
the sonogram?

_The ultrasound is such a_  
_fascinating invention, but_  
_it’s nothing compared to_  
_antenatal development.  
SH_

Moved by the miracle of life, Uncle  
Sherlock?

_More than I ever thought I would be.  
SH_

I told you, you’ll be a natural.

-x-

You idiot!

_Relax.  
SH_

Heroin?!

_Molly’s already slapped me.  
SH_

Good for her!

_How did you even know?  
SH_

How do you think?

_Promise you won’t tell Mycroft._  
_I’m not done.  
SH_

Don’t worry, that’s not the  
way this information goes.

_Good.  
SH_

If you knew how slow you  
actually are on heroin, you  
would scare the shit out of  
yourself.

-x-

_Mycroft told you.  
SH_

Of course he did.

_You could have warned me.  
SH_

I think you’re confusing me with  
someone who thinks heroin  
is okay.

_It’s for a case!  
SH_

I thought you were working on  
Lady Smallwood’s letters?

_I am.  
SH_

You’ve got to help me see the  
connection, because God help  
me, I can’t.

_I need a scandal for Magnussen_  
_to go after.  
SH_

BUT HEROIN!

_Diacetylmorphine. Heroin is_  
_a brand name, really.  
SH_

Oh, fuck off.

_Are diamonds important on_  
_engagement rings?  
SH_

Are you still high?

_As high as you can be on a_  
_depressant.  
SH_

Ha. Ha.

_I’m coming off it.  
SH_

You’re an idiot.

_It. Is. For. The. Case.  
SH_

You’re still an idiot.

_Fine. I’m an idiot. Can you_  
_answer my question now?  
SH_

What was the question?

_Diamonds – necessary or not_  
_on engagement rings?  
SH_

What are you playing at?

_I’m going to propose to Janine.  
SH_

Don’t you dare drag that woman  
deeper into your bullshit!

_What if I’m sincere?  
SH_

You’re already married.

_My work will understand.  
SH_

I was talking about the Watsons.

_So you’re not going to help me_  
_pick out a ring?  
SH_

No, I’m washing my hands of you.

-x-

_John said you stopped by_  
_while I was asleep.  
SH_

I did.

_Did you come to yell at me_  
_about the morphine?  
SH_

Of course not.

_It’s an opioid too.  
SH_

It’s not the same.

_You’re right, I much prefer_  
_heroin.  
SH_

I’m sorry.

_What on earth for?  
SH_

You’re not angry with me?

_God, no. Why would I be?  
SH_

How are you?

_I’m feeling fairly certain that_  
_you already have all my medical_  
_records.  
SH_

Yes.

_Actually dying isn’t half as_  
_exciting as faking a suicide.  
SH_

I’ll remember that.

_Can you keep a secret?  
SH_

You do know what my job  
is, right?

_It was Mary who shot me.  
SH_

Mary?

_Watson.  
SH_

Mary Watson shot you?

_And knocked my fiancée_  
_unconscious.  
SH_

Mary Watson, as in your wife,  
shot you?

_John’s wife, yes, and judging_  
_by her gear and muffler, it_  
_wasn’t her first time shooting_  
_people either.  
SH_

But she’s a nurse with a poor  
voting record who bakes  
beetroot bread. I have a file!

_Yes, I’m getting less and less_  
_impressed by your background_  
_checks.  
SH_

_Just saying.  
SH_

Does John know?

_Not yet.  
SH_

Have you told the police?

_Of course not!  
SH_

She bloody killed you!

_I assure you, I’m in too much_  
_pain to be dead.  
SH_

You flat-lined! They stopped  
trying to revive you! You DIED!

_I was dead for three years,_  
_what’s another minute or so?  
SH_

This is not a joke, Sherlock!

_I’m acutely aware of that.  
SH_

Can I tell your brother?

_Actually, yes, please do, but_  
_tell him to stay out of it.  
SH_

What are you going to do?

_Sleep feels like a good idea.  
SH_

I meant about Mary.

_I haven’t got that far, but it’s_  
_not her fault. It’s Magnussen’s.  
SH_

What does he got to do with it?

_He threatened and blackmailed_  
_her.  
SH_

So she shot you.

_Behold the wonders of the free_  
_press!  
SH_

That’s really not it.

-x-

I like Janine. You should marry  
that girl.

_I tried, she didn’t want to.  
SH_

_And you took her ring!  
SH_

John said I could!

_Keep it.  
SH_

I’m making you a scrapbook  
with all the news stories about  
the two of you.

_I can’t wait to see that.  
SH_

I’m going pretend you weren't  
being sarcastic there.

Have you read any of them?

_Not yet.  
SH_

I like the one where she says  
you made her wear the hat.

_That’s absurd. I would wear_  
_the hat! I’m Sherlock Holmes.  
SH_

Indeed you are.

-x-

You’ve got mail.

_What is this?  
SH_

What I’ve managed to put  
together on Mary.

_Trying to get me to trust your_  
_background checks again?  
SH_

Yes.

 _The Woman said that all disguises_  
_are self-portraits.  
SH_

Ms Adler?

_Yes.  
SH_

This is a secret identity. Not  
a disguise.

_Aren’t those just different_  
_sides of the same coin?  
SH_

I suppose they could be.

_Thanks for the e-mail.  
SH_

It was that or killing her and  
you’ve told me not to do  
that. Yet.

_That’s also appreciated.  
SH_

-x-

Do you need me to come  
over there and kill you?

_No, I’m fine, thanks.  
SH_

Really? Because it’s starting  
to look like you have a  
serious death wish.

_I couldn’t TELL John. I had_  
_to SHOW him.  
SH_

And what if you’d died this time?

_I didn’t.  
SH_

What if you had?

_I didn’t.  
SH_

Idiot!

_I promise I will not leave this_  
_hospital again until John rolls_  
_me out in a wheel chair.  
SH_

Good. How’s he doing?

_He’s moved back to Baker Street.  
SH_

I know.

_He’ll get past it.  
SH_

Are you doing that thing again  
when you underestimate the  
impact loss has on John? 

_No, I won’t do that again, but_  
_he will get past this. He hasn’t_  
_lost Mary.  
SH_

I hope you’re right.

-x-

Do you want to know her real  
name?

_I know her real name. It’s_  
_Mary Elisabeth Watson.  
SH_

Fine. Do you want to know  
the name her parents gave  
her?

_Not unless she tells me.  
SH_

_Or plays 20 Questions with me_  
_to have me figure it out.  
SH_

Yeah, that’s how classy people  
do it.

_It’s been your turn in Scrabble_  
_for two days now.  
SH_

Fuck!

-x-

_Mary sent me another_  
_sonogram picture.  
SH_

Have you shown it to John?

_I’m debating it.  
SH_

Show him. 

_Are you sure?  
SH_

Yes. Then urge him to go to the  
next check-up.

And offer to go there with him.

_I was planning to ask her if she_  
_wanted me to go with her,_  
_either way.  
SH_

Do you miss her a lot?

_Yes.  
SH_

-x-

The car will pick you up at  
10 on the 24th to bring you  
to your parents’.

_Good.  
SH_

What? No screaming and  
kicking and yelling?

_Getting shot changes your_  
_priorities.  
SH_

If I’d known that, I’d have shot you  
years ago.

_Can you make sure Mary is_  
_picked up around the same_  
_time as well?  
SH_

Of course, can’t let Mum and  
Dad know that your boyfriend’s  
wife shot you.

_I have a feeling that would_  
_ruin Christmas.  
SH_

Quite.

-x-

_Would it be possible for you_  
_to wipe Mycroft’s computer_  
_before he leaves for Christmas?  
SH_

Not if I want to keep my job.

_Two birds with one stone, then.  
SH_

I want to keep my job, Sherlock.

_You keep saying that.  
SH_

Just accept that you’ll never  
be able to fulfil me like your  
brother can.

_I’ll never understand women.  
SH_

To be fair, neither will your  
brother.

_True.  
SH_

Why do you need me to wipe  
his computer?

_You said you couldn’t do that.  
SH_

And that stands, but why did you  
ask me in the first place?

_I’m going to commit high treason.  
SH_

Why can’t you do Christmas like  
a normal person?

_Normal is boring.  
SH_

Send my love to your parents.

-x-

Don’t die. I’m so angry at  
you, but don’t you dare die.

_I’ll do my best.  
SH_

That’s not good enough,  
Sherlock.

_It’s the best I can do.  
SH_

I will kill you if you die after  
all this.

_I couldn’t not do it.  
SH_

Yes, you bloody well could!

_John, Mary, and the baby are_  
_safe now.  
SH_

He’ll be destroyed if you  
don't come back.

_He’s survived it once.  
SH_

You’re doing that thing you  
said you wouldn’t do again.

_I know, but I have to.  
SH_

I hate you!

_You’ll look after them, right?  
SH_

Not for your sake.

_If people die during things like_  
_this, is it customary to tell people_  
_about it?  
SH_

That they died, yes. Sometimes,  
where they died. Never how.

_When I do, don’t tell him.  
SH_

Don’t you dare say “when”.

_Make up a cover story like the_  
_one Mycroft told him about The_  
_Woman. He’ll buy that.  
SH_

Sherlock, please stop.

_I’m sorry.  
SH_

Just please don’t die.

Please. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you read this before _The Abominable Bride_ you might notice that a part is missing. I removed it due to, well, _The Abominable Bride._


	23. Weather

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A recent study concluded that the United Kingdom is the most weather obsessed nation in Europe, so it's no wonder that even Sherlock and not!Anthea can't avoid talking about the weather from time to time (no matter how much they like to think of themselves as different to everyone else).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The same study stated that Sweden is the third most weather obsessed nation in Europe (Norway beats us!) so I think I might be qualified to write this. 
> 
> Apart from that, I've been a terrible mother to this installment, having it lying around my HD for months only to send it to zedille for betaing when her finals started. (So I've been bad there too... I'm sorry...) Thank you for all your help! I appreciate even the parts I ignore ;)
> 
> As all theme ones this take place in the obscure time span of "from before ASiP to last moments of HLV".

Nice weather today, don’t you  
think?

_Oh, god! Please don’t be one of_  
_those people who makes small_  
_talk about the weather.  
SH_

I’m not.

_I hope so, because I was just_  
_starting to like you.  
SH_

Oh, hush! You can’t help loving  
me no matter what I talk about.

_Yes, I can!  
SH_

No, I’m adorable.

_You spelt “annoying” wrong.  
SH_

Pft.

The weather is really nice and hot  
today, though. Just the type of  
weather that makes former army  
doctors walk around with almost  
nothing on.

_I will find the camera, and I_  
_will destroy it.  
SH_

You say that every time, yet you  
never have.

_There’s always a first time.  
SH_

Please wait until after he puts his  
clothes back on.

_No.  
SH_

-x-

I’m thinking about creating a  
new religion. It’s all about  
worshipping the sun, and you  
get the day off every time it’s  
sunny outside.

_Wouldn’t that require you to_  
_change our state religion?  
SH_

Probably. But personally, I think  
that Church of England is very  
16th century.

_If you involve human sacrifice,_  
_I might actually help you.  
SH_

Tempting. I’ll think about it.

_We can start with the really_  
_stupid ones.  
SH_

We can start with you.

_But then who would distract you from_  
_work?  
SH_

I wouldn’t be at work. The sun is  
shining, so I’d have the day off.

_I’m not sure Mycroft would agree_  
_to that.  
SH_

Well, let’s sacrifice him first, then.

 _Are you serious or did I just steal your_  
_phone and text myself?  
SH_

What do you think?

_That you’re cruelly playing with my_  
_feelings.  
SH_

I’m sorry.

_I’ll live.  
SH_

-x-

_Random John fact: he’s scared_  
_of thunder.  
SH_

Oh, poor baby.

_It’s rather amusing to see how_  
_twitchy he gets, pretending he’s_  
_not bothered.  
SH_

Be nice.

_I always am.  
SH_

You never are.

_I am sometimes.  
SH_

_Not now though, this is too_  
_much fun.  
SH_

What if it’s a war thing?

_It’s not, I’ve talked to Harry. She_  
_was more than happy to tell me_  
_he’s been scared of thunderstorms_  
_since they were little.  
SH_

When did you talk to Harriet?

 _Last thunderstorm. I wondered if his_  
_discomfort was linked to his time in_  
_Afghanistan, so I thought it best_  
_to investigate if this was a new_  
_irrational fear or an old one in case_  
_there was something I could do to_  
_help.  
SH_

Wow, you actually are considerate  
sometimes.

_I’m always considerate. It’s just_  
_that I consider things that other_  
_people don’t.  
SH_

That’s because your priorities are  
messed up.

_My priorities are just fine, thank you.  
SH_

I don’t have time to explain to you  
how wrong you are.

-x-

_I’m feeling cheated out of the_  
_awful British weather the world_  
_thinks we have.  
SH_

You want to trade the best summer  
we've had in a decade for rain?

_I’ll settle for our everyday_  
_dull, greyish weather.  
SH_

You can’t be serious.

_It’s too hot!  
SH_

There is always the option of not  
wearing a long black coat in July.

_The world’s only consulting_  
_detective can’t run around_  
_London in Speedos.  
SH_

Yes, because there’s nothing  
between “winter coat” and  
“swimwear”.

_I’m not giving up the coat!  
SH_

Then you’ll really have to suit  
yourself.

_I’m melting!  
SH_

You know what they say, you only  
miss the sun when it starts to snow. 

Only know you love him when you  
let him go.

And you let him go.

_Who?  
SH_

John.

_What?  
SH_

Oh, it’s a song, Sherlock. Look it  
up on Youtube.

_Youtube, though not without its_  
_uses, should not be used as a_  
_music player since the sound_  
_quality is really poor.  
SH_

It’s okay, it’s a crap song.

_Then why should I even bother?  
SH_

Because you only know you've been  
high when you're feeling low, and  
only hate the road when you're  
missing home.

And you only know you love him when  
you let him go.

And you let him go, Sherlock.

You’ve turned off your mobile,  
haven't you?

I’m sorry, I will never quote  
bad pop songs again.

Sherlock?

If you wanna be my lover

You gotta get with my friends

Make it last forever

Friendship never ends

_Now I’m turning it off.  
SH_

No! That’s a GOOD pop song! 

-x-

God, I’m wet!

_Do you want me to send John?  
SH_

Sherlock Holmes!

_It’s your fault.  
SH_

I know, and I’m so proud!

_Mycroft didn’t lend you his_  
_umbrella?  
SH_

Are you talking about his actual  
umbrella now, or…?

_Obviously his actual umbrella!  
SH_

Then I really hope you’ve moved  
away from innuendoes.

_What?  
SH_

_GOD!_

_YES!_

_Don’t explain!  
SH_

I wasn’t going to. God, that would  
be painful! 

_Why did you have to go there?  
SH_

I didn’t! You did!

_I didn’t think about that until_  
_you said it!  
SH_

Should we just drop this?

_Yes.  
SH_

It’s raining a lot.

_Indeed.  
SH_

That’s good for the… crops?

_So I’ve heard. Hopefully Sunday_  
_will be better.  
SH_

I’m sorry, this isn’t working for me.

_Me neither.  
SH_

Should we play Scrabble instead?

_Yes, please.  
SH_

-x-

Why is it that I’m supposed to  
fix everything when the weather  
is terrible, but I get no credit  
when it’s sunny and lovely?

_Because our infrastructure_  
_doesn’t break down when it’s_  
_all sunny and lovely?  
SH_

Exactly!

_What?  
SH_

It works! And no one ever says  
thank you! All I ever get is “the  
water isn’t draining fast enough”,  
“the basements are flooded”,  
“the wind causes chaos in the traffic  
on the road when trees fall over  
the bloody road”, “the water made  
the river we rerouted 500.000 years ago  
overflow” and it’s YOUR FAULT!

_Thank you for the world working_  
_as poorly as we expect it to, with_  
_just the usual amount of disaster_  
_when the weather is nice.  
SH_

Oh, shut up!

-x-

Today’s weather forecast: mild  
and rather cloudy, with some  
drizzle over central London, while a  
considerable drop in temperature  
has been reported in Hell as it  
freezes over in response to consulting  
detective Mr Sherlock Holmes actually  
uttering the words “thank you” to  
his brother.

_You’re hilarious.  
SH_

I’ve also been asked to inquire  
if you’re high. 

_I apologise, I will never be polite_  
_ever again.  
SH_

Or, you know, be it more often so  
it won’t make us fall off our chairs.

_Go away.  
SH_

-x-

_Make it stop raining!  
SH_

You’re confusing me with one  
of the many weather gods I  
cannot name.

_I’m SO BORED!  
SH_

That’s not really dependent on the  
weather. You’re always bored.

_No one commits crimes in bad_  
_weather.  
SH_

Not quite true, but sure.

_I’ve been locked up in here forever!  
SH_

It’s only been raining for three days.

_Are you sure that it’s not forever?  
SH_

Quite.

And you can go out in the rain.  
You’re not made of sugar.

_I might be.  
SH_

Trust me, you’re not.

_I still don’t want to get wet.  
SH_

Do you want me to send over  
your brother with his umbrella  
so he can take you for a walk?

_I’m not a dog.  
SH_

I know. Dogs can be trained.

_I HATE RAIN!  
SH_

The rain hates you too.

_Just make it stop!  
SH_

-x-

Chapped hands are the worst  
thing about winter. By far!

_That. Or, you know, the cold.  
SH_

Woolly knitted jumpers and  
mugs of steaming tea.

_What does John have to do_  
_with this?  
SH_

That wasn’t at all what I was  
saying, but your mind just  
automatically goes there,  
doesn’t it?

_No, you’re the one with the_  
_unhealthy obsession with_  
_doctors in uniform.  
SH_

I wouldn’t call it “unhealthy”,  
but I admit to the obsession.

Now it’s your turn.

_I can’t admit to an obsession_  
_I don’t have.  
SH_

Fine, keep living in denial.

_Weren’t you going to complain_  
_about something?  
SH_

Yes, but Dr John H Watson, formerly  
of the Fifth Northumberland Fusiliers,  
is always more relevant.

_As I said, unhealthy obsession.  
SH_

Your adjective is wrong.

_I don’t think it is.  
SH_

Let’s agree to disagree. 

_Isn’t that the basis of our_  
_entire relationship?  
SH_

Yes. That, and my wit.

_Right.  
SH_

Anyway, chapped hands! My  
hand cream gets my poor phone  
all sticky and fingerprinty!

_”Fingerprinty” isn’t a word. I’m_  
_telling Mycroft you’re trying to_  
_modernise the language of_  
_Shakespeare.  
SH_

Are you trying to get me fired?

_It’s for your own good.  
SH_

_And you did use a terrible word.  
SH_

_And just don’t use lotion if it_  
_bothers you.  
SH_

Cream. Not lotion. 

_My point still stands. Just don’t_  
_use it if it bothers you.  
SH_

I thought you and your perfect  
musician's hands would understand.

_You mean my string-callused_  
_hands with, currently, three_  
_crushed nails?  
SH_

Exactly those.

What did you do to your nails?

_Molly closed a body freezer_  
_on them.  
SH_

Good girl!

_You’re really not getting any_  
_sympathy now.  
SH_

But I’ve got sticky fingerprints  
on my phone! And it’s all  
this stupid winter’s fault!

_Woolly jumpers and tea.  
SH_

Thank you.

-x-

I made it snow, just for you.

_I thought you said controlling the_  
_weather wasn’t something you_  
_could do.  
SH_

I took a crash course. From now  
on, please refer to me as Snær. 

_That will be difficult, since I don’t_  
_know how to pronounce_  
_what I assume is the vowel.  
SH_

I’ll teach you later, heathen. 

_Lovely, now make it stop.  
SH_

The snow?

_Yes.  
SH_

But you like the snow!

_Not on crime scenes!  
SH_

It’s eloquent! Like icy dust! 

_It’s cold and wet and ruins_  
_evidence!  
SH_

It gives you a reason to wear  
your coat, though. 

_I don’t need a reason to_  
_wear my coat.  
SH_

Oh, that much I know. The snow  
makes you look less crazy, though.

_I wear an ear hat in public.  
SH_

Do you mean your deerstalker, dear?

_”Dear”?  
SH_

The deerstalker doesn’t make you  
look less crazy.

_I mean, I don’t care if I look_  
_stupid.  
SH_

Clearly, Mr Wool-Coat-in-July.

_Make the snow stop, Ms Snr.  
SH_

I haven’t got that far yet. We  
cover that next semester. 

_Figures.  
SH_

-x-

Oh my god, you didn’t!

_I did.  
SH_

I thought you were all talk!

_I’ve told you, making an exploding_  
_umbrella takes time.  
SH_

I also remember you said you’d use  
one to assassinate him…

_Too much work. I have the keys_  
_to his flat.  
SH_

He puts too much trust in you.

_I agree.  
SH_

_Well?  
SH_

Well what?

_What happened? What did_  
_he say? When did it explode?  
SH_

_Is there CCTV footage?  
SH_

_Can I have it?  
SH_

_Does he know it was me yet?  
SH_

You’re giggling like a little kid  
now, aren’t you?

_You’re not?  
SH_

We’re in lockdown, pending the outcome of  
the investigation into a potential terrorist  
threat. 

_It’s a lockdown, not a crime scene.  
SH_

I don’t follow.

_It’s all right to giggle during lockdowns.  
SH_

I’m going to give it another ten minutes  
before I tell him it was you and not  
the IRA. 

_If he hasn’t figured that out in ten_  
_minutes, you should take him to_  
_hospital.  
SH_

Good point.

_He’s not hurt, is he?  
SH_

Aw, the assassin is worried about  
his target.

_It was never my intention to kill him.  
SH_

How much would you pay for a photo  
of him right after it went off?

_I’ll give you John and Mary’s_  
_firstborn child.  
SH_

Charming.

_I’m sure you’ve said you’re_  
_one of those irrational people_  
_who finds children cute.  
SH_

I am one of those people, but I  
don't want you to kidnap your  
child for me.

_I said “John and Mary’s”, not_  
_mine.  
SH_

You’re so sweet when you think  
you won’t become a parent.

_What do you want for the_  
_photo?  
SH_

A glow-in-the-dark kitten!

_Are you planning a science fiction_  
_petting zoo?  
SH_

Maybe.

_I think you can make good_  
_money off that.  
SH_

Now, this is only because I  
love you.

[image sent]

And he said “shit”.

Quite loudly.

_I’ll make you a glow-in-_  
_the-dark elephant.  
SH_

Your immortal soul will do.

And a written confession. This  
will eat all my time for a week  
otherwise.

_The confession will be in his_  
_inbox within three minutes.  
SH_

And your immortal soul?

_How about some pictures of_  
_John in uniform?  
SH_

YES!!

I mean, that’s a reasonable  
trade. I accept.

_I thought so.  
SH_

Now THAT will eat all my time  
for the next week.

_…right. I’m going to pretend_  
_I don’t understand what you_  
_mean.  
SH_

Oh, just send me the pictures!

_You’ll have them in about three_  
_minutes as well.  
SH_

Thank you.

_Now, tell me what CCTV I have to_  
_hack for live footage of the explosion.  
SH_

You won’t tell your brother?

_Of course not.  
SH_

It’s already on its way.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Sisters Are Doin' It For Themselves](https://archiveofourown.org/works/1159584) by [Lothiriel84](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lothiriel84/pseuds/Lothiriel84)
  * [A Goldfish Called Sherlock](https://archiveofourown.org/works/1263154) by [Lothiriel84](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lothiriel84/pseuds/Lothiriel84)




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